Is it even abuse?

Let me start out by saying I was raised in a good Christian home. My father being a good Christian man. Atleast, in public he was. I don't know if I was truly abused. I doubt he thinks his actions are even questionable as to whether or not they are abuse. But, as for me, I am not sure.

When I was younger, I idolized my father. Now, I am filled with burning hatred. It started out with my brothers, his step sons. If they disagreed, or flipped any of the typical teenage attitude things would get heated in my house. It would start with my mother trying to diffuse the situation, but if unsuccessful my father would start screaming and throwing things. Typically whatever was in his hands. It would always escalate from there, to throwing them against the wall and holding them there while he screamed. Sometimes, he would hit or choke them. But, I never really registered that as abusive when I was a child.

Later on, my brothers moved out. It was just me, his only biological child. I was his princess. The only little girl. He would never think to touch me, right? As I grew that held pretty true, However, he would throw things at me with enough force to shatter them. And, he still threw tantrums if things didn't go his way. Literally, tantrums like a child. Filled with feet stomping and crying and yelling. Only once did he ever strike me. After he suffered a brain injury that left him increasingly short tempered. But he struck me so hard my face was left bruised and sore for a week. That was because he tripped on something I left in the floor.

For me though, it wasn't about the physical, but rather the mental. That is where defining abuse becomes tricky. I suffer from debilitating anxiety. When I have a panic attack, I really don't have much control. However, he seems to think I do. He yells at me about how stupid it is and tells me why I am wrong to feel the way I feel. He also parents through fear. Tells me that if do a certain things it will result in some ridiculously obscure consequence like losing limbs or needing surgery. Knowing my anxiety will do the rest of the work for him. Worsening my anxiety.

You also can't have a conversation with him like adults. He either shuts down or throws a tantrum (and whatever is in his hands) if I try to bring up he is hurting me he literally stops listening. But am I overeacting? No one in real life would believe me, he acts out only at home. Is he abusive? Or just a jerk? It's really a fine line to decide.

Dear SecretlyBrokenHeart:

yes, your father is abusive, of the boys and now, of you. No doubt. What else can it be called? The proof that you were abused already is your debilitating anxiety.

I am sorry this is the case. I was abused to as a child and a teenager... and later. Abuse is common, way more common than love, respect and kindness.

So sorry your father is an abusive father....

atina

Yeah, I have to agree, that's abuse. I'm not even on the fence about it.