My girlfriend was abused...

Hi. I want to stay anonymous so I will be intentionally vague about names and places.

At the weekend, my girlfriend of nearly two years told me about how she was abused by her stepfather at the age of 12. She is now in her 20s. We have just spend Christmas at her Mum and Stepfather's house. I have met him various times. I thought he was a nice guy.

My girlfriend and him seem to get on pretty well. After she told me about this, I couldn't believe she is still close to him - although she says they don't always see eye to eye. Personally, I never want to see him again.

She says he touched her vagina on multiple occasions when she was 12. Her parents had split up when she was 10, and since then she described her relationship with her stepdad as very close. He moved in with them when she was 12. Around the same time he was abusing her.

She says she told her mum about this just a few years ago. Her stepdad denies it. Her mum and stepdad are still together.

I have done a little research and I've been concerned about the psychological effects of child sexual abuse:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Child_sexual_abuse#Psychological_effects
I understand that when she was in her late teens, she was severely depressed, cut herself, was diagnosed with an eating disorder and had what sounds much like OCD.

I have so many questions. How is it that she can even look at her stepfather, let alone still be on good terms with him? How should I deal with this? Do you think it is likely that this abuse was a major contributing factor to her mental state in her late teens? Is it normal to forgive someone for doing something like this? Does this make him a paedophile?

Thank you in advance for your responses. I am, in general, quite ignorant to the affects of child abuse and therefore have a lot of questions!

Best regards.

I have no personal experience with sexual abuse, but yes it is quite normal for an abused person to construct a normal life which includes the abuser.

I know this sounds nuts but step back and think about it. What does society do with the exception, .. it ignores it or eats it. Heard the saying "shoot the messenger". I hope I don't come across as an A#$hole, but I can assure you people don't want their emotions jangled except when watching a horror movie or the news. I used to tell my wife and kids when there were problems "no one cares" , I now realise that was not what I should have said, but it was something I learned. If you wanted to be accepted and find a place in society, don't make noise.

So what do you do. Well I hope you continue to support your girlfriend, I really do.

Just understand it is something she carries with her and that it could be an issue at times.

and yes some of that behaviour you mentioned comes with Child Abuse survivor PTSD ..

Just stick by her, and don't let what you feel uncomfortable about ruin your relationship. She must care very deeply for you to let you see her wounds.

take care

Hiya..

I can understand you never wanting to see him again - your girlfriend however has not only been abused by this man but has also been partly brought up by him.. so naturally, there's a lot of confused thoughts and feelings involved.

I think that the behaviour she displayed in her late teens could absolutely have contributed to her mental health in her late teens.. all the behaviours you describe are common in people who have been abused.

Is it normal to forgive someone for doing something like this?

^^ define ''normal''

Normal is whatever you're brought up to understand as normal.. if you're brought up in an abusive environment, it's likely that you'll be drawn to people that feel familiar and continue your version of ''normal'' for you..

Is it common to forgive someone for doing something like this? = yes, it can be but it depends on so many other factors that you can't really have an absolute answer..

If your girlfriend has chosen to forgive her step-dad for what he did though and has chosen to confide in you.. it's really important for you to try and support her and her choices.

Simply put, be there for her.. respect her choices and don't worry too much about her mental health unless she appears to be struggling too much at some point.
when you've visited her parents with her - keep an eye on her afterwards.. she'll likely need a bit of extra support for a while.

xx

Thanks both of you for your replies. Greatly appreciated. I am still just coming to terms with this.

In cases like this, is it likely the abuser is just abusing one child? Or could this make him a paedophile? Could he have the capacity to abuse other children? I hope that the fact he is her stepdad, he wouldn't be able to do this to anyone else.

Thanks.

EDIT: As an afterthought, my girlfriend has also told me that her mother has told her SHE was abused at around the same age by a family friend. Could this have any bearing on the situation or is it just an unfortunate coincidence? My girlfriend has only found this out in the last couple of years.

Also, I mentioned in my original post that her mum and stepdad are still together despite the fact her mum has heard my girlfriend's story. Do you think that implies she does not believe that it happened?

Okay this is hard. Regarding the issue of her step dad being potentially a multiple abuser. Well if I was you I would just ensure that if I see something that I know does not look and or sound right, I would think a little more about any explanation given, and maybe start to take mental notes. That being said, remember no one else has thrown a flag, so it may be a very bad decision on his part, but maybe a one off.

So be a lert, not alarmed - remember the world needs more lerts.

Now regarding her mum. Sometimes when children are abused they have parts of PTSD. (actually there is a whole branch of PTSD for child abuse survivors - but lets keep it simple) One of these issues is risk taking. Not the getting drunk with friends having a dare, but doing things many saner people know are not wise. In such situations they often marry the wrong type of person, sometimes again and again.

In this case do I think so. Not really. Maybe it makes such people more vulnerable, but he does not sound physically abusive and you don't know the nitty gritty of his background either.

Just hang in there, and a personal request. If she is not the one for you and you go your separate ways, please make sure that her confiding in you is not out there as a possible cause. That trust thing is real hard, and needs to be nurtured not squashed.

Good luck.