child abuse connected with drug addiction

i wrote this once but lost it, long story short.
i was abused by my father between the ages of about 6 and 13-14 emotionally, physically and on at least 2 occasions physically up until the point where i attacked him in front of my mother and sister. I didnt see it as abuse at the time but i have recently been doing some soul searching as to why certain events in my life happened and thats what it was...abuse.
im sure this is also relevant... my father is also a bad alcoholic abnd has been for as long as i can remember.
i moved out of the house when in was 14 and became involved in drug trafficking and organized crime and also had a 13-14 year cocaine addiction ($1500 dollars a week).
About 4-5 years ago i moved away from the area where my parents live, and basically ceased contact with them.
i continued with a normal job and am one of the favorites at my workplace, i have an amazing girlfriend, and stopped taking drugs. although i relapsed about twice when offered for free.. i never activly searched for drugs.. nor thought about them... ever.
I have recently felt some pressure both from my family and my girlfriend to resume contact with my family.. i did some soul searching to find out why i stopped talking to them and realized that the abuse that i remember and didnt even consider relevant, is directly connected tyot he problems i later exprienced. i also realized that it hurts a lot to think about it.
I decided that if i was going to resume contact with my family, then i had to forgive my father (i also want his forgivness for the person i subsequently became).. but in order to that i have to speak to him about these memories. I wrote a five page letter to my mother who was unaware of what used to happen ajnd she asked me to wait until after christmas before speaking to him. In the process of writing this letter, and ever since... my craving for drugs returned.. it returned strongly. Í actively searched for... found, and paid for drugs for the first time in over 4 years last Friday. I feel horrible and am totally ashamed of myself. My landlord also noticed my strange behaviour and, in place of calling the police, felt it necessary to call my workplace and my girlfriend... and i am possibly about to lose both. I dont really know if anyone can answer this, but is it possible to maintain a meaningful relationship with my family, and avoid the cravings and negative emotions and behaviour that i associate with them? Or do i just forget they exist as life seems A LOT easier this way and drugs dont even enter my head. Thanks for your time, ive been putting this offn for a while, but given the events of this week its more than necessary.

Will come back again, but normal people have normal feeling towards family. At my mother in laws funeral people were crying everywhere. I remember thinking "what are they crying for it is only their mother " - now a childhood pet I could understand, but mother no.

My mother is 90 in a nursing home 5 klms up the road. My son looks after her needs, he is a great kid. The family is gearing up for me to visit Christmas day, with support. The home knows the story and understands. At least I visit twice a year her other son rang two years ago they were in shock they did not know he existed (not seen her in 17 years) . Also she was very upset and emotional. I told them she is scared he is going to kill her. They asked for him to please resume contact through a letter first, it never came and neither did he.

Normal people who love their parents don't get it. They never will. Maybe you need to work out what you need, in life to survive, and live your life accordingly.

Sorry I am not more positive, I hope your work and girlfriend can come around. Take care.