It's been about ten years and I'm still in pain.

Teasing was always a part of my life, bullying, verbal abuse wasn't knew to me. I was also the new kid, and the new kid always goes through a lot before everyone sees you as a part of the class. So, of course, I had the new kid life everywhere I was. My childhood was a bit sporadic.

The first few times it really got to me was when I was in maybe third grade, my friend moved away after knowing her for half a year, and my other friend suddenly turned against me. It was petty and only slightly bothered me. I had gone from having two friends to no one really ever seeing me. We'd play capture the flag and I could just step onto the other side of the field, grab the flag and strut back without anyone knowing or caring.

Then in fifth grade I went to school that seemed like it was a million miles from where I lived, probably more like four. The "New Kid" thing kicked in, once again. Nothing too bad, but I accidentally and absentmindedly mentioned I liked a certain boy. Things went from passable to what felt like hell. I suddenly had cooties, (which I had been surprised that cooties still lingered in fifth grade) and people purposely avoided me. This same year, it was suddenly noticed that I had very bad dyslexia. So now not only did I have cooties, was the knew kid, but I was retarded. Because I wasn't full on retarded I was allowed to go to normal classes, which meant I was fair game for a lot of teasing, name calling and picking. It got so bad that one day we were running and a student fell in the mud. Everyone helped him up and asked him if he was alright and one kid walked him to the nurses office. Later, I fell in mud. I hit my chin on the curb, was covered from head to toe and was scraped up pretty bad. Everyone simultaneously laughed and proceeded to kick mud at me. When I went to the teacher she covered a chuckle and said "nurse" and let me walk by myself to the nurses office.

Then we got to middle school. This was when things went so far down hill that even after managing to pass the test and was not labeled dyslexic, I started failing school.
The first day of school we had to build a paper tower as tall as possible. When I tried to suggest a way to do the tower to my two partners they ignored me. I became mad as they told my I was stupid and it wouldn't work. The teacher noticed us arguing and asked the two other students why we weren't working together. They told him that I had been fighting with them. When I told my teacher my side of the story I had to go sit in the corner of the class while everyone else did the project. My teacher was far more than cruel to me for the rest of the year. So much as ignoring me and looking at me for a split second when homework was due. I stopped doing homework for his class.

Then it got worse. I'm not sure what happened, but it got worse. I was walking through the food court and I was being pelted with pizza crust and milk cartons. I found half eaten food shoved in my sweater and in my backpack. I was ignored, called names and just over all I didn't want to wake up in the morning. I had terrible insomnia, I couldn't sleep most days and when I got to school everyone was convinced I was a drug addict. I was pushed and shoved by people I never met, and my teachers treated me like I had made this happen.

On more than one occassion I went to my teachers and told them how I was being treated. "Well, you shouldn't be a tattletale."
I found half eaten candy in my sweater and I was a tattletale? Someone threw a book at my head and I was a tattletale?
Then one day I was taken to the office and sat down. They proceeded to ask me questions that made me want to die. "What are you doing to make them do this to you?" "Obviously everyone doesn't hate you just because, you must be mean." "Why do you wear sweaters all the time?" "Why do you not talk to people."
I had real answers for each questions. I have no idea, I've only ever been nice, I used to live in the desert it's very cold here, I don't talk to them because they dump milk on me, why do you think!?

The counselor did this little head shake that told me "Something is wrong with you, and there is no hope to fix you."
I stopped doing homework and showed up to school late on many occasions. I near gave up completely.

Then there was this boy. I have no idea what was so wrong with him, but he was twice my size and had a fuse shorter than his little toe. He followed me home from school one day. Well, he actually stalked me. With three of his friends. All the while they were calling out insults and making fun of me. When I asked them why they were tailing me, they told me they wanted to know where I lived.

I lived in a motel which was one step above the five homeless shelters I had lived in.

I managed to ditch them in an alley way and came home two hours late to make sure they hadn't followed me. The next day at school he was boasting that I lived in an alley in a box. I had finally hand enough and when he looked at me, I flipped him off. He asked me to say that to his face, and I did. I was so sick and tired of the way I was being treated, I was done with it.

He punched me so hard in the stomach I had a bruise the size of a pineapple. If covered nearly my entire stomach, and when I screamed at him about being a man and hitting a woman he ran. I chased him very, very far knowing when I reached him I was going to aim for his crotch, his neck, and his eyes.

Nothing ever happened. The school did nothing about it despite the bruise and the pictures of it. He got off with punching a girl half his size for saying the F word. After that I gave up completely. I stopped trying at all. I knew if I did I would get hurt, and no one believed me. The whole entire school either hated me or didn't care if they found me in a gutter somewhere.

To this day, I still have hurtful, and frightening feelings about those people. I know that if I had a gun, I would have been the next columbine. To this day, I hope those people have daughters that are pick on as I was. I don't want it to happen to anyone, but in my heart I hate them so much. I endured three years in that town, where I was physically and verbally abused, ignored, and blamed for what happened to me.

Today, I have what, four friends? I also hate that I was strong. I keep feeling like if I had shot someone, or cut myself, or killed myself, someone would care. But to this day, no one cares. No one has ever apologized for all the things they stole from me, all my things that were broken. My parents have never apologized for not caring about what was happening. I look at these kids who are cyberbullied, and I know I should feel their pain but I can;t. I just keep thinking about the milk, and the pizza crusts, and the bruise, and the way I was dragged over five yards by three people because I shed a tear for what they did to me. I just can't relate. I know all these other people are feeling the same pain, but I can't fell it. I still feel like I was the one girl who has always been overlooked.

It's not a right of passage, and I should have never had to be strong enough to endure that. No one deserved to be singled out, and attacked as I was. And if one, just ONE teacher had stepped in my life would have gotten better. I would have been okay. But I'm not. I still have nightmares about it, and I still cry. Hell, I am right now. It hurts, so bad. Not just because it happened, but because NO ONE CARED.

As a side note, I was able to do that project again four years later in high school. The one with the paper tower. My teacher, my new math teacher was so impressed because he had never had a student build one that stood up straight as tall as mine. And in my heart, it was the biggest accomplishment of my life. Because that math teacher and those kids weren't right. I was stupid, I was smart. And although it was one accomplishment, it made the pain of feeling ugly and stupid and dumb and weird like they said I was, a little less painful.


(Even though I am not legally dyslexic, I still am dyslexic. Please excuse the typos. I think about letters and words differently so something what I'm typing comes out wrong.)

I was always bullied at school, I know how you feel.

I remember a time when I began to hate everyone, my parents were neglectful/abusive.

For me it is many yeas ago now and the memories have faded. I used to walk at least 2 miles to infant school, normal for the time (1950s) I was relentlessly bullied by two girls who walked my way. They blackmailed me into giving them all my sweet money (a few pence years ago) then they would leave me alone.
I would be faced with them on the way home to.
Secondary school, bullied again. I suppose because I was very shy, withdrawn. I provided an easy target.

I know that if I had a gun, I would have been the next columbine. To this day, I hope those people have daughters that are pick on as I was. I don't want it to happen to anyone, but in my heart I hate them so much. I endured three years in that town, where I was physically and verbally abused, ignored, and blamed for what happened to me.

The bullying did have a bad effect on me I felt like as above.
I don't think there is always a reason some kids get bullied, I don't believe you did any thing to 'deserve' it. The teachers failed you by not tackling the problem.
My friends son was bullied badly at school, so bad he eventually changed schools. Then it was better.
He is such a nice lad though, friendly, likeable. He's overweight though he got teased over that.

To this day, I still have hurtful, and frightening feelings about those people.

Have you ever had any treatment for this, it sounds like PTSD there are therapies that are apparently very successful.
Your home life ten years ago sounds very stressful and chaotic, with bullying at school as well you had a tough time.
I hope you are in better circumstances now. You deserve good times.

Hello BluejayBruise. It sounds like you went through a lot. I also went through a lot when I was in high school.

Yeah, I experienced the neglect from teachers as well. One of them told me that I was "too sensitive" because I kept reporting the incidents of students picking fights with me. Once, I had a conflict with a girl when I was in junior high, and despite the fact that she started the fight, the dean forced me to apologize to her. Bottom line is, I have no respect for people who teach in public schools. They're just losers who never made it in real life. Just keep that in mind whenever you feel angry at them.

I find that most of the people who picked on me were actually too stupid to realize what they were doing. A number of them started fights with me, and when I told them they started it, they literally thought it was me who started it. They had false memories. These people can't be reasoned with. The only thing society can do with them is lock em up.

I also had a number of teachers who insulted me, and when I told them that wasn't right, they got angry and yelled at me. My brother was a lot like this too, except more extreme. Anyway, I digress.

These people are truly sick, and should be locked up. Unfortunately, school crimes are rarely considered to be crimes. Especially if it's a teacher abusing a student, in which case the student is always blamed.

I know a lot of people probably tell you this, but I think you should try to think in the present. I too felt angry about the past for years, until today, when I realized that the future and present were more important. I'm focusing on the here and now to make sure I don't lose more than I already have.

Oh BluejayBruise, your story was heartbreaking and I'm crying real tears when thinking about what you have had to experience

There must be something wonderful in you, otherwise this wouldn't have happened to you. But it's so wrong and so unfair

Why is it that people have the need to throw dirt on something beautiful, as if trying to hide it and make others think in the same sick way?!

Worst was reading how teachers sided with the abusers. It only shows that even adults can be the biggest cowards. However what is worst was that they were supposed to protect you, in fact their duty was to protect you and also do it in public!

Nobody apologising to you is a thing that makes it even harder to forget, in addition to all the lies being spread about you, you being singled out and isolated (ARGH!!!) and had I heard your story earlier, then I would have immediately reported the teachers on your behalf!

It wouldn't have been the first time, I am not afraid of speaking up for the victims. When my son was bullied in school and the teacher didn't do a thing about it, I waited to the next meeting with all parents and spoke directly to them, asked them to ask their children if they had bullied my son. I also told about another boy in the class, about how he was bullied and insulted on a daily basis as someone who is stupid and smells bad etc. etc. His parents also spoke up after that, they had talked to the teacher many times but the teacher didn't do a thing.

The bullies didn't admit it to their parents, but one girl stood up in the classroom the next day and named the bullies in front of the teacher and the teacher couldn't ignore it anymore.

After that a new rule was made: if the bully didn't stop, then they would report it to the police and the bully would be suspended from the school. That was effective since what teachers don't understand is that bullies don't have any boundaries, they go forward until they are stopped by someone who has authority - so you my friend, you were really abandoned and neglected and the freaking bullies became 'victims' the minute they were accused!

I wish that we would all teach our children to stand up for the victim. My son was quickly back to himself after the bullying stopped and he was famous of always going in between every situation and taking the victim under his wings. And there are so many children out there with broken wings

Everyone please step in everytime you witness someone being bullied, if you are adults and witness something on the playground, then go straight to the bully instead of his parents. The bullies are cowards and you don't have to do anything more than tell him to stop it and threathen to tell his parents if he doesn't. It works

Wish there was something I could do for you, BluejayBruise...

Everyone who stood by or bullied you will pay for it sooner or later. Everyone. Life is wonderful because it's so just and fair. If you can think that they will have to pay for it one day, maybe your wounds start to heal faster. You don't have to worry over it, nature takes care of these things and nobody gets away. Nobody.

Is there a possibility of you 'starting all over'? You have so much to give to the world due to your suffering, that if you could just walk away from it all and concentrate on something positive instead, then it could change your life and you could finally start to feel happy and feel good about yourself. Because you are good, always remember that!

I follow this 'rule' that Dalai Lama once said:

What you concentrate on grows bigger. So why not concentrate on something positive?

It really works, sooner or later you will find many positive things in your life. Good things just start walking in your life and all you have to do is embrace them.

Hopefully you can start to turn everything around, all the nasty things said about you - they are NOT you - nobody has the right to define you except you yourself. If they say that you are stupid, then it means that you are smart etc. You have to believe in it. It might take some time but it starts to work. Tomorrow is built on this day, so please make it the best

I feel your pain and am so damn angry that nobody stepped in and stopped it! That's a crime!

All the best to you and take care, you are not alone. All victims feel for you and care for you, you just have to find them

-- Mon Jun 18, 2012 1:27 pm --

Oh and one other thing: People with dyslexia are more intelligent than others. It's not a sign of stupidity anymore, it's a sign of intelligence

That is heartbreaking history, Bluejay. A lot of empathy here for you.
You still don't sound like a victim and also don't seem to be wallowing in selfpity.
I think you deserve real good friends. Props to you.