Is my son a bully?

I need an outsiders point of view. Just to start off with... I don't condone bullying by my children. It is not tolerated.
There was an incident in his school last year involving another child. Im fighting to get the full bully report right now but the VP told me my son said some things to a girl. He told her on different occasions.. I don't like you, I am not your friend, None of my friends like you, and I wish you were not born. First off, I do NOT agree with what he said. He was punished. A bully report was written against my son for the reason it wasnt one incident. I found out today that the report was filed, and it was filed may of last school year.
The part im having a problem with is... This child moved next to me in July. I lived in a duplex and the family moved in to the 2nd part of the place. This child and mine have to share a front and back yard, a swing set, toys, ect. I guess they dont really HAVE too, however their side has very little yard so we share the whole thing. And let them use our swing set.
So im upset because this parent was upset enough to make a bully report against my son in MAY, then move next to him in JULY. They knew he lived here before moving. We met them before they signed their lease. If this child was really bullied, and felt THAT upset... why subject both kids to more psychological harm?
Oh... Both children were 8 at the time.
Now here is where I need help. Am I upset just because hes my son... or is there really something wrong with this picture.

I might not have understood your post correctly, but, your son bullied another child, it was reported and there were consequences for him, in May? And then this family moved near you in July?

It could be that they felt that the punishment had fit the crime and that they don't think that he will bully her again. Perhaps the school has said that the children are getting on now [has your son said anything like that?] I don't know what housing is like in your area, but it might be that they didn't feel like they had other options for places to move, for some reason. It might even be that her parents are insensitive to her concern at this, or feel that she needs to "grow up" and "learn to deal". I would be surprised if they had considered your son's feelings in this. I don't think any of these possibilities would suggest that the girl wasn't bullied, although I agree that you should be able to see the full report for yourself. What did your son say about the incidents? Did he say that she provoked him, or that it was made up?

From what I understood about the situation at the time was he was friends with her and her twin brother, then were no longer friends.. prompting the comments. Honestly I was never told if she ever said a word to him. His school has a policy of only telling you what your child did. I was also not told if the incidents happened over 2 days, or 7 days, or even 14. Just it was not all in 1 day. My son will not say if she said something. Plus after so long I dont think he could remember correctly. I do know the only comment that bothered her was the "I wish you were not born". She told me that over the summer. The rest she said was just stupid. I feel they were all wrong, but that's just me.
Since they have moved here the children have gotten along great. Minor child issues have happened. Not wanting to share a toy, taking too long on a video game, etc. But otherwise things were ok. They both went to my sons karate party, spent the night at my house during a movie marathon I gave for all the kids on a rainy weekend.
I can honestly answer that no, this was not the only place. I know personally that 2 other places were open. One 2 doors down, and one another street over. Same apartment complex so the insides were identical.
I guess I was just extremely mad that she threw it in my face, when I didn't even know. I knew he was in trouble for the incident, and took his punishment. I was not aware he was labeled (on paper) for the next 2 years as a bully. They assigned our boys the same class this year and since they live next to each other I asked my son be moved. She told me he wasnt suppose to be placed near any of her kids anyway because of the report. It seems to me she didn't take it seriously or else she would have moved her son when we found out in June they were going to be together. I did it because from what I seen over the summer I thought the 2 boys could cause trouble together.

I'm surprised at the school not involving you more in this, you should have found out about the report and its implications from them at the time, rather than from her. Maybe she didn't know you didn't know either, and that she's forgiven and moved on? I'm glad you've been proactive, though, and requested the move for your son. It's good if they can all get on, but that doesn't have to be being constantly together.

I don't fully understand. What's wrong with the two children living next to each other? Just because there was some tension doesn't mean she should let that get in the way of doing what she wants to do.

To me Bullying is a VERY severe issue. To have my son be labeled for 2 YEARS is a severe issue. How the parents handled it AFTER makes me think that it WASN'T serious. That it was nothing more than just childhood drama. Where kids are best friends, get into an argument, then hate each other for a week. Next week they are best friends again. I will know more when/if im allowed to see the full bully report.

There's a gap between how the school has responded and how the other parents responded, but I don't think it's fair to confuse the two. From what you've said, yes, your son did bully another child. That child and her parents have dealt with it and moved-on, and it seems like your son has too, he's friends with the child's brother again and [presumably] hasn't bullied anyone else since.

The consequences from the school are separate to that. They may have a zero tolerance policy, which means that a one-off incident of calling names is treated in the same way as repeatedly punching someone. I think that may end up disproportionate, either over-punishing him or under-punishing worse bullying, but again it's separate from the reaction and behaviour of the victim's parents. They will probably have had very little input into the reaction of the school.

I think you are taking the right approach in attempting to get clarity about this from the school. In my own opinion [and I am just a random person on the internet, I don't know anything about this other than what you've said] I don't think it's helpful to dispute whether it was bullying or not. And the seriousness of it all seems to come down to the reaction of the school, not to the behaviour of the other parents.

What do you want to happen?

Honestly yesterday I was very angry about how she put it. It wasn't in a nice way. It was very condescending. Like my son just randomly choose her daughter to torment and it was my duty to make sure my son was not in class with hers. So yes, I was angry when I posted that. Never learned not to post angry.
Im still really angry I was never given a copy of the report, or even an option to view it. I guess my whole problem really is... does the punishment fit the crime. He only got 3 days recess detention. So for 3 days he had to stay inside for 15 minutes. If the crime only warranted that little of a punishment, does it also warrant a 2 year stigma. The situation was obviously very easily resolved. He really did feel bad about how he made her feel. He did apologize, verbal and on paper. He served his punishments at home, at school, and at karate. He lost a chance at belt promotion, that was his karate punishment.
I had honestly not thought of the incident since it was resolved. Then I found out my son was on the superintendents bad list for 2 years. 2 years isnt a set time. He has 2 years because it will be gone once he moves up to middle school. He still has 2 more years before that.
I dealt with severe bullying in high school, to the point I quit. Im having a hard time in my head putting my son on the same level with those kids. I keep reminding myself yes, what he did was a form of bullying, I know that. Just does that form deserve to be put in with kids who make other kids lives a living hell, or who go out of their way to push you, or alienate you. I can name more things but you get my point. That is what im trying to wrap my head around. As a parent, its very hard for me to see my son with those kids.

The question is starting to seem to me more like: is your school bullying your son?

I don't think you should put your son on a level with the people who bullied you. I think that probably most people have some experience of both being bullied and bullying, it can happen at any age. Hopefully everyone learns from it. That the school have this report system that can affect children for years after the behaviour has been identified and resolved doesn't seem positive to me. Keeping a record of what happened is one thing [I can imagine they'll want to do that for legal liability reasons.] But that shouldn't affect anything in his current schooling or treatment there, and there definitely [in my opinion] shouldn't be an ongoing stigma.

Honestly, I am not sure if your son was only picking on her, he was bullying her (but that was put to a stop very quickly), or if it was just a one time thing. Not sure if he is a bully. If both the children can get along with each other, then just let it go.

The school, from what I can see, did a very terrible job in informing you what was going on.

At least you explained to him and punished him for his actions. A lot of parents wouldn't really care.