I need advice on what to do next

I had an uncomfortable conversation with my father last night and today I have no idea how to handle it. We don’t talk, not because we have ever fallen out, it’s just that we have our own lives to get on with and for years now our communication has consisted of a sole, customary Christmas phone call and nothing more. He lives in a different part of the country now, but returned here a few days ago to attend a funeral.

Anyway, last night he turned up at my door and I knew something was wrong because he was sober. I let him in and we had a drink, the whole thing felt awkward. Eventually he became upset and started crying and apologising for abusing me as a child. Except he never abused me, ever. I said this to him and he was adamant he touched me inappropriately on several occasions, but I know he never. I haven’t blocked anything out, I am certain that he never touched me. This got me thinking that it’s possible he has mixed me up with and my brother.

My brother is a little older than me and we haven’t spoken in many years due to an argument we had. When we were children our father was an alcoholic and a drug user who was rarely home, but I think that the only possible explanation for my father’s apology to me is that he abused my brother when he was under the influence and now, years later, he thinks it was me. I am the ‘bad son’ ie I’ve been in trouble with the law, I’ve dabbled in drugs, I can’t deny that I am a very selfish person and so on, whereas my brother is a people pleasing pushover. My guess is that my father assumed the son he abused was me because I am the family ###$ up.

My question is, how should I proceed? I would normally just get on with life and not do anything, but I’m uncomfortable with my father thinking he abused me when he didn’t. Should I contact my brother and ask him if he was abused or should I encourage my father to do it? Keep in mind that me and my brother don’t talk, so he may feel insulted my questions.

Would it be wrong if I pretended that nothing happened and left it as it is?

DesLock, I believe you when you say that you are sure it never happened. Yes, he could have gotten it mixed up with your brother or, if he is a heavy drinker, it could be a delusion from damage caused by the drinking. It could (though I don't know that this would be it) that he has heard that kids who do "bad" things must have been abused and he has it in his head that it is his fault.

Personally I don't think it would be a problem to drop it unless he brings it up, again.

Thanks for the reply Jim, I'm very tempted to just drop it. If he doesn't bring it up again before he leaves for home, I probably will just ignore it.

I can only guess how difficult the conversation would be. But I think it might be good to encourage your father to talk to your brother.

At the moment, your father may feel that the situation has been "resolved." That he's apologised and that's all he can do. While your brother may have terrible memories that have never been acknowledged by anyone else in the family. An honest conversation between him and your father may help both of them hugely. And them both knowing that you know is also helpful. In terms of there being fewer toxic secrets kept.

I know you mentioned being selfish. And this is a hard thing to do. But I do feel it would be wrong to leave it as it is. An apology. However drunk or late. Could make such a difference to your brother.

Ada wrote:I can only guess how difficult the conversation would be. But I think it might be good to encourage your father to talk to your brother.

At the moment, your father may feel that the situation has been "resolved." That he's apologised and that's all he can do. While your brother may have terrible memories that have never been acknowledged by anyone else in the family. An honest conversation between him and your father may help both of them hugely. And them both knowing that you know is also helpful. In terms of there being fewer toxic secrets kept.

I know you mentioned being selfish. And this is a hard thing to do. But I do feel it would be wrong to leave it as it is. An apology. However drunk or late. Could make such a difference to your brother.

I agree. If your brother was the one touched, he could really benefit from and deserves an apology at the very least. You also can't let your father apologize to the wrong kid, or let him think he did those things to you if he didn't touch either of you. He may seem to be getting on with his life and decided he'd done his best, but it may be haunting him... it can be hard to get over the fact that you touched one of your children, I'm sure...