Is it emotional abuse?

So I have a bad relationship with my stepmother. I know the signs of emotional abuse and I recognize some of them in her actions but I don't know if it's enough to cross the line from being treated badly to being abused.

Okay, let's see if I can make this somewhat coherent. I don't and haven't seen my stepmother that often. My parents are divorced and I live with my mother, so my childhood was the every other weekend at my dad's sort.

My stepmother is the kind of person who is all about appearances. For as long as I remember, when I visited, often even before a hello the first thing I would get would be some critical note about my appearance. Often, even now when I'm going to visit or out with them, there is always the comment about how I should dress nice as if I put in no effort into my appearance. I can think of several times when she pulled me aside, very visibly to my embarrassment, to tell me I can't speak or act a certain way even when I knew there was nothing wrong with what I was saying or doing.

I think the most frustrating aspect of having her in my life is that I've never been allowed to say no. If I told her I didn't want or couldn't to come over or to a family event, there has always been a guilt trip without fail. Even when I was sick or had something personal going on in my life, I was and have always been made to feel like I'm a bad daughter for not wanting to come. And it's frustrating because I know I have a right to not want to visit when I have nothing in common with either her or my father and they make me feel kind of unwelcome, but then I think that since I don't spend much time with them as is that I have the responsibility to even when I know I don't.

I feel like matter what a problem is, it will always be twisted to make it my fault. I know that there's no even bringing up my problems with her because she will twist them to act like I'm the bad person. This is the thing that really makes me wonder if it was abuse.

And I've never been allowed to be me. I am naturally a quiet person due to a mixture of intense anxiety and just a general feeling of not needing to talk if I have nothing to say, but I was constantly criticized for it. Even when I felt I was talking a lot. Especially when I became a teenager, I was treated more as a doll to mold than a person. And even when I tried to fit into her standards, it was never enough for her. I've always been treated as though I'm not trying hard enough even when I was trying my best. I have a very difficult time touching anything very feminine because it was pushed on me so hard because I was a tomboy. And it was even more confusing because it was always implied I was a bad daughter for not spending time with my father, but the only time he would pay attention to me is when I was doing masculine things and he could pretend I was just another son.

And, though they only just kind of make jokes about it now, when I was as young as eleven or twelve they kept trying to convince me to drink alcohol even when I was clearly very uncomfortable with it. There was always an implication that I couldn't be fun or have fun unless I was drinking (which is the reason I am so uncomfortable with it.) I always felt like I had to be the person, even from a very young age, to put in the effort and get them to notice me and spend time with me and now that I'm no longer willing to put in that effort, I feel like I'm the bad person for giving up since this stuff is less obvious now (either because something has changed or because I spend less time around her).

I don't know, I wonder but at the same time I don't feel like it's strong enough to be counted as abuse. Like over the years, there's been less. My stepmother mostly just ignores me unless she needs some chore or another done. Beyond that, I don't really think I exist much to her anymore? And like in general now, she's okay to deal with beyond feeling ignored and her somewhat condescending glares now and then.

But I can say with no hesitation that they both know absolutely nothing about me. It's only been bothering me so much lately because I feel like I should come out about my sexuality and mental illness to them (I know I don't have to but it's kind of suffocating to keep them secret) but I have no clue how they'd react. They're generally pretty accepting but since they've never really accepted any other part of me as a person and since that doesn't fit into their standard of a perfect happy little family, I can't at all be sure.

But since I have ADHD (and therefore, memory problems), I find it so easy to convince myself that maybe I'm making all this up. Even if I feel awful and uncomfortable being around her. Even if I remember explicit moments of my choices and personhood being disregarded. I feel like I'm making a big deal out of being treated only sort of badly, and like it's hard to tell because my anxiety often blows things out of proportion, but it's been such a presence all my life and she honestly just makes me feel terrible even when she's not being terrible. Am I overreacting?

Hello indonth.

No, I don't think you're overreacting or making a big deal out of it, at all. You sound like a very aware person with good standards and they sound like they don't understand what it means to be accepting and how good that would be. And trying to get you to drink alcohol at eleven, I'm against that kind of conduct. People shouldn't guilt trip others particularly parents towards children and young people - it's not good and never has a positive result as far as I'm concerned. I just want to say thanks for sharing and don't worry - what you're feeling and what you're thinking is valid.

All the best to you.

P.S. I'm not sure how the mental health field view it, but in my opinion, yes, it's emotional abuse.