Understanding Physical/Emotional Abuse & Neglect

I really, really need help. I live in Michigan and my ex-wife and I have joint legal and physical custody of our 8 year old son. A year ago my ex moved to Lansing, some 80 miles from where I live in Detroit. My ex is not a warm, affectionate, attentive kind of woman, that's why she is my ex, but she is even worse with my son. She has her own place, but is at her sister's home every day, socailizing with her and her husband and having them feed both her and my son every day. My son goes to the same school their son goes to so each day the bus drops my son off at his Aunt's home and his mom is there, but instead of asking him how his day was or talking to or playing with him, she's talking to her sister, playing on the computer or watching tv. My son is usually playing with his cousins, a boy 6 months younger than him and a 4 year old girl. My son has a hard time making friends friends in school, due to poor social skills, his mother has no social contact outside of her family, my son also is never at his apartment complex longer than to go to bed at night so he's never had the time to make friends there, so these cousins of his are his only playmates and social contact where he lives. Due to the distance I am only able to see my son on weekends, altenate holidays and the summer, so his main environment is in his mother's care. My son's grades have been awful this year, where he was on the honor roll in Detroit, he has barely passed the third grade in Lansing, and even so is on a contingency plan that if he doesn't perform at fourth grade level during the first month of school this fall, he will be demoted back to third. He was seeing a therapist at my urging, who recommended to my ex that he be evaluated. I had only tried asking her to do this for 3 months prior. The evaluation ruled out learning disabilities, meaning that with proper parental guidance and supervision at home he could succeed, however, he didn't; enough said All throughout this last year, while constantly at his aunt and uncles', my ex started delegating her parental responsibilities to her sister and brother-in-law, even when she was present. She had them punish and spank my son. Almost as soon as he moved to Lansing, he came for a visit and had a purplish bruise on his behind, I saw this while giving him a towel to dry off with from the shower. I asked him about it and he said his uncle had spanked him earlier that week, it had to have been an awful spanking, since it was day 4 or 5 since, I had seen it. I confronted the Uncle, who said he felt he had to because his mother wouldn't discipline properly. I asked him then not to discipline him if my ex was right there, he said okay. I later found out, that went in one ear and out the other and they took over the discipline roles anyway. In April I my ex got a job working 4pm -midnight. Obviously this was not conducive to school hours, so my son began to live full time with his Aunt and Uncle, not his mom as courts thought. In early June I pettioned the court to reverse our parenting time arrangement so my son can live with me and my fiancee and go to school from our home, I had already been in weekly contact w/ his teacher in Lansing, getting progress reports via e-mail, as well as speaking with the principal and other administrators, but I could only be truly effective in helping him master his subjects if he lived with me, since it was obvious what was happening there. In mid-June when I picked him up for the summer, that's when my son told me his uncle spanks him viciously and often and that he chokes him and throws him to the ground and puts his foot on his chest when the mood strikes. I confirmed with my son that done of this is done jokingly, that it' s all serious. I also discovered a scar on my son's back. I promptly called Child Protective Services and opened a case. So far the case worker has determined the scar on his back is from a belt buckle. My son also relayed the choking incidents to her by demonstrating on himself. However, when he was asked if he was afraid to go back and live there, he said no. I know it's because those kids are his lifeline, since his mother set it up that way and that's why he wants to go back. But is it possible for a child that's being abused and neglected to want to go back into that environment, even when he gets love, support, discipline, encoragement and attention from me and can even recognize this for himself? I really need help on this !!!!!!!!

Fighter, keep at it. If you truly feel that his situation is abusive and harsh, you're doing the right thing... just make certain that you are right as it can't be undone.

That said, no self-respecting social worker can rely on the word of a child that he is fine going back to an abusive situation. It may be very true, because he loves his mother no matter what, but that doesn't mean it's healthy. It's okay that he's loyal to her as much as he is to you... he's just a little boy. He's been through some pretty drastic changes in his young life, not even counting the abuse. He probably thinks that there's something worse in store for him if he leaves her. He may have been threatened by her, his aunt and uncle, or even just schoolmates, but even that isn't necessary to make him afraid to leave. Children don't understand the concept of unconditional love. That's why as parents, you have to reinforce it over and over. She isn't acting like she wants him, and he probably thinks if he could just do things right, she would. But without knowing her, I can't really say. There are lots of emotions on both sides here, and there may be a lot more to the story.

Telling CPS that he is okay with going back to his aunt and uncle is not enough to keep him there is there's a scar on his back from a belt buckle. Keep fighting if you feel you're right, and remember to keep a level head. Be as objective as possible, and just keep doing what is best for your little boy.

Thanks Chickadee..for the inspiration and understanding..