For Victims -- Read This Carefully

If you are a victim of bullying, then you are a Normal, Nice, Attractive Polite and Compassionate human being (you have other good qualities too, "intelligent, popular"...)

Let me introduce myselft, I am over 34 years old MAN, and I have a University degree in ... , and consider myself to be a nice and just person. I am always considerate to others, and stay like this forever.

A few years ago, I got into an unwanted trouble, with a person, I considered him to be my BEST FRIEND. And it was started by teasing, and sarcastic remarks, and other things which I hate.
I could not find any reason for these provocations and it was getting worse.
In one occasion, I confronted him, and told him exactly what was hurting my. He was laughing, then he felt offended by my complain.
Then he was threatening me.........
In short, this matter took more than a year. His entire family and relatives and brothers became hostile toword me.

From all the people involved, there were about 6 people, that is me verses 6 stupid peple, you could not negotiate and solve the matter, and it was only getting worse. And remember I was hundred percent innecent. This matter affected every aspect of my life and sanity. You ask yourself Why?

Looking for the answer, I did read almost all kind of Psychology books and web pages, even I read the DSM-IV - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Then little by little I found out what kind of evil I was dealing with.

The person you are dealing with is not normal, is not reasonable,
is not negotiable. You are bad, he is right. you have done something wrong, and he wants to get even, for example if you are a brilliant student, then this is not good for him, and you are hurting him, so he somehow wants justs, life is unfair, and you have to be punished, what was your guilt, absolutely NOTHING!.

Because their thinking is distorted, they think that negotiation, and dialogue is part of manipulation and lose of ground to the enemy, which they created in the first place.

I can go on to say good things about the nice guy, and ALL the bad about the Bully, and we know who is the aggressor and who is the victim, and who wants the end to this stupidity and who think this is an oppotunity for grandiosity.

The Solution:
1. Because you are dealing with someone who is "UnControllabe" and he thinks he mimics the evils of others, you now have control over him, By Controlling yourself. how?
Depends on the nuture of the relationship. If it is a friendship, then get rid of it right now, if Boy/GirlFriend, there is last try and boundary, I think the boss at work or wife or husband, this is different matter, and needs different thinking, in my search for answer, I found that the bully can get better but needs a lot of work and perseverance and up to [well many years] for the bully to grow, to mature, to give up destructive games and hiding behind
the mask of Napoleon

2. He is UnControllabe: the bully is hyper-alert to dangers around
him, constantly watching, for ill intention of any kind, the most important are: injury to his pride, betrayal, Manipulation. Sometimes, to me, as if the bully is programmed to look for these things in the speech and the action of others. friend or relative, or anybody. They suspect everybody is bad including themselves.
The bully thinks that, the only way to STOP somebody or to deter him not to do something or not to hurt him, is by getting even with him, doing exacly what he percieved you intentionally did to him.
It does not matter, whether you did anything wrong or ill intend, it is he who decide, and he strongly believes that punishment works for him.

There are countless therapists and books and web pages tell you "Be Assertive", and in the process tell you that you are timid (by implication), another blow to the already shaky confidence and profoundly injured self.
With some bullies, assertiveness on your part means escalation, and he thinks he was right, and he try to match you. teeth for teeth.

If the bully is wife/husband, girl/boy-friend, yes be firm, be polite and firm, with a boss, any percieved challenge to his authority means that the job is gone for good ( makes life difficult for you to leave the job).

If escape is not possible like marriage and you have a child, I personally believe this is the hardest decision. You have to become a psychologyst and try to control the bull and the boss.

Controllability is the BIG part of the solution. It goes like this
"if the bully mimics me, then I will not do anything to trigger any reaction from him" remember what hurts him most, his authority, pride.

This is not all the solution to deal with school bullies and aggressors,
but I believe the best lesson to teach an aggressor is ending the friendship/relationship and in the case of the school bully
I recommend, first step is to show the bully Contempt, and not acknoledging his existance. As if he is not there, try this for a while
lets say a month, then he reacts by some provocations to get your attention and elicit a reaction from you, because he is in pain, now he is afraid of you, he fears retaliation. If you Ignore him 100%, then it is likely he backs off. Being ignored, extremely painfull for a bully.

The "Total disdain" works wonders with bullies, but remember be very firm. As if nothing happening and as if he is Not There.

3. Do not take the hostility personally, He behaves outside of normal logic, he has three delusions and works on them,1. fear of the stronger, 2. his magnificence is in doubt because of your greatness, 3. fear of being alone and left out.

Part 2: DisEngagement

Many people, advice that, "you mirror their action", or play "Mind Games", or any kind of psychological war, but I never recommend it.
These are all losers games, and you trap yourself in their net, and in the process, you lose your initiative and freedom, you have
constantly watch your back, and lengthening the war. Manipulation and mind games are the weapons of the weak , of the bully, of insecure people,
who have doubts about their judgement towords you. People who are honest and compassionate, can not use these kind of lethal weapons.
There are many thinking behind this, most of them are reasonable. Being indirect and devious and talk with symbols almost always
brings confusion. And it is not an effective solution.


There are many dilemmas and paradoxes in life, these are facts of life, they exist. And solving a dilemma is never easy, because you are
already in a disadvantage situation. So it is just reasonable to remove yourself from the situation. Knowing your options, are very important
part, 1. Remove yourself physically, if not possible, Psychologically, how?, By Firm Silent Treatment, You do this with 110% confidence,
and there are no return from this position no matter what. You do not utter one word to any body about this person ( to anybody has contact with the bully),
because the bully thinks you are attacking their character behind their back.


The second step, inform your parents, (if you think this is embarrassing), inform a close relative or friend or a teacher. Somebody, who is calm and
reasonable and who would not allow things get out of control.

The last one, is police. And never take the law into your hands, and lose control. Nice people can not afford lose control, if they
appear to be dominated by somebody, or timid -- these are just appearance -- , I personally believe losing your independence and security
for the sake of expressing rage is not an effective long term solution.

I agree 100% withyou and now I have tears in my eyes...and a shrudder down my spine. If you recieve this mail plz reply.It would make me feel better. For the past zillion years from the day I was born i was bullied. First by my father (physically). Then my brother older than me. He continously callled me stupid. Both pysically and mently. and then for the rest of my life starting from kindergarden when for the first time a girl slapped my face and i did nothing but cry and come home, to this last semester of graduation, In just two months I will graduate and not as a weak insane person but as a strong talented young girl .Why ?
because in these last four years of my bachelors I used the silent treatment with a guy who not only made fun of me , and woudnt stop for a minute. i wondeer how he did this ..so much free time he had..and also involved his male friends to help him. But Inow from reading you mail now that I am not at fault . I was too nice and too sweet and too caring about others and nelecting my own needs. I am smart. But kind of out of tune because I do and act like myself. I can look kind of wierd to many ppl even loud. This were the main reasons of my abuse. I have tried to change my habits of being loud and free. But its hard and although the four years were a torture to me. It were wourse for him! Coz he didnt get attention. When I applied what u said about such ppl that they are afraid and dont want to loose their gradure it came out to be 100% true and not even knowing your advice my mind told me to do exactly what u suggested in your mail. He has backed off, not stopped completely. But I see the fear inhis voice and his actions sometimes and I laugh to myself seeing that although he called me silly and catchy... hehimself prooved to be the dumb one. Im fired up to get revenge..not by abusing back but beating him in all the academic presentations and all! He has in a way made me stronger than weaker. I cry sometimes for not being able to be 100% myself for the past of my life. I still am socially a little scared and reserved due to mu past but I am getting stronger coz God has fed into me never to give up.

Thank u. U are my hero ! ur mail made me know what strategy i adopted for 4 years ..completely ignoring him....was for once and ever the right path to choose.

U know you just saved my life big time l appriciate your info; i thot l was going crazy- l had all the suspicions my friend does this intentionally and when l confront the issue he alwaz made me feel like its me.l hallucinate he knows all my fears ,my most intimate feelings and lm too nice lv known this since l was a kid lm polite mayybe extra polite,this person has caused me health problems lm scared of my own shadow l look at any moving objects behind me.i have been depressed for a while and he was there for me to listen to all my problems was nice then now l feel like lm recovering he brings up all this stuff l said then works on my guilt 24/7 today l he keeps trwisting everything l say to create confusion comes to me with updates abt what my friends said l did ...l start justifying myself take back thing l wuld have said honestly, sometimes with him he keeps hinting stuff or problems that lm meant to be doing/whats wrong with my character tried the silent treatment and l did the mind games etc and maybe l played along too long now l just feel like its part of me this upsets me alot since he is the only person around for me,sometimes l just feel like lm talking to a wall l try to explain sumthing then he acts like he ddnt hear when lrepeat miself he shakes his head,when lm happy he alwaz brings up depressing subjects starts to accuse me of stuff,shouts like raise his voice, brings back arguments even from the previous day...l call him a drama king jolkingly too but its just amazing l thot he was one of a kind the thing u said abouthow bullies bring their friends to watch reaction they try to make u feel silly.l never had issues of insecurity or worry so much abt who is looking and who is not or myself or my health...stuff like that l can say sumthing and he acts like its a lie l overemphasize myself to make him get me.and when l keep trying they yawn and l try tobe considerate etc ask if lm boring then we go back to the start its worse than dealing with a kid l keep receipts and everything l know the best thing for me is to leave this friendship but he is all l have l have lost my friends each 1 by one over stuff like that and l never get to fiond out what l did wrong and yes l tried to mend those relationships but somehow its as if the pple who are alwaz connected to him prefer we stayed enemies they treat and talk to me differentits amazing its like he is so bored with his life he'd rather come and stir me up to get sumthing to talk abt with his friens then he says lm imagining stuff... !l have exhausted all options and l dont want to be by miself...l was overwhelmed so much by your advise and experience...l culd keep going on and on...