Have I been abused? need advice

Hi, I am a 33 year old Indian woman, I came across this forum after some research. Please bear with me as it’s going to be a long one but I need to get this off my chest as I’m not sure whether the problem lies with me or my parents (Mother to be precise). So here goes:
We are 2 sisters born and brought up in India. From my very childhood I felt unloved, unwanted. So much so that I decided when I get married I’m not going to have kids, because I did not want them to feel unwanted, unloved and invisible.
I don’t know whose fault it was my parents’ or was I born that way. My father was never really there during our childhood - he had to travel a lot for work. We used to stay with our Mom. I remember my sister getting beaten up by my Mom, don’t remember the reasons exactly, we were really young (2-7/8), my best guess is that mother was trying to discipline her. Now in India this is very normal. “WE MUST HAVE DONE SOMETHING WRONG, OR ELSE WHY WOULD ANY PARENT BEAT THEIR CHILD? CHILDREN ARE ALWAYS WRONG, THEY ARE NEVER TOO OLD TO GET A GOOD BEATING FROM THEIR PARENTS”. I was beaten up occasionally during my childhood, most of the time she would just threaten us with suicide and leaving us forever to get the job done. The regular beatings started during my teens. And by regularly I mean 3 times a week if not more. Both of my parents used to beat me – Dad (when he was available) used to do it less, Mom more frequently, sometimes the beatings resulted in bruises, sometimes not…this continued till my college days. She would hurl insults at me, make me feel guilty and wrong. No matter what I did, it was just WRONG. I was never good enough for her. She would find faults in everything I did, when we used to fight, and my mom was losing she would start threatening us with suicide. I remember when we brought a puppy home, my mom tried to kill herself because we refused to give it away and she and dad didn’t want it (We kept the puppy though, thanks to my sister, I wanted to give it away thinking I would lose mom).
Strange thing is my sister’s beating stopped soon as she became 12…mine started. Pretty soon I became defiant and started beating my parents too, the moment I did that, my mom would start making me feel guilty for it…I would cry hours and hours asking for their forgiveness. And after several hours or days they would eventually forgive me. Now don’t get me wrong - they were good times, rather great times, when I used to feel lucky, like they would do anything and everything for our education and they wasn’t a single birthday when there weren’t gifts (gifts that they approved of) waiting for us. But that changed too as we grew older. I feel she was a caring mother, or else why would she would stay up late when we had our exams? Or take care of us when we were ill? But then again there were days when I tried to kill myself too. My mother never really liked us having a lot of friends and socializing, our friends were always scrutinized and criticized by her (by the way we used to go to an all-girls convent), she would make us believe that the friends we chose were wrong for us and force us to let go of them and try and make friends with girls she approved of. I know some people might think why did you obey, when you can ignore? I don’t know why I tried to obey but if I didn’t I used to feel that I will lose my family. Obeying her and letting go of friends at that time seemed the better option. You see our parents made us believe that there was no one for us, they are the best that could happen to us and they care and love us. And whatever they were doing is for our own good.
I felt trapped, unwanted in my family and wanted to get out soon after my graduation, but my parents didn’t let me, I became defiant and stopped my studies until they were forced to concede to let me move to another state for my Masters…2years of happiness and hard work. Then I finished my Masters and came back to my nightmare - the beatings, the insults, the whole package continued after the brief two year break. I tried to kill myself several times, but didn’t have the courage to go all the way. Finally I took to antidepressants thinking it was me who could not adjust with my family and needed help for my illness.
I was unemployed and my parents didn’t like that, they wanted me to earn and look after them. Things started getting a bit better when I got a job. Pretty soon to their disappointment - I got married and came to US. Amazingly, I didn’t need the medications to be happy anymore, it’s been 6 yrs. and I’m happy without any medications. Although at first I used to get nightmares of the domestic fights we had back in India…slowly that went away too. My Mom still makes me feel guilty for getting married and moving so far away from them. I feel selfish and guilty for not being there for them by choosing the life of happiness over sacrifice. I can’t remember the last time I was happy with them. Whenever I went to visit them, somehow or the other my parents would make me cry and feel sad and guilty.
I lost my father 2 months back to Cancer, my mom has blamed both of us for his death, for not caring for him enough, for being busy with our own lives. We tried our level best to take care of him but we couldn’t save him. I feel terrible. She is acting like she is the only one who lost her husband and we didn’t lose our father, we are not grieving it’s only her. Now in India, no matter what, you need to take care of your parents, so I brought her to US with me. She has started doing the same thing here. There is no beating now but the emotional abuse is too much to take, making me feel guilty every single day, criticizing my husband, asking me to change my ways, which if I don’t makes her angry, giving suicide threats, basically asking me to stop loving my husband and start taking care of her. Trying to make me believe that she is the only one who cares for me and my husband’s care is just a sham. As long as I am quite and receptive of the insults and curses and blames, she is fine, the moment I protest it becomes a huge fight ending in me feeling guilty for her sorrows and life. I don’t know what to do, as much as I want to cut ties with her I can’t due to my guilt and my culture. I feel like killing myself.
The strange thing is in spite of getting beaten up in childhood my sister turned out to be fine…a bit insensitive but has a good confidence and social skills. I lack that, I’m scared of interacting with people thinking they might not like what I say or do, I lack confidence, my self-esteem lies below 0. Is this abuse? Or am I overreacting? My sister says to adapt and adjust, I’m unable to do it. I feel like a failure as a daughter, unable to make her happy. I’m confused because if we have both been abused how come my sister is fine and I am not? And if this is normal why do I feel like a victim of abuse and how do I deal with it?

Hello Shroy

Thank you for posting your story. I was really moved to hear it.

You say that beating children is a cultural norm in India. I want to treat your heritage and culture with respect, but I also feel deeply that beating children is wrong and that shouldn't have happened to you. What can a child do to deserve to live in fear of their own safety? Whatever you did, you deserved to be held and loved and heard and cherished, not hurt.

It sounds like you are taking on so much guilt on behalf of your mother. I wonder if she feels guilty for not caring for him and can't stand the feeling so wants you to take on her guilt for her. It sounds like she wants so much from you, even though she is your mother so really she should be giving more than taking. I am proud of you for the times you have stood up to her and said it isn't your fault. I really hear you about not being able to cut ties - that's such a difficult conflict. But please don't let her take everything from you. You're not a failure because you can't make her happy. No-one should be relying on their children for their happiness - they should be seeking their children's happiness. It doesn't sound like the failure in the relationship is you, from my outside perspective anyway.

I think the question about your sister is interesting. I guess there are different ways to cope with what happens in your life and maybe she also "copes" in her own way while hurting on the inside. Or maybe her being safe from the age of 12 allowed her a bit more protection. I don't really know without knowing her. In any case the important thing is that your reaction is absolutely understandable, given what you went through. Of course it can be harder to trust people when the people who are supposed to protect you harm you. Your self-esteem is built by the way you experience yourself as a child, so of course you might have problems. You're a person and you're reacting in a completely human way. It's really sad that you've learned that you needed to learn to protect yourself from the world.

I hope that sharing your story brought you some relief and I want you to know that I really felt your struggle and your pain and I'm sure others did too. The little girl inside you needed to speak and I'm really glad she did.

Please take care of yourself.

Best wishes,

Lisa