Am an idiot, need some basic advice

I have some questions I want to ask concerning child abuse. I was recently put into a psychiatric hospital for being suicidal. My life seemed fine until high-school, which is when it took a massive down-turn. After high-school I thought I had every psychiatric disorder possible, I was convinced that I was crazy, i based it off the anxiety & depression that I had. I am very reliant on my parents for everything, they have always forced me to do things like go to sports, and we traveled a lot when I was younger, so I have never had that self-confidence or responsibility that I needed to make decisions in my life. I might have aspergers, an example of what I am talking about is I have never been to the hair dressers alone (i am male), my mum is always there to talk to the hairdresser, when asked how I want my hair done I can't respond because the only thing that comes to mind is shorter (I want my hair cut shorter, really?), but perhaps that is just because I have no fashion sense. Since I was young I have always been very shy / socially anxious.

As said, I am male, an adult now. Does something count as child abuse if it is done during the late-teens? I feel kind of pathetic for being here and asking about this, but I want to know if this could constitute as child abuse, I am not very familiar with it.


In high-school my parents started treating me quite harshly. They requested that I sit down for a discussion (I hate talking, I could never handle sitting down for long periods of time & it is much harder when its 2 parents ganging up on you). When I asked for some independence & respect, when I asked that instead of yelling at me to do something instantly that they might instead ask me nicely so that I can do it as soon as I have time, they went crazy, they did not like it at all. The 2 lines I kept hearing for years were, "We are your parents, you will do what we tell you to do!" & "This is our house, if you don't like it then leave!" Things kept getting worse. They kept threatening me during this period (to take away my stuff, throw me out of the house...) & throughout the whole time I kept by my opinion that threatening is a method of controlling someone through fear, that I would not respond to threats.

Anyway, my daily life became quite awful. I was yelled at constantly. I would try to get away but they would yell at me more & accuse me of running from my problems, their response was to chase me & block me so I couldn't leave, & if I tried to get past or go another way they would attack me, sometimes throwing me out of the house, although most of the time I made it into my room and locked the door. I had to lock my door every day, I was literally terrified of my mum who was the abusive one, my dad was her puppet he would back her up whenever she had an issue, he is reasonable except when it comes to disobedience. I had to lock the door all the time & that wasn't enough, as my mum would do whatever she could to stop me from locking it (block the door, threaten me), I was still getting constantly yelled at through the door, and even then my mum broke through the door at least once, another time she got my dad to remove the lock, & once even attacked me through my window (she got hurt & I was severely punished).

She yelled all the time, mostly at me but also at everyone else, even when I was trying to sleep I could clearly hear what she was yelling at my dad (their bedroom is next to mine), and she would yell at him saying what a complete & ungrateful piece of $#%^ I was or she would yell at him for not being 'involved' enough, clearly expressing that he should yell at us more often & take an active zero tolerance stance in punishing us (the kids).


I did my best to act like it didn't get to me, but the reason I had to act was because I am a very sensitive person & it destroyed me every-time. I feel pathetic complaining about emotional abuse, especially as someone in their late-teens, but I have never understood emotions very well & no-one ever talked to me about them, before high-school I had a concerned teacher tell me that I didn't express my emotions properly.

I want to know if this could constitute emotional abuse? It was mostly yelling & threats but it made my daily life a living hell, i was very afraid and stressed, it has been a few years since it happened but I still have severe anxiety & stress problems & my life has completely collapsed. Could this be the cause? Also, could my mum have narcissistic personality disorder, I have known since I was little that she was a manipulative liar, but she always convinced me that she loved us very much?

Any help is appreciated, thanks.

possibly, but it more normally goes by "you are so stupid", from an early age, "you are ugly no one will ever love you", mainly for girls, "I don't love you", "you are such a loser", "so clumsy", etc

and more subtly setting you up to fail, that can be making academics a big priority and arranging huge arguments and fights the night before a big exam, or sending you shopping but not give you precise instructions, so you buy the wrong thing, making you become friends with the wrong people where you are vulnerable etc

and then there is "gas lighting " , which is again subtle

you have had problems with your parents but not classic emotional abuse, interested what others say

mainly for girls

^ completely disagree with this..

my mum is always there to talk to the hairdresser, when asked how I want my hair done I can't respond because the only thing that comes to mind is shorter (I want my hair cut shorter, really?), but perhaps that is just because I have no fashion sense.

^ entirely normal for an aspie.. a haircut is a haircut.. neat and tidy should be the goal.

Fashion sense is another one that aspies generally struggle with.. clean and well fitting should be the goal.. try and fit in if you can stand the styles and materials of the current fashions.. if you can't then go for simple black jeans or dark blues and a selection of nice smart-casual tops..

in high-school my parents started treating me quite harshly. They requested that I sit down for a discussion (I hate talking, I could never handle sitting down for long periods of time & it is much harder when its 2 parents ganging up on you). When I asked for some independence & respect, when I asked that instead of yelling at me to do something instantly that they might instead ask me nicely so that I can do it as soon as I have time, they went crazy, they did not like it at all. The 2 lines I kept hearing for years were, "We are your parents, you will do what we tell you to do!"

^ this is not emotional abuse.. this sounds pretty strict but is not in my opinion abusive..

"This is our house, if you don't like it then leave!''

^ this is emotional abuse

They kept threatening me during this period (to take away my stuff

^ this isn't emotional abuse

throw me out of the house...)

^ this is emotional abuse

& throughout the whole time I kept by my opinion that threatening is a method of controlling someone through fear, that I would not respond to threats

Telling someone that you'll confiscate their stuff is not threatening.. it's the sign of a parent that has no other idea of how to get you to tow the line.. see aspies have a specific problem with understanding social hierarchies and it gets them into trouble..

Rule 1. if a parent or other authority figure such as a teacher, police-officer or employer asks you to do something and the request will not put you or anyone else in any form of danger then you need to do what they ask.. they are in charge because the law (and society) states that they are.


I can understand your parents frustration.. why exactly is your time more important than theirs..? by telling them to wait and you not being engulfed in fighting a fire at the time = you are sending a clear message to them that they are not respected..

Parents have the right to ask you to clean your room or put the rubbish out... they are in charge whether you want them to be or not..

my dad was her puppet he would back her up whenever she had an issue, he is reasonable except when it comes to disobedience. I had to lock the door all the time & that wasn't enough, as my mum would do whatever she could to stop me from locking it (block the door, threaten me), I was still getting constantly yelled at through the door, and even then my mum broke through the door at least once, another time she got my dad to remove the lock, & once even attacked me through my window (she got hurt & I was severely punished).

Do you think that your mum was scared of what you might do with your door locked..? just giving an alternative viewpoint to consider..

attacking you through your window is abuse (unless she grabbed you to prevent you from harming yourself)..

I did my best to act like it didn't get to me, but the reason I had to act was because I am a very sensitive person & it destroyed me every-time. I feel pathetic complaining about emotional abuse, especially as someone in their late-teens, but I have never understood emotions very well & no-one ever talked to me about them, before high-school I had a concerned teacher tell me that I didn't express my emotions properly.

Please don't ever feel pathetic telling people how you feel.. dealing with emotions is another difficult area for many people, especially teens.. this is the time that you're watching others having fun around you and most likely wanting to join in but feeling a bit alien and outside it all..

How do you express your emotions..? do you think that they build up inside you while you're not looking and then they explode because you haven't attended to them..? Before you realise what's happened you're halfway through a meltdown..?

One tip if i may; stop acting - this is half of the problem.. you shove the emotions down but they just sit there bubbling away with the other emotions.. keep shoving emotions on to emotions and they won't all fit in.. hence the meltdowns.

Also, could my mum have narcissistic personality disorder, I have known since I was little that she was a manipulative liar, but she always convinced me that she loved us very much?

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Tell me about her lying and manipulation a bit here.. do you think that she lies more than average people do or is she around level with most people..?
I ask because if you are an aspie (and i am currently thinking that you very well could be) then your lie and manipulation tolerance system is likely to be very sensitive.. we tend to struggle with basic manipulation/lies that people use everyday without even considering that it's/they're manipulation/lies ..

I cannot answer on the NPD question.. all i'll say is that if she genuinely seems to be able to love you then it's unlikely.

I would say yes, it is emotional abuse. Unfortunately, as is clear with the above posters, people have skewed perceptions of abuse when it comes to children and parents. Parents do not own their children, children do not have to do exactly as they say when they say it. Children are their own people, as human as adults and with exactly the same rights. The UN human rights says that when an adult makes a decision for a child, it should be in their best interests. Their opinion should be heard and considered.

Let me put it this way. If a husband treated his wife the way your parents treated you, would you consider it abuse? If yes, then yes, you were abused too. You were in a situation where you did not feel safe. No-one should go through that, especially not at the hands of people who are supposed to love and trust them the most.

(I do not have experience with NPD so I could not comment on that.)

I hope you are out of this situation now, and feel safe. Please be gentle on yourself. I wish you the best.

yes, but would such abuse lead to significant PTSD ???

Tell me about her lying and manipulation a bit here..

A classic example of her manipulation is that she will try to make me feel guilty whenever I don't do what she wants. Telling me how selfish & cruel I am because... I didn't want to go out and watch a movie with the family? She used to call me a thief every-time I went into the kitchen, because by taking something to eat & drink I was stealing food that she had bought.

Her lies... Its hard to say really. She always lies about time, if she says 10 minutes then it means 20, if she says max 1 hour it will mean 3. She promised me first choice in rooms when we moved, I got last pick (smallest room next to my parents again) & when I brought it up she had not made any such promise. The best example is from when I was little (7-8yo), I said my loose tooth hurt (not complaining), she asked to see & tried to pull it out, I backed off but she told me to come & I refused, but she assured me repeatedly that she wouldn't pull it out. When I did go to her then she pulled it out, & when I got upset my mum said I should stop being such a crybaby & I was punished.

My mother took my laptop (I paid for) away right before my exams so that it became nearly impossible for me to study.

Do you think that your mum was scared of what you might do with your door locked..?

Not at all. This was before I self-harmed or attempted suicide. Locking the door was seen as a sign of being rebellious, by not letting them come & go from my room as they saw fit, they said its not 'my' room they owned it & i should be grateful they let me stay. My mum would run in several times a day & scream for hours, the worst part was trying to ask her to leave, if I did anything then she took it as a provocation. I locked my door to hide from her.

One tip if i may; stop acting - this is half of the problem.. you shove the emotions down but they just sit there bubbling away with the other emotions..

I guess the problem was that I had no emotional awareness. I thought I was really tough & could handle anything. I never knew about anxiety or stress. I still have no understanding of this sort of thing, and the thought of expressing emotion to another person is something I am extremely uncomfortable with. I don't how to express emotions properly. Alexthiymia, which is common.

I really appreciate the replies. The reason i asked was because I know that it is complex. Parents yell & demand obedience, this is normal. I did what I was told, I was very obedient. I couldn't stand the stress & anxiety that came with yelling & threats in the daily environment (before the conflicts), so I insisted that they don't do this, which I enforced through non-compliance when it happened & through silent treatment when I was really angry. That was all i did (although later I also requested they leave my room & eventually started swearing at them), I thought it was simple that they shouldn't yell or threaten people & that they would realize this & stop doing it, but instead everything became worse to the point where I was literally afraid all the time as I could hear my mum storming around the house screaming. Before things became so bad, while I had friends, one or two joked about the fights, other people knew that there were problems.

Personally I think they crossed the line by far & I am amazed that nobody in my family thought to say anything. My mum would literally run around the house screaming at everyone for a week when it got bad, she did anything she could to start provocations with me so she could tell my dad who would tackle me & throw me out of the house telling me not to come back. I wouldn't go out of my room until I had listened for minutes to make sure my mum wasn't around. I realize that my poor communication & disobedience played a large part, therefore I feel very conflicted.


The website that helped me realize my problems might be due to the conflicts, said:
http://www.aspergerpartner.dk/wp-conten ... ldren1.pdf

Psychological terror: repeated violations of the child's boundaries; sabotage of the
child's success by unreasonable demands, blaming the child for the adult’s behavior;
physical violence; yelling and screaming at the child; manipulation; defamation of the
child; threats; punishment; exposure of the child to injustice and unreasonable terms;
speaking negatively about the child to others, while the child listens; prohibiting the
toddler’s/child's babbling and chatter, spontaneity and play; demonstrating passive
aggressiveness towards the child.

I have most of the symptoms, which confused my social workers. In the psych unit I didn't really remember the conflicts, but I kept requesting that they don't involve my parents, yet they kept talking to my parents & constantly pressured me into letting them tell my parents everything.

Her lies... Its hard to say really. She always lies about time, if she says 10 minutes then it means 20, if she says max 1 hour it will mean 3.

^ these aren't lies.. when someone says they'll be ten minutes then they probably have every intention of actually being ten minutes.. please consider the time as a flexible goalpost that needs moving sometimes..

She promised me first choice in rooms when we moved, I got last pick (smallest room next to my parents again) & when I brought it up she had not made any such promise. The best example is from when I was little (7-8yo), I said my loose tooth hurt (not complaining), she asked to see & tried to pull it out, I backed off but she told me to come & I refused, but she assured me repeatedly that she wouldn't pull it out. When I did go to her then she pulled it out, & when I got upset my mum said I should stop being such a crybaby & I was punished.

^ these are lies.. the room thing isn't nice at all and i'm sorry that that happened.. you had every right to expect that your mother would keep her word.. in addition to lying i think that this should be considered emotional abuse.. the bit where she said that she hadn't said that you could have the room is awful - she's either got a severely poor memory or she's trying to undermine your sanity.

The tooth scenario = again is awful.. i'm sorry.

Calling you a crybaby for that is terrible..

I really appreciate the replies. The reason i asked was because I know that it is complex. Parents yell & demand obedience, this is normal. I did what I was told, I was very obedient

^ parents shouldn't yell but they do have the authority to ask you to do things with the expectation that you do them.. (within reason.. again with the fire scenario)..

a parent-child relationship is really not comparable to the husband-wife relationship.. I understand where the poster that wrote that is coming from but disagree to a limited extent.. children do indeed have rights but they also have to be taught to be productive and co-operative* members of society..
For example; you'd surely never tell your husband to have a bath and then remove his computer if he refused would you..? Yet if a child refuses to have a bath.. what are the options..? if you allow a child to become smelly then you're neglecting your child.. same as if a child is asked by a teacher to do homework.. what are your options if they refuse..?



(*the true meaning of the word here.. i'm not using it to mean entirely obedient robots)

An example.. if i ask my daughter to tidy her room.. i have the right to ensure that she does tidy her room..
I'm incredibly lenient and try not to shout but if she refuses or has a tantrum then i will confiscate items or impose a grounding restriction on her (or i'll just tidy her room myself but she's an aspie/has HFA and can't stand her space invaded so i try not to tidy it myself).

Now i love a good counter-argument.. if my daughter gives a good reason why she won't do her homework then i'll listen and consider if she's correct.. the bath is non-negotiable - she either has one or she's grounded until she's clean enough for other people to not wrinkle their noses in disgust (trust me.. when an aspie hates water this is tough).


If i could gently ask you to explore your use of the ''silent treatment'' and ask that you try not to do that again.. the ''silent treatment'' is itself one of the ambient abuse indicators..
I'm going to assume that you've learned this method from your mother though so i'll just ask that you consider your actions very carefully..


Okay;

stomping around the house, yelling and sreaming for a week.. threatening to throw you out is all severely emotionally scarring for a child.. whether the child is disobedient or not doesn't matter.. you have the right to expect that your mother will listen to your viewpoints and consider your feelings..

You have the right to feel secure in your home and know that you can stay as long as you like with the only exception being if you are placing people (including yourself) in serious danger..


I'll close with this; you are never responsible for another persons behaviour.. their response is always down to them.. you are in no way responsible for your mother screaming and stomping.. that is all her and in my opinion and experience of having c-PTSD caused by an abusive childhood = it is more than possible that your family dynamics could indeed have caused all your symptoms.

((hugs)) if you want them.. some aspies don't do hugs.