Is this emotional abuse? Someone help.

My dad is horrible. He makes me feel worthless, like I’m not good at anything. The amount of times he has shouted at me for no reason is unbelievable. The way he looks at me, his own daughter, is disgusting; looking me up and down like I’m a piece of $#%^. His granddaughter was brought into this world 6 months ago and he hasn’t even attempted to try and see her. When I used to live with him, he would watch over me when I was washing up pots, just to make sure I was doing it right. Breathing down my neck every second if I did something wrong. If a plate was dirty that I’d washed up, that would send him off on one. Once something as petty as that angered him, he would fly into a rage and call me horrible names. He would say “Sometimes Charlotte, I think there’s something wrong with you.” Then, he wouldn’t stop for hours on end, giving me grief. Even if I didn’t retaliate. He would provoke me and say horrible things about my Mum, which is a sensitive topic for me since she had a stroke. How can something so little and petty cause such a huge argument over nothing, something that had nothing to do with my Mum whatsoever, yet he still brought her into the arguments. One time, he made fun of her eye, as it doesn’t point straight anymore. I was forced to retaliate because it angered me so much, that I punched a hole in his wall. He claims that I have anger issues but he is the reason why I have so much anger inside. He is the one who needs anger management. Last week, I phoned him up and tried to talk to him for some medical advice but he couldn’t refrain from getting angry at me, so I hung up. This caused another huge argument and I don’t even understand why. What causes him to snap at me, or look at me the way he does? I don’t deserve that since I have been the only one to care and feel sorry for him. He has told me or insinuated so many times that I am stupid, that I have been made to believe that I can’t do anything right. During his rage, he would say things like “I’m going to disconnect your internet” and he would actually do this so I couldn’t tell anyone or get help. I would try to leave my house and he would lock me in so I couldn’t get out, or he would stand against the door and block it. I tried to move past him, but he’d push me away from the door. He would say “You’re like your mother” This doesn’t bother me because I’d rather be like her than him. I couldn’t invite my friends round, or my ex-boyfriend because he was create this horrible atmosphere. I was frightened of doing something that would make him fly off the handle because I was scared of him when he got into that mood. Scared of my own Dad. He would mutter nasty things under his breath, in front of my ex-boyfriend and me, and he would say them loud enough for us to hear and make us feel uncomfortable. When my sister used to live with us, she went through a bad time when she split up with her ex. She would cry everyday and my Dad got sick of this, so sick that he ripped all of her posters and drawings off the wall, which is when I decided to stick up for my sister because it was totally uncalled for and just evil. I told him, “There was no need for that.” This made him start on me, but I wasn’t having him treat my sister like that. He spat in her face. What kind of father spits in his daughters face? We have both been subjected to name calling, such as “Slags” and “Bimbos” and lectured for doing what any normal girl would do, which is wearing make-up. If we wore too much make-up, he would call us a slag or a tart. That is unacceptable beyond any level. There is no excuse for that behaviour. My sister didn’t accept this, and she cut him out of her life completely. I couldn’t do that because no matter how much he has done to us in the past, I still love him. He has a way of making me feel guilty and sorry for him, that I always come running back. Until recently. He was diagnosed with emphysema, and nowadays he is never happy and impossible to talk to. I know that he is depressed but it’s as though he is blaming his illness onto me, as if it is my fault. If he was having a bad day, that would be my fault too. He would purposely look for something to get at me for. All I have ever wanted was to be a family and sit down at the dinner table as a normal family but my Dad makes things so hard. He is stubborn and holds grudges on his own children. If we do something wrong, he won’t let us forget it. Do I have to put up with him? Is any of this deserved?

No, none of this is deserved. He is acting abusively.

I'm not quite sure what you're asking when you say "Do I have to put up with him?" No, of course not. If you're old enough and in a situation to live independently. Then you have control of when / if you are in contact.

You don't have many options if you choose to stay in touch, though. Talking to him. Trying to get him to see things your way. Just isn't working. Staying in contact even when he makes you feel bad is your choice. Trying to make peace by caring or feeling sorry for him is your choice too. And it does make you the bigger person for trying. But he doesn't then "owe" you anything in return. It's not fair to be angry at him for not reciprocating. All you can do is set what boundaries you are comfortable with. And to look after yourself first.

I agree with Ada..

This is very much emotional abuse and definitely not deserved..

A couple of things stand out for me in your post.. one of them is when you spoke about how your father told you that you were just like your mother..

What happened between him and your mother..? It sounds to me like he's carrying an awful lot of feelings and anger there about her that he hasn't dealt with..
He's unfortunately taking them out on you and your sister

He absolutely needs some therapy here and It might be a nice idea for you to book up some family sessions so that you can all sit down and discuss your issues in a safe, controlled environment.

Whether or not he'd consider therapy is a different matter but making fun of your Mums eye and bringing her into discussions/arguments is really not okay.

If you can't can't get him to agree to therapy then would you think about going on your own for a while.? You'd be able to work through things and talk through with the therapist about whether you're able to have a continuing relationship with your father.. all the issues are affecting you a lot atm and punching a hole in the wall, while I can understand that level of anger, isn't healthy for you or anyone around (including the wall).
It would be useful for you to find a different way of dealing with your feelings.


and most definitely no, none of this is deserved.. unfortunately some parents are simply not the kind, loving and supportive people that we see in other families and we have to create our own families in loving environments.
Sometimes this does mean pulling away from difficult and unhealthy family members.
Is the baby yours btw..? if so then congratulations
xx

I am sure there are lots of other "checklists" but here is one that identifies types of Emotional Abuse:
http://www.americanhumane.org/children/ ... abuse.html
Emotional Abuse
What Is Emotional Abuse?
Emotional abuse of a child is commonly defined as a pattern of behavior by parents or caregivers that can seriously interfere with a child’s cognitive, emotional, psychological or social development. Emotional abuse of a child — also referred to as psychological maltreatment — can include:
• Ignoring. Either physically or psychologically, the parent or caregiver is not present to respond to the child. He or she may not look at the child and may not call the child by name.
• Rejecting. This is an active refusal to respond to a child’s needs (e.g., refusing to touch a child, denying the needs of a child, ridiculing a child).
• Isolating. The parent or caregiver consistently prevents the child from having normal social interactions with peers, family members and adults. This also may include confining the child or limiting the child’s freedom of movement.
• Exploiting or corrupting. In this kind of abuse, a child is taught, encouraged or forced to develop inappropriate or illegal behaviors. It may involve self-destructive or antisocial acts of the parent or caregiver, such as teaching a child how to steal or forcing a child into prostitution.
• Verbally assaulting. This involves constantly belittling, shaming, ridiculing or verbally threatening the child.
• Terrorizing. Here, the parent or caregiver threatens or bullies the child and creates a climate of fear for the child. Terrorizing can include placing the child or the child’s loved one (such as a sibling, pet or toy) in a dangerous or chaotic situation, or placing rigid or unrealistic expectations on the child with threats of harm if they are not met.
• Neglecting the child. This abuse may include educational neglect, where a parent or caregiver fails or refuses to provide the child with necessary educational services; mental health neglect, where the parent or caregiver denies or ignores a child’s need for treatment for psychological problems; or medical neglect, where a parent or caregiver denies or ignores a child’s need for treatment for medical problems.

While the definition of emotional abuse is often complex and imprecise, professionals agree that, for most parents, occasional negative attitudes or actions are not considered emotional abuse. Even the best of parents have occasions when they have momentarily “lost control” and said hurtful things to their children, failed to give them the attention they wanted or unintentionally scared them.
What is truly harmful, according to James Garbarino, a national expert on emotional abuse, is the persistent, chronic pattern that “erodes and corrodes a child” (1994). Many experts concur that emotional abuse is typically not an isolated incident.

Yes, very severe abuse. If I had a Dad like that I would write him a good-bye
letter with certain conditions if he ever wanted to have a relationship with me or my children ever again. (Or you could get him to read this thread.)
However, I guess you worry for your Mom.

You're not a child anymore, so you don't have to put up with his abuse.
As children, we don't have the power to teach people how to treat us;
as adults we do.