The sucky thing about being bullied

I've been seeing a therapist who wanted to know about my past and I spent a few moments of last Saturday fantasizing about murdering some people in middle school, lol. Anyways, the real sh*tty catch to it all was that if I was bullied and retaliated, it was like asking it all to go on and on and on. If I upped the stakes by striking harder at the person who un-provokingly f*cked with me, then they would raise it up a notch too. I damned myself to the passive "just let 'em do what he has to do, if you don't protest much, he'll get bored and move on." Now I really fantasize about being in school and just killing these kids. I went on with my teen life feeling worthless, like I didn't stand up for myself, I was weak, I was a coward -- and even as an adult, I have lots of social anxiety, little hope of people really valuing anything I have to say, lack of self-confidence.

I wish I had another choice or chance. I had a fantasy of going to school and just beating this one kid in the head with a hammer while he wasn't looking. I imagine that would feel wonderful. Ah, that is the sad philosophy of hell -- if you're hurting and you focus on hurting someone else worse then you'll feel better. This is all kind of retarded. I don't know why I'm being attacked by feelings of stuff that went on over 15 years ago. A few years after it all happened, I didn't really think of it that much. I guess I was happy it was over.

Are there any stories of bullies who regretted doing the bullying? What were all the reasons behind it?

I know one kid that would mess with me -- his father died while he was in 10th grade. The rumor was he was smoking crack and inhaled the rock or pipe or something related to drug use that killed him. So I guess his home life wasn't all that great. Way to go taking it out on me... I'm sorry to say, but it would be my heaven to see you in hell. I don't know how to let go of my resentments without the help of drugs. Here's a picture of my school photos throughout the years. Notice the smile goes away?



I didn't do too well in school, but I got a 3.64GPA in college. I guess I did better when people weren't f*ck'n with me all the time.

"The healthy man does not torture others - generally it is the tortured who turn into torturers."
Carl Jung

you looked so cute!! sorry had to say it
For some reason, the darth vader thing in the middle makes it look very morbid
But I know the feeling. I never thought of actually murdering the people that bullied me, but one I hit one of the girls that bullied me really hard so her ear went purple and started bleeding. And then they called me a "monster".
The sad thing is that hateful feelings only work against you, I have learned. It's ok to have these feelings, accept them but do not let them "act out" by giving you thoughts of murder.
I wanted to say "do not let your feelings take over you" but its such a cliche that you will maybe overlook what I tried to say.
anyway,remember the best revenge is being happy

Thanks. I think my mind was just overemphasizing the past to shelter me from my own lack of tending to my responsibilities of late. It's an immature route of hating and resenting the past so I don't have to be responsible for myself and getting on with my own life.

I can completely relate to this. I'm often filled with anger, for no reason. íts been six years and I still can't get over it and getting on with my life. People act like its easy, but they don't know how it feels. Anyway, how are you doing now?