Dunno if im in the rite place but then again im always lost!

K I already wrote this on another forum but I think this 1 would b betta for advice ect.. sorry if Ive done it wrong, i dunno sorry:

As a child i was always told how much of a failure i was and hw wothless, ugly stupid i was -which i still believe and i was i guess u could say abused by my childminder celia everyday, she used to punish me for nething and everything, she loved it and i can still c the look in her eyes, it wasnt just her tho, she had 3 sons, and allowed her oldest son to punish me too and he would often beat me unconscious while his other brothers watched and joined in sometimes, they taught the youngest how to fight with me as a punch bag. If threw up they all just laughed and make me clean it, the oldest son also, he touch me and took photos of me once, naked with his friend, in his room, while my parents went away once, we all went to this house somewhere so we could have a holiday too,i remember getting put in a basement and being locked in, i was in there for a while in only my pants, it was damp, reli cold and dark; i couldnt escape either, coz i had my hands and feet tied up with tape and i remember having a choke chain round my neck, u no the dog collars, the oldest son yanked any time i made the slightest sound/spoke or didnt do wat he said immediatly, he used to laugh and kick me till i passed out and spit on me, i think thats why i cant stand bein touched on my neck any more and im terified of small dark closed spaces, anyway i got ill but they just told my parents i was in the sea all the time and wouldnt come out, to expain the bruses i "got in a fight" with sme lil kid which "happened" all the time so my parents didnt bat an eyelid, other times i had to stand outside soaking wet in my pants in winter to c how long it took me to go blue, another time i was made to stand in a corner all day and i neva had nethin to eat so i got dizzy, colapsed and wet myself, i had to clean it up, she also used to lock me in this one kitchen cuboard if i said nething naughty or rude as i wasnt allowed to cry or make any noise at all; again i think thats why im reli $#%^ with emotions now, i went there all the time and sometimes had all meals round theres, but i only got wat the boys didnt want: which wasnt much so sometimes i got nuthin, when id eat at home mum would ask how i could eat so much yet b so skinny, we had cheack ups at skl and the nurse called mum in to give her a chat on how to feed me properly mum said she did but the nurse didnt believe because her i was so tiny, she asked me if i got fed at hme and i said i did, because i new i would get in trouble and punished if i told anyone, and that people would think im bad coz i got food when i was good, so i believed if i said that i neva got much food, they'd no how bad i was, after that i moved schools and mum would give me packed lunches, but celia would take it and mess them up, she put my sandwiches in the bin and told me to get them or trod on them, once she put her #######1 out in it and said i had to eat it; i wouldnt and said no, she forced it in my mouth and made me swallow i spat it out, she started calling me things, she grabbed my hair, hit me and washed my mouth out with a bar fo soap, i spent the rest of the day in the cuboard, she used to use lmon juce too.
i also had my baths round there and if her oldest son gave me it he would hold my head under till i stopped struggling and then smack me till i woke up, he would then touch me and ask if i like it, i had to say yes coz if i said no he'd put my head under water again or hit me, but reli, it made me feel dead inside, he also used to take my hand and make me touch him and his friend; i dnt no y i took it but i guess i just thought it was normal
i hate myslef for letting them do this to me, i neva spoke up so, i no its my fault, and i was bad so i need to pay for it i dont wanna end up in hell like celia said i would
thats y i do similar stuff to wat they used to do to me, like pullin my hair, hittin myslf, i dnt eat all day, i also make my self throw up wat i do eat smetimes, i burn myself, or hold sumin hot or put my hand in sumin hot till the pain feels cold, i make myself pass out and hold my breath underwater till i feel dizzy, take too many sleepin pill then take too many energy pills to keep awake, i also shut my fingers in door hindges and slam the door a couple of times, scratch my skin till its raw, biting myself till i bleed, cuttin and puttin stuff in it like bleach or viniger, and makin bruses on myself by pushing myself into things or "fallin ova", cutting myself with sharp stuff and blunt stuff to change the pain,
kept that so long but im goin mad, the weird thing is i always feel i deserve the pain and punishment and i feel satisfaction with my self and pride when i look at the marks it leaves behind, i must sound so twisted, i think i am, i oftern think of wat id do if i eva found those ppl and torture is my no1 for them, i know id like it, now i sound reli sick

this is from another:
I always have this permanent feelin that its my fault, i hate it and recently ive bn reli depressed i guess; i seem to be rememberin all sorta $#%^ that happened, its makin me so down and i cant cope wid it i mean some of the things i remember reli scare me like when i stayed ova the ppls house sme time and i hadnt bn sleepin coz everytime i did i had nitemares bout wat they would do, mum gave them some medicen to help me sleep, celia musta given me the whole bottle and i can only remember sme bits frm driftin in and outa sleep, its freekin the hell outa me sooo much coz im not totally sure wat happened, also i went to a party the other week and this guy hu's ment to b a mate kept tryin to touch me, he kept puttin his hands on my boobs, dwn my top and dwn below i didnt no wat to do and just tryed to wriggle away, but i couldnt he was on top of me and had my hands, i was scared but sme1 walked in and i took the chance to get away frm him, i dunno wat would happened tho and sme how i have a huge bruse on my bum like sme1 hit me or sumin? i had bn drinkin and stuff but i dnt remember how it got there, but i told him, i trusted him enought to tell him what celia's son did to me in detail and he copyed it, this is y i cant trust and then schools reli $#%^ atm my friends just dnt understand and thing im being all moody and actin spoilt, which is so not true im just thinkin and 2 of my mates have turned reli horrid sayin stuff to my sister, whos bein a cow and goes and tells my dad, like ive bn bunkin skl or im missing lessons and im gunna get suspened sn if i carry on, none of which r true!!! and my dads just laying into me bout it all i cant say its not true he wont give me a chance to speak, i just feel so lost atm and i dnt no y im remembering all these things but i am an my panick attacks r gettin reli bad i have them normally all the time like everyday but atm i seem to b havin a perminent 1, i cant breath i keep goin tingly all ova, my lips go blue, 1 side goes all numb, normally i can keep them pretty well hidden but there gettin reli bad now, my feet and hands get reli bad cramp as well which is not gd when im wakeboardin and quad biking, hurt myself the other day coz my foot sciezed up went smack into a tree!! im just so confused and lost an i dont no wadda do, i cant keep food dwn either but this has happened on and off since i was like 5, everytime i eat i fell like i should throw it up like thats wat ur ent to do, so im not reli eatin like just havin a bag of crisps all day and a fanta thats all i had today, but them i throw it up and get hungry ish again its just this stupid lil cycle i got in to all coz those fckin ppl, when i was like 5/6 the son used to hold me dwn to the highchair and force feed me then punch me in the stomach till i threw it back up and laugh at me when i did, i think thats y i do it, i dnt do it to b skinny but i do think that it will help me b skinny, but honest skinny ness is not the cause i dunno wat is plz sme 1 give me sme advice that doesnt involve the doctors or a therapist!! i dnt trust them there horrid they go and tell ur parents wat u say, mine did and im so glad I didn’t say nething big, but now when I go to the quacks which has bn 1 in 7 yrs ! mum dnt like takin me, ne hu she wont not cme in so its not like I could say nethin neways!! My parents r so werid

This came frm another forum to but it would help explain my parents:

i get pankic attcks all the time since i was 11ish, mum and dad dont believe me tho, they say i just get over excited to everyone who asks, like im a small kid or sumin, i had a reli bad 1 not that long ago, i was out at the time couldnt breath went blue and toally numb, couldnt move and was reli hot then reli cold for ages, they were gunna take me to go to hosp, but they asked for my home number and i wouldnt say it, so then my friend told them, i said not to call coz id b in trouble and all they said was dont b silly, no-one will b angry, but i was gettin worse coz i was stressed bout mum and dad and they called but i had to get picked up by mates mum and taken home coz mum and dad had been drinkin, when i got home, i had to say sorry to the mates mum for bein a nusence, she went and dad totally fillped out at me screamin, then he started to hit me coz i tryed to explain he jut yelled that i was such an attention seekin lil brat ect and then told me to get outa the house and stay outa his sight, i waited 3hrs to b let back in the house it was freezing and all he could say was that'll make u think bout doin it again u lil cow, i was so cold, sore frm him hittin me and tired that i just aggreed with him that id put it on for attention and that i was a spoilt bitch ect, but he wanted a fight with me and coz i just went up 2 bed, he followed me yellin and tryin to hit me and mum just kept aggreein with him and addin in horrid comments, when they went back to their room i just felt so numb and i could hear them bitchin bout me through the thin walls, it just made me feel so worthless, now if i eva have 1 i walk off smewhere quiet till it goes away and i feel so guilty when it happens, only my cuz noes i still get them but i made him promice not to tell anyone which he hasnt so far

this is not the first time either parent has hit me either, they still do sometimes, but not that oftern just more thretern it, dad used to hit me when i was smaller with his leather belt and if i annoyed him he's shout at me while snappin his belt coz he new it scared me and it did still does, hes also punched, kicked me, slaped me, regualryy used to smack me so hard i couldnt sit dwn , thretern me and smaked my head on a wall b4 as well, but he doesnt do this to either my brother or sister just e and only when hes anoyed aslo whn he and my mum fight its always my fault and dnt i no it, mums hit me to she slapped me in sainsburry once and i dropped custard everywhere, dad got me for that,the thing is i still look for there aproval and love all the time, is that normal?

i feel reli wrong now so thats all im gunna say coz this is reli reli long now so sorry for ne1 hu reads this i just needed sme1 to talk to and i dont no if this makes any sence im tryin to explain it but thers so much that happened I cant say it all and when i think about it its all such a blurt that i find it hard to focus on one part they all link together so if ne1 actually understands my crappy writin and can help me deal wid it all id b reli gratefull thanks xx

i take it no 1 understood this then, sorry i couldnt write it better, its k i only wanted sme1 to listen to me, but it still feels like in left in the dark while every1 else moves on im forgotten does no1 have sme advice for me plz nethin im goin mad

perminent_loser wrote:i no its my fault, and its a sinso i need to pay for it i dnt wanna end up in hell thats y i do similar stuff to wat they used to do to me, like pullin my hair, hittin myslf with heavy stuff on the head or back with stuff like flashlights ect, i dnt eat all day i only had two chunks of chocolate and a glass of milk day and yesterday all i had was two small orange things and sme cucumber, i also make my self throw up wat i do eat smetimes, i burn myself, or hold sumin hot or put my hand in sumin hot till i cant feel the pain nemore or it gets too much, i make myself pass out and hold my breath underwater till i feel dzzy, take too many sleepin pill then take too many energy pills to keep awake, i also shut my fingers in door hindges and slam the door a couple of times, scratch my skin till its raw, take reli long ice cold showers and go to the windows in winter, stayin awake for days, biting myself till i bleed, cuttin and puttin stuff in it like bleach or viniger, and makin bruses on myself by pushing myself into things or fallin ova, cutting myself with sharp and blunt stuff,

Hun it is not your fault at all. You were scared and who know's what they would have done if you called. I think that you are a very strong girl to be able to come out of this all alive and able to talk. I am very proud of you. Just by what you have told me I can tell that you are strong and very optimistic. That is the best trate to have and im so glad that you are. Thing's will get better. The day you turn 18 you should try to get a psych. It's not to far from now so maybe you should start looking for a good one now. I hope that thing's get better. Good Luck.

Take care,
Kayty

hey kayty,
thank you so much ur so kind, i cant help but feel its all my fault, i mean y would all this happen if i havent done anything? i must have dne something, or it just doesnt make sence, do u no wat i mean? i want to look for a pych but im just so scared, like stupidly scared, which makes me feel so stupid and pathetic, i mean reli? sorry, i just hope things do get better, i reli do so much its untrue, and ur amazing as well ur so strong and kind
thanks so much for bothering with me, means a lot xxxx

hey hun,

Yea I know what you mean. I feel that way too, but when you think about it if someone else told you that this happened to them your first responce would be to tell them it is not there fault. It is just because it is happening to you that you think it is your own fault. It really is'nt, you did nothing wrong. You seem like a great person and all the people who did this to you are assholes (excuse my language), I just cant stand that anyone can do this kind of stuff to such great people. Thing's will soon get better. You will be able to make your own decission's soon and not have to do what your mother say's.

Take care,
Kayty

P.S. How are you today?

aww thank you, you reli are too kind xx i reli hope so, i want my parents outa my life as soon as possible, oh that sounds so mean of me i sound reli horrid, ugh i hate the way they make me feel like ive done sumin wrong if i say anything bad about them!!! its so frustraiting tho, i mean y do ppl do this sorta thing? i have to hav done something anything ppl dont just do it randomly do they? xxx

oh forgot to answer ur qusetion, er im fine today, bn reli busy doin house work, mum gave me a huge list before she went out this morning, and its bn reli hot again so im reli tired and i have to pak to go camping tomorrow, im just reli stressed atm i guessed u? xxxx

Im ok...a little depressed. I dont think it is wrong for you to say that about your parents. I think it is wrong what they have done to you. You deserve much better. You did'nt do anything. Anybody that can do stuff like what has been done to you is a bad person and bad people dont cae who they hurt. You dont have to do anything for them to hurt you.

Kayty

y what happened today?? if its not wrong, y do i feel so bad after saying it? and y do they act so normal around other ppl outside the family? i hate it as i have to go along with it, ive tryed not once and it didnt turn out well, what if i dont desereve better? am i just moaning about it all to much? chat soon xxxx