Recollections of a Victim

I am not going to go into exact detail of what I have experienced because I want to make things more concise. I am new here and I apologize if it is triggering in anyway. I wanted to share this with people I can relate too because I feel like I need to and I almost never tell anyone about my child abuse because I feel like I will put them in a weird position and sometimes it's hard for me to talk about it because I can get a little emotional sometimes.

I remember as young girl everyday I would live in fear..I used to be so scared of her that words wouldn't even come out of my mouth I mean I couldn't even mutter the word "I" because I knew she would hit me anyway.

She would mistake my fear with respect and always showed favoritism towards her youngest daughter.

She refused to let my father see me and every day and night I would wish that I was somewhere else or where my dad was so he can free me from this evil woman.

The woman who I was suppose call my mom. This woman that was suppose to be caring, nurturing, and loving instead I gave me welts,bruises,degraded me and bullied me.

I started to have a negative attitude.I held a hatred against my own blood...

She could never keep a job...she couldn't even keep a place to stay half of time we were mostly living from hotel to hotel even when she had a house there where no electricity or water.She was pathetic.

Dad finally got me when I was 13. I remember I burst out crying out of nowhere a lot less then I go today. I hated the world and everything. I keep questioning my existence "Why am I here if I'm no good to anyone?"

Now, since a while ago she's trying to contact me thinking that she can turn around and be a mother overnight since my younger sister has passed from an accident (I don't mean to speak ill of her she's in a better place now) My older sister says I shouldn't hold a grudge from her, but I still don't want to talk to her and if I did it won't be anything pretty.

I have had counseling 3 times although it helped somewhat I was ashamed and wasn't honest with my feelings so that's why I am considering going back to counseling or something of the sort to get a diagnosis for depression because I am tired of this endless emotional pain. I still have my crying and deep empty sadness episodes. I feel like I can't control it when I want to and it never stops.

At first when you meet she will have you fooled you'll think at first that she's normal. Sick women like her needs to be sterile.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

(Excuse my crappy grammar. I know I have errors)

Firstly welcome, you are among friends, although this place gets very quiet at times (and I don't think that is a bad thing).

The woman in charge of the nursing home tells my wife what a sweet old lady mum is and how popular she is. My wife just kind of nods. She tried to kill my father twice, brother once and we all bare the scars mental and physical.

if you look over a lot of these posts you will find a common theme. Men usually abuse when drunk, women usually when sober. Not all cases but in general terms.

Someone asked me recently if I knew why my mother behaved like she did. I had never actually wondered about it. She claimed she was abused by her mother. I stayed in that house for over a month and she was a saint by comparison. I think my mother thought it abuse if she could not do what she wanted and play all day. (apparently she had deep rages as a little girl). Only girl in family of 5 youngest by 6 years and I think spoiled.

So I went through the research. All I came up with was a paper written in around 1970 which described women who batter children (called battery then not child abuse) in several categories.

One category simply said "bored, frustrated with their own crappy life and choices they relieve their frustration by sadistically beating and torturing their children." Yep that one nailed it.

Some advice. Put yourself first. If you think there is something to be gained maybe extend the hand of communication to your mother. Be careful. Despite no one ever visiting mine, she tries to play good mum when I do. However if I disagree she will slip gears, her voice will change and she is back to who she really is. She cannot stop that even when she knows the result is more isolation. So be careful if you try, as she may not be able to carry it off and may slip back to your past relationship.

If I could do it all over again I would seek some help. Never had time to try and heal and keeping it buried only worked so well.

and last thing is, I saw your input on another thread, thanks it all helps here.

If you want to put anything out there please do, if you have those days when you need to vent, we are here.

Welcome again.

Thank you for the welcoming.

I thought a lot about it and I decided that I want to go back on last time. To get a diagnosis for anything I may have and this time be honest with my feelings, back then I wasn't and I still was a scared girl. When I looked back at myself as a teenager I looked liked I needed to see a shrink!

Last time I looked up my mother to see where she was living and how she was doing I saw a mugshot of her back in 2013 I think for committing a something and the last I heard of her is that she's trying to get back with my little sister's dad saying that's she wants to get married and have another baby...

The last time I saw her in person I was 14 or 15 and she got into a quarrel with my sister's dad that turned physical. She is still the same and probably has gotten worse.

I don't know much about my mother's childhood, but I think she may have been abused as a child herself by my great grandmother and maybe by my grandmother. I remember how she couldn't keep a job or anybody in her life and I know that she always end up in some kind of altercation with somebody even with people trying to help her!

I am 100% sure that this woman is ill and needs more than help she can get. I remember how paranoid she was and how she always thought that someone was breaking into her house and putting milk or urine in her stuff and car.

I don't know what it was about me, but I guess she must have saw me as a competition or something like that because I remember how she always used to accuse me of being "fast" (i.e loose woman) She didn't show much fondness or appreciation to her daughters except her favorite one and always would say how she want a son. Those word made me felt like $#%^ and like I shouldn't be here if I am not getting appreciated.

I know if I see her again would I have it with her.

Do what is right for you.

Be aware of your issues.

Never blame yourself.

Be careful.

and have a good Christmas