Serious Trust Issues

One of the things I try to work on in therapy is that I don't trust anybody. I don't even trust my therapist half the time (although we talk about it, and that helps). Whenever I get close to anyone, it is usually only a matter of weeks to a few months at most before I start to get really bad paranoia and cease communicating or spending time with the person. In all my life I've never had a friend (internet friends excluded) last more than about a year, because the paranoia always happens and inevitably reaches a critical mass point.

I guess it comes from how both of my parents always had (and re: my mother still has) this cycle where they act really nice and like everything is normal, but then out of left field 'punish' me (for god knows what). The only difference was that my father was the explosively violent type, and my mother has always been the extremely passive-aggressive trap-setting type. Frankly the latter is way worse in my experience, when it comes to mental health. I did feel a small sense of closure when my therapist explained that my mother very likely has Borderline Personality Disorder, and we looked at that together (therapist and me) and it really did make a ton of sense. It's not an excuse, but it's been helpful in trying to work on these trust issues I have to sort of distinguish that not everyone will be like my mother because not everyone has a pretty straightforward and severe personality disorder.

This isn't to say that I'm trying to condemn all people with personality disorders here, but it's just that being able to make some kind of sense of a lot of things is a pretty significant part of my progress so far.

Unfortunately and ironically, though, last week my mother took me to get a haircut in preparation for me going to job interviews. I'm trying to get back on my feet, I am broke and my hair was an uneven mullet from having grown out a very short and abstract haircut. So I really needed to get it fixed up before going to interviews but couldn't afford it. So she took me to her personal hairdresser in the woman's house so I could get my hair cut into a feminine, cute bob cut. I was so happy to have finally grown my hair out long enough to have a more feminine hairstyle. And this hairdresser-friend of my mother's chopped off all of my hair. I have almost no hair left, my bangs are to the top of my forehead and the back of my head was shaved. It is a very uneven boy's haircut.

I am about 99% positive that that was the plan from the very beginning, and things she has said since then have more or less confirmed it, that it was another passive-aggressive trap, disguised as something nice and normal, with the full intention of having my hair botched and me feeling terrible from the beginning. Yet of course there is no way to prove intent, so there is nothing for me to say or do. I just have to wait for it to grow out all over again.

It just came at the most awful time. Trust issues have been a big topic in my therapy, and I feel like I messed up by trusting, and now have to pay for it with my hair all chopped off.

However, also trying to learn from this, too. I guess abusers do not ever change, and there is never really a reason to trust someone after they've already shown you who they are tons of times. I guess in a weird way I have to accept not ever trusting her again before I can learn to trust other people, I think. It just really sucks big time to get tricked as an adult by the same abuser from your childhood and feel like you're a little kid again. Not that this is the first time this has happened by any means at all.

I was just thinking about it and remembering some really heated posts I've left on this forum and the sexual abuse forum about people's abusers. I feel very triggered by the idea of people forgiving or communicating with their abusers to make things better or try to have a relationship again or whatever, but I never really identified that I was feeling triggered, let along why. But now I realize it and I get it. Some part of me basically just starts screaming that it's a trap, like I'm watching someone walk into a burning building and start freaking out on their behalf. But it's because for me personally neither of my abusers have ever actually changed.

Anyway at the end of the whole thought process, I think I've arrived at the conclusion that this part of me basically starts screaming that every time I ever get close to anyone. I'm not really sure how people deal with this. I can intellectually acknowledge that not everyone, not even most people are abusers of any type. But every time I even become friendly with a coworker or something, it's only a matter of time before they look at me with a certain expression or they have an 'off' day or something, and I become absolutely terrified that they have it in for me, secretly hate me, might be conspiring against me and only tricking me into believing they care for me, that every personal thing I've ever shared with them will soon be used against me, etc. It is absolutely crippling socially and I am really tired of having no in-person friendships because of it.

Wow that was pretty big. I am about to head out it is 7.00am here but will come back later with a reply. I don't know if I have an answer but I will try.

I was hoping for something better to add, but I must admit I have trust issues myself and so does my significant other. As an accountant I cannot say it was a bad thing. I can spot conmen faster than most professionals.

On a personal level I don not have many friends, but many of the ones I have date back to high school, Uni, first years at work.

I don't have anything in my arsenal that can really help you except you will find long lasting friendships, throughout your life. Maybe you will be more selective, but they will be there.

Now re your mum and your haircut, yeah your mum should never be trusted. We never left my children alone with mine. If dad could also not be there it did not happen. They get older but do they mellow and become caring no.

I got mum into a retirement village, no mean feat in our area. After about a year I got phone calls .. mum had sprayed her neighbour in the eyes with a can of Glen-20. The woman was a nosy neighbour (it was retirement village, probably describes half the people there), but mum could not help herself. Great excuse though..

I am very interested on what strategies for your trust issues your therapist has come up with

Thanks for sharing with me, Terry E. I don't think it's often a matter of obvious answers for most of us, but venting and relating is pretty therapeutic sometimes, heh.

My therapist and I have a sort of.. I'm not even sure what to call it, type of way we work together. I made her aware upfront that I am often extremely guarded, paranoid and really self-controlling, as well as that I can get manipulative when I feel threatened, in efforts to be evasive or avoidant. I'm glad in retrospect that I told her upfront, because by now I'd probably never admit it to her. But as far as I can tell she keeps it in mind, because she rarely ever tells me any specifics about methods or what she is trying to help me do (if anything). She's a very subtle guide. But it's working surprisingly beautifully. All that said, though, I get the impression that Goal #1 is learn to trust myself, like my perceptions and instinct, before tackling Goal #? of learning to figure out who I can/cannot trust as I wade through life.

The hair thing was just a massive upheaval of old baggage.

Hi CopperMoon,

Just want to let you know that you are not alone in this struggle.

I always feel that people who help me are after something. In fact, I am currently deliberately distancing myself from my chemistry teacher, who helps me so much that triggers me to write him a nomination letter for a provincial best teacher award...I seem to be able to do things for people, but I just kinda refuse to connect with them in a personal way....

Whenever someone says they care and want to help me, I have the disgusting feeling that they are using me as a tool to present themselves as empathetic to others or to advance their careers in the case of teachers and counselors. I know the thoughts just can not be rational, but I can not get rid of them as well.

I do not know what to do as well, but good luck to you and me I guess