Is this child abuse?

Iv'e been dating this guy for almost two years now. He is divorced and has a daughter. He has been a wonderful sensitive and kind boyfriend to me.

She is a wonderful 11 year old girl that I like a lot. The problem is that it feels kinda wierd. I think there is some role confusion going on. I don't have kids so I don't understand this stuff.

When I met him he had a small one bedroom apartment. He still does. His daughter is now 11 years old and I tell him hes going to need to get something bigger so she can have her own room. He says he just cant afford it now. Anyways, when I met him he used to sleep on the floor in the bedroom and she would sleep on the bed (which is a futon mattress on the floor). I told him that I felt uncomfortable with the situation and that he should be sleeping in the livingroom. He is young at heart and rather unconventional so it didn't suprise me much but I felt uncomfortable with it.

Well, he's also kinda a hippie and goes to nudist saunas once in a while and stuff. I just take it that hes artsy but he told me the other day that his daughter caught him on the porch in the morning without pants on! He usually has that morning routine with me and I think nothing of it (although I wouldnt wanna), but I find it very disturbing that he doesn't alter that routine when his daughter stayed over! I told him that and he said, dont start and I worry too much.

Anyways, his daughter acts like his girlfriend and has never been very accepting of me. He hasn't involved us enough and after two years I can say that Ive only spent time with her about 6 visits. This last visit just her and I went shopping. She wore this sorta sexy shirt and said it would drive "dad" wild. And I dont think she ment in a bad way. I guess I just don't know if I'm over reacting here or if there are some real boundary infringements going on here!

The other day I went into the livingroom and his daughter said dad is "changing" and she walked into the kitchen. I noticed that he had left the door open a bit. This really disturbs me. Around me he tends not to close doors and stuff even when showering or going to the bathroom. But it makes me wonder if he does that when she is there. Do you think we just have different standards or values or is this just not right?! I think this behaviour of his would def confuse a child and I could see why she would feel threatened by me.

-confused

I certainly think that ye have different standards but his standards do not appear correct to me. I am worried about the way he appears to behave around his daughter. I do not think it is healthy for her future. I mean, children are learning all of the time and the teachings of a parent go a long way to deciding the adult that a child will become.


I wouldn't doubt that he loves her but perhaps he loves her too much so much that he cannot behave respnsibly around her. You said that he is young at heart which is not a good start.


...And then there's you: From reading your post it is obvious you want to become involved. That's great but don't let this linger and linger because you will suffer.

Really I think the only part that would likely concern me is the comment about driving dad wild. The rest I don't think that I would think much of. I grew up in a very "open" family - there really was not a lot of modesty around my house and doors where rarely closed (including bathroom, bedroom etc.) But this was normal around my house and none of us had any problems with it or viewed it as inappropriate (and yes it was a bit of a hippie household too). I don't see any issues with sleeping in the same room either - I grew up in a poor family and for alot of my life all 5 of us slept in one bed (including parents). you also have to remember an 11 year old, although starting to look grown up is still a child - even at the age of 11 my mom and dad still cuddled me some times when I wasn't feeling good or slept with me when I was scared. It is also typical for children this age to not like their parents girlfriends/boyfriends - someone new in their life is usually not greeted with enthusiasim. When my parents got divorced my dad did not introduce us to anyone that he dated! He didn't want other people getting involved and attached to us untill he knew that they where going to be a part of our life forever - so I wouldn't be worried about you not spending much time with her. All and All based on my experiance I don't think it sounds like there is anything wrong - just a matter of perception.