Why do people assume the bigger kid is the bully?

I entered puberty at eight years old, which is quite a bit earlier than average, even considering that girls tend to mature sooner than boys. I was already wearing a bra and beginning to grow body hair when I was in third grade. I started sixth grade three months after turning eleven years old. By that time, I was standing at approximately my present adult height, wearing a C cup, and had a completely functioning adult body. Because my classmates still had children's bodies, this meant I was taller and stronger. In high school, others began to catch up and surpass me. By graduation, I was perfectly average in height, and slightly overweight but by far not the heaviest or the biggest anymore.

But before then....

I was relentlessly taunted by my classmates. Sometimes it was sexual harassment in the form of remarking on the size of my bustline. In fact, during sewing class when I was in seventh grade, the teacher took our body measurements in front of everybody, with no concern for privacy. I had by far the largest bust measurement of everyone present, even bigger than the teacher, and the entire class knew my exact size. Very quickly, I found my measurements written for all to see, on the girls' bathroom wall. This wasn't the first time. Back in that third grade classroom, when I was beginning puberty, the school wanted our heights and weights recorded for their health records. That teacher had also weighed and measured everyone publicly, and didn't care who knew the results. As I stepped up to the scale, I remember a boy remarking, "I bet she weighs a thousand pounds!" Of course I didn't. I only weighed 70. But that was the heaviest. I was the only one in the class whose weight started with a 7 instead of a 6 or a 5. It didn't matter that at 4'6" I was also the tallest, by at least a head. All I heard about was that higher number on the scale. From then on I was labeled fat, even though I was not clinically overweight at that time.

If it wasn't my size, it was my name, which was easy to turn into a joke because my first name was an animal, and my last name was a body part. Those jokes affected me so much, I ended up changing my name legally as an adult. Another joke magnet, my teeth. They were severely bucked, until a school counselor took pity on me and financed the braces my parents never would have bothered paying for because they didn't consider me worth the expense. (It would have cut into their beer and cigarette budget.) Any time they weren't making fun of my own name, they were calling me Bugs Bunny or Bucky Beaver. Add to this the fatal combination of high IQ but lack of athletic prowess, which made me always the fastest learner but the slowest runner. Then factor in my clothes being shabby and out of date, and not being allowed to bathe regularly because soap, shampoo, and hot water were luxuries. Finally, with parents who were too unstable to stay in one location, I went to 20 different schools in 7 different states before I graduated. Sometimes I changed schools as many as 5 times in one year. This meant I was always the new kid, coming in after the cliques had already formed, and having no place to go.

Well, needless to say, I was socially hopeless.

But what was I going to do about it? "Just ignore it," like everybody kept telling me to do, didn't work. It never does. I don't know why they keep giving that advice. If I told, I was chastised for being a tattletale. And if I defended myself, inevitably an adult would misunderstand the situation. All they saw was, bigger kid having a fight with a smaller kid. Boom, that made ME the bully. "Pick on someone your own size."

And those little hoodlums knew it, too. They knew they could say or do anything they wanted, and they wouldn't get in any trouble.

I had a similar experience when I was eight. These five-year-old black and hispanic kids were making fun of me and I defended myself. An adult woman tackled me to the ground and screamed, "These children are half your size!" I didn't find it traumatic, but it made me lose a lot of faith in humanity.

Like you, I was also verbally abused in a way that was far worse than being physically abused in my situation. I once defended myself against a black woman who was making racist remarks at me, and I was automatically regarded as the aggressor and was removed from class. Even though no tangible damage was done (I simply went on to another class), the memory of that will haunt me for as long as I live. It was ten years ago and I still feel like it was yesterday.

I don't know how I can help you, but I hope that my story will tell you that you are not alone.

Wow, BradyLady, that was a pretty awful upbringing you described. Your school counselor was amazing for paying for your braces.

As for bullying and size... as I think most victims of bullying will tell you, the bully is the most aggressive/angry kid, and not necessarily the tallest. I guess the people who assume the big kid is the bully just haven't been bullied much in their lifetime.

I think people who assume the bigger kid is the bully are really stupid or they just don't care to find out the truth. They just care about their salary and not their job or children's wellbeing. ###$ the kids mentality.

I was bullied for 5 years when I was 9-13yo. I was an average sized boy. The bully was my size, maybe a bit smaller and physically weaker, but he really enjoyed to abuse me emotionally. I didn't dare to defend myself in any way, because I really was afraid to being considered even more crazy or weird than I was considered at that time. I didn't dare to admit that I was bullied. I didn't dare to admit that I was weaker than him. I once thought that I could throw some car's battery acid to his clothes or even his face, but luckily I did nothing to him. Yes, I still would like to shoot him, but I want to keep my work so... I'm not going to do that. (I've killed him in my dreams many times). Fortunately I haven't dreamed about him so much anymore. But I should have told my parents or somebody else trustable when I was bullied.

meh, i was huge when i was a child. tall and fat. i towered over my peers and was as big as the teachers in grade school. i just had this weird growth spurt. but the "tiny, cute" girls would always bully me and manipulate others into thinking i was the ogre.

i've pretty much been bullied all of my life thanks to a mother with NPD and being the "fat girl" always growing up. little-to-no self-esteem will always make you prime target for bullies even when you're an adult.

but, yeah, the double standard is ridiculous. just because i was big doesn't mean i was the bully. i was the gentle giant, so to speak. god forbid i ever fought back, though. i couldn't. because like with anything in life, the "pretty, tiny, cute" people always garner favor with others. no one believes the fat boy or girl due to preconceived stereotypes.

and that, ladies and gentlemen, is how we end up raising spoiled children who think they do no wrong and sue everyone for every little thing when they hit 30.

I'm bullied more in my adult life than I ever was in school. I will be one to tell you, bullies can come in various shapes and sizes. I often have bullies that are smaller than me. At the same time, I've had bullies that are taller than me. The last person that bullied me was a cop. He was the classic bully. He was tall, and fat. (he was about 6'5" which is about 5 inches taller than me)

He was a real douche bag too. The only thing that kept me from stomping his face on the ground was the fact that he was a cop and the laws.