Unexpected reactions

I had the great idea of googling the name of the leader of my bullies of 15 years ago. Some results came up that lead to a bunch of Youtube videos. I clicked on them and I immediately recognized him. The videos were quite violent, ranging from street fights to acts of vandalism by him. They really showed that he hasn't changed one iota in all these years, but that did not really surprised me. However, I was taken aback by my reaction while watching the videos: they made me physically sick, I started to feel dizzy and shaking and feeling like throwing up. In fact I think I was panicking, it was like the sense of danger and terror that I used to feel had come back with a whole new intensity. I felt uneasy for the next few days.

Well, this was a hell of a reaction from me that surely I wasn't expecting, and which I'm not proud of. Maybe I'm not over all of this like I thought I was. But I was wondering if anyone has ever had a similar experience.

Did you have any professional help to deal with the bullying? Quite clearly it is still affecting you, even long after the incident. I have experienced verbal bullying, but it did not have the same affect, as your bullying. I tried to ignore my taunter, and when that failed, I involved the police.

TROJAN wrote:Did you have any professional help to deal with the bullying?

Thank you for your response. I did not get professional help at that time but I'm getting now (actually for social phobia, of which bullying was probably one of the causes).

Quite clearly it is still affecting you, even long after the incident. I have experienced verbal bullying, but it did not have the same affect, as your bullying. I tried to ignore my taunter, and when that failed, I involved the police.

My bullying was also physical and lasted for about 2 years. I remember some episodes but I think I have forgotten most of it by now, so seeing that person again shouldn't have been a big deal!

Good to hear that your experience is no longer affecting you as much as it was.

Interesting. I never felt sick when I saw or heard about my bullies, i didn't even panic. I just felt rage, hate, and I wanted to torture them. Maybe one day I even have the chance. The only thing they destroyed inside me is the trust in others, and my empathy. I don't give a damn about others, and they feelings. I'm like a good actor. I manipulate people to reach my own goals, and most of the times they even don't notice it. And i even like to see others fail, or being hurt. Its such a good feeling!