Repressed memories making an appearance

Hello! I am new to this forum. ive actually never been on any forum before, so I don't really know where to start. But my depression, and self worth have been spiraling down progressively for a few months now. My anger is damn near uncontrollable. I feel like I have completely lost myself. And I know a big part of it is because I don't feel comfortable talking about whats going on in my head. I cant find the words to completely put it to others when explaining why im upset. Possibly for fear of not being taken seriously, or believed at all for that matter.

I will try to make this short so I don't bore anyone. Abuse of one form or another have always been a part of my life. Whether or not I was a witness to it, a victim of it, or in a relationship with it. Its just what I have become used to. And up until recently, when I decided to make a big move in my life, due to not being happy for living my life the way I was and always getting in to the same repetitive habits, and the same repetitive cycle of unhappiness and doing nothing to change it...I had an epiphany and started to realize "okay this isn't a normal life. who can live like this"
growing up after my parents got divorced, my mom started dating this guy and they moved pretty fast. I was about 8 years old, and my sister was 3. He was the cool guy, that always had something fun and new to do. He made us laugh. But every couple of months or so, he'd be out of the picture for a short period and quickly replaced with a fill in, until he came crawling back and my mom would give in. it took about two years for me to figure out why, until one night when I was 10 y/o I got woken up to the sound of a huge bang. Then I heard screaming, and slapping, and crying. my sister darted in my room and I made her hide under my bed and called the cops. My mother refused to press charges, and 2 weeks later and a bouqet of flowers she let him right back. From that point on, the ice had been broken and they did nothing to hide it from my sister and I anymore. This stuff was happening every few weeks, to few months. They eventually got married!! What a fairy tale. Well it was short lived. His drinking got worse as time went on. His behavior got stranger as time went on. I would wake up to him banging on my door accusing me of leaving the oven on or throwing something in my room and him calling me lazy because I didn't clean up after myself. I would hear him creep around in my sisters room at night with faint talking, but I was way too scared to get out of bed and see what was going on. my mom started to see that it wasn't long before he would start hurting us. I sensed it too with growing fear by the day. After 7 months of marriage my mom filed for divorce. Over fathers day weekend, we of course stayed with my dad. But my mom showed up that morning on fathers day and I immediately knew something was wrong. he had killed himself. I was so devastated. My sister took it even worse. She was so young and easily influenced. Don't get me wrong, not all times were bad. For awhile all the bad times seemed non existent because we were so grief stricken.

Fast forward ten years and my sister has been admitted in to the mental ward 9 times. 2 stints in rehab. Shes not even 18. She self harms and abuses meth. No one understood why. I understood more than anyone, because I don't necessarily have a halo either. I used to compulsively drink and use cocaine. My son coming to my life SAVED me. I didn't even realize I used it to self medicate until recently. My sister talked about how HE used to touch her. Being an addict, my family had a hard believing her because shes made up some other really hurtful lies for attention before. But I just knew in my heart she wasn't lying. I had this sickening pit when she told me. Almost a familiar feeling. Remembering the nights id hear him creeping around. She disclosed this years ago. But recently I was in a grocery store, and I walked by a man that looked IDENTICAL to him. It was right around the time of his death date. Strange things always happen around that time, which looking back makes sense why I would always get belligerently messed up around this time of year. The man smiled at and locked eyes with me and I immediately got a chill I just couldn't shake. Ever since then, ive had one nightmare after another of horrible things he would do, and wake up drenched in sweat. my anger has been on the rise. My boyfriend would make me cringe every time he touched me because I just wanted to crawl out of my skin. I think about him constantly. But why? Hes been dead for 10 years now. Is it because Im no longer turning to substances to numb it out and block everything?

The other night I was on the couch and scrolling through facebook when a picture of him popped up on my cousins page. It was a picture of him in our old house. hes got a half smile on his face and I immediately lose it. I practically blacked out, and the next thing I know im hysterically crying and ripping things off my walls and shattering everything I can find. my poor boyfriend was so confused. He had to restrain me. Am I crazy? am I making things up in my own head? theres no way these thoughts are causing me so much emotion if theyre made up. I could close my eyes and like a puzzle, start to put the recurring dreams together with real memories. They all of the sudden weren't faint, but seem as if they just happened. I can close my eyes and remember everything. Why the ###$ do these thoughts need to come up now. I Moved to a whole new place with my family. My bf and I are planning our wedding. We just got an amazing new place. I have an awesome job I never saw myself in, and my once broken relationship is coming together beautifully. My son is growing and starting to talk. Ive even taken a new path thorugh all these changes and have allowed god as a huge part of my life. Hes been blessing more than I could have ever imagined, all from letting go and having faith. But now this creeps up in my thoughts and almost feels like its taking it all away. Make it stop!!! why? why when everything is coming together for the first time in my life? I feel like its been shattered and im trying to glue the pieces back. I have this increading anger for my parents. Why did they both neglect us? why did my mom let him show us all the ways to not love someone, and implant in our heads that it was normal. Why did my dad always put us last to his wife and her kids? why was everything we did and said idiotic and childish to him? why the ###$ has my life just seemed to be a game and joke to everyone around me who was supposed to be there to protect me? I thought I had moved on and worked thourgh all this anger. But I can slowly feel my demons taking over and polluting my head. I don't know where to start with help and where to stop with my...my emotions and thoghts

Hmmm.. I think you have come to the right place. I have a few thoughts on this, but may leave most of it for now. You might not get replies straight away as people here, tend to drift in and out.

I will say that I have heard it tends to come at you around 20 years after the event. Not quite sure why. We finish school, move on study, get jobs, and keep it all bundled up in a box. Then something happens and it starts to come out. I think it is very hard to have children and not get affected by your past, or at least that is what it was for me.

Things can get better, but there is no magic pill and if you don't ask the why questions you would not be human.

Have you had any sort of attempt at therapy. It really helps some, but not others.

And I get the anger, rage bit. Very self destructive emotions, but without them my life would not feel complete.

Hope you hang around, learning from others, getting support here when needed can be very helpful.

Wow thanks im surprised to see some feedback already. I have been in therapy on and off my whole life. But it was always short lived. My mom was picky when I was a kid and would always find some reason to not like my therapist and would take me put of it and then find another so I always had to start over. Kinda sucked actually. But I was seeing a therapist a few months back and was seeing her for about 6 months. She was awesome! But I moved to a new state back in april and was seeing a lady for about a month and she was more into doing it from a religion aspect and it wound up that I would go and wed read a few verses and she'd send me home after about 20 minutes. It definitely gave me more perspective on a religious side of things and did actually help me as far as getting to know him and introducing jesus to me. It really was an amazing thing. I know he is still looking down and is the reason im still truckin along. But I knew I needed more. I know I need someone that can actually just listen. I moved to texas, and im living in a city of 8million people.. moving from a small state I find myself still getting used to everything and im having a difficult time finding one. So that's why I am on here. It feels good to get it out in writing. And just get it out in general. My boyfriend knows about it but theres only ao much the guy can do on a situation im going through. Not to mention he had a horrible upbringing and had some very awful things happen to him. So I don't want to upset him and say anything that will trigger his past or bring something up that will put him in a bad place in his own mind.