My story. Needed to share. *may trigger*

This was originally in the PTSD forum, but someone recommended it go here. I'll cut to the chase. My father was abusive. Pushed me to attempting suicide when I was 8 years old.
Slammed my face into a mirror until I screamed liar at my own reflection.
Hung me out a window and threatened to kill me.
Threw me into the bathtub and turned on the hot water as high as it could go.
Put my hand on a cutting board and slammed a cleaver closer and closer to my fingers until I screamed I was sorry.
Terrified me to the point where I couldn't ask him to go to the bathroom while we were camping. I soiled myself in my bunk. He then cleared everyone out in the morning and insisted on wiping for me even though I was more than old enough to do it myself.
Refused to bathe me as a baby until I got an infection. It was deliberate, as he wanted to call cps and blame it on my mother.
Called police on my mother for smoking pot for weeks until they were raided. My dogs were nearly shot.
Threw me out when I was 12. Told me I was dead to him, blood aint that thick, and he's turning away from me and never looking back. Best thing that ever happened to me.
And I know there was more. I can feel it. But I black out on most of it. I was drugged up on psychiatrists med cocktails through most of my childhood so it only makes all of it feel more like a hazy bad dream. When I bring up the things I do remember, I can talk about them with little to no emotion because when I try to visualize it, its always happening to someone else.
I'm always depressed and anxious. I have attempted suicide roughly ten times. Most recently because I rekindled a relationship with a girl I had loved for years only come to find out that I disassociate so much that I cant perform at sex. I just grab their arms before they can do anything with them. My mind is screaming for me to let go but my instinct screams no louder. I pushed her away until I felt she didn't love me anymore and would not miss me if I died, and then bought and used what I though was a lethal dose of heroin. I live in isolation and hate to leave the house. I have zero friends because of this. I spend most days daydreaming intensely and talking to myself. My family just sums it up as depression but I feel it could be something more. I also feel like I just abandoned my half siblings to rot with him and I got an easy way out just because my parents were divorced.
Thoughts? What do you people do to cope with something like this?

Wow, I have never heard someone that went through such violence at a young age like I did, too.

As much as I like to isolate myself, I have built up a solid group of friends that I can talk to about some stuff. You can read my blog posts for more into my story, but it really helps when you have a friend who went through something similar like you did.

I have two dogs that I adopted in high school so they keep me from killing myself. I know that sounds awful, like I must have more to live for, but in the heat of the moment, when I have nothing else, I look at their sweet puppy eyes and I know that they need me so it helps me pull it together for them, and for my friends.

I have seen a counselor seen 2011 and she has changed my life. I couldn't have made the progress without her.

I self-medicate with weed, alcohol, benzos... I am afraid there is no simple solution to overcoming the horrors that we have faced.

However, you are not alone. Maybe one day you could meet someone that could listen to your stories and share with you their own. There is something very cathartic about that.

Well Wishes

Hi!
First of let me tell you how bad your father has treated you, and that he seems to be a very sick and angry man. It is not your fault!
It is not your fault how bad your father and mother treated or neglected you. That is a big part you need to internalize to get better.
You might wanna check out the book "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward PhD. This is a great book that helped me a lot in my personal therapy, as I wasn't even able i.e. too afraid and ashamed to talk to a psychiatrist about my childhood, and the book lets you proceed at your own pace, with some great techniques, like writing a letter.

All the Best, and don't leave your head hanging. Everybody would develop issues like yours under these circumstances as the childhood is an important time for development. What makes us different from our parents, is that we want to resolve our issues and break the circle of abuse.
Never give up!

Dear TheWand3rer:

The fact that you are alive to tell this story, just what you do remember, is a testimony to your strength. It is impossible for a human being to experience such a childhood and not come out scarred, it is simply impossible. Those experiences were part of your FORMING brain at the time (those years called FORMATIVE years because our brain is in the process of forming). You were not born depressed or anxious. There is nothing inherently wrong or faulty with you. Your anxiety and depression are the natural consequences of the horrendous abuse you suffered as a child.

There can be no healing from such unless you attend good, serious psychotherapy. The experiences, the horrific experiences as a child are part of your brain structure and function. But because it is possible to affect and effect changes in the brain in adulthood (neuroplasticity) healing is possible. Much healing is possible. With your history (and mine) such healing is possible with GOOD professional help, lots of work, persisting in it with lots and lots of patience and courage.

You will have to heal from the horror and learn new tools to deal with fear, tools other than the dissociation you employed as a child, and still. You will need to re-associate with your emotions, but that will require help.

Please seek the help you do need, and if you already attended therapy and it was not good enough, seek good enough therapy.

I understand your guilt about your siblings, but reality does not justify it. You are still unwell. YOU still need help. You are not in the position to help them. Your job and responsibility is to help yourself, that little scared boy inside you. He needs all your attention, empathy, care.

Do not abuse him, neglect him. He will respond to you positively once he trusts you to attend to him lovingly, a kind of attention he has not known before.

Post more, if you would like.
atina