Dealing with past bullying

Hey guys. Sorry in advance for the long post, but...I need to unburden myself really. I've been meaning to deal with this issue for a long while. To start off with, I have AS, but have prided myself on being more self-confident and able to deal with most challenges. However, about 12 years ago, it was a different story.

To keep in brief, when I was seven, I went to a state-run primary school. I was a bit of a loner and only had one friend who turned against me in the end. I don't remember much about my time there (I've tried to forget most of what happened), but I can't remember being really happy there.
On to the bullying. At the start, it was mainly, as I perceive it now, being left out of most things by everyone else. I was teased a bit and tried to ignore it, but back then, I was more naive and didn't realise that people were really making fun of me. I felt weak, helpless. It wore me down constantly and I used to try and make myself sick to avoid school. Mainly, I imagine it was because I was different from everyone else. The most physical it got was people pushing me away from them and telling me to go away.
Then one day, looking out of the fence, some bigger boys came up behind me. Eventually, one of them grabbed both my legs and hoisted them up with me clinging for dear life to the fence. I remember shouting for him to put me down. Instead he just let go. There was an old wooden board lining the bottom of the fence and when he let go, my legs smacked against the wood hard. Then the boy did it again. I don't remember what happened next, but apparently the boy dragged me away from the fence, had two others hold me down (including my one friend) and began punching me and stamping on me. In fact, some people watching had to drag him away from me to stop him. That's how bad it was.I remember looking at my legs afterwards and counting 10-12 bruises altogether.

My mum and sister (who was two years above me) tried to help sort myself out. The situation was not helped by the headmaster who, in a word, was useless. He made little effort to stop the bullying, before or afterwards and my mum nearly had a nervous breakdown from confronting him all the time. At one point he indirectly blamed me for being alone all the time. That was enough for mum and I was taken out at the earliest possible moment. I've always been thankful to mum and big sis for helping me out during that time.
Since then, I've been relatively free from bullying due to great support (my AS issues meant I had trouble telling banter from teasing) and I've strived to do my best with everything I come across. However, I often look back on my memories of being bullied in retrospect. Thinking about those days doesn't affect me now because I'm mostly over it, I don't feel angry or depressed because I've decided not to look back on that time. I suppose, if the chance was there, I would like to ask my bully; why did you do all that? To the headmaster, I'd ask; why didn't you do anything to stop it?

So there it is. Again, sorry for the long post but I feel I need to explain myself.

Hi, DJM19! You were bullied and assaulted horribly, I'm sorry you went through that. I can't even imagine why that principle didn't do anything about it, it's pathetic.
The bully probably had a lot of violence inside of him and no desire for self control. It's awful that this happens to kids, I'm glad you're pretty much over it now.

Thanks for your reply. I never thought about it at the time, but I agree. The bully may have had something wrong with his way of dealing with his personal problems and felt that he had to bully me to make himself feel better.
You're right, the Head wasn't fit to be in that position. Actually, he left just after I did and is apparently in France somewhere, retired. I don't think I'll ever understand why I was bullied or why he didn't stop it.

I am pretty much over it, although it does bug me from time to time and I get slightly depressed until I remember how far I've come since then. So, it's all good for now!

I bet you've come really far and you're much better off that they are. Some things just aren't for good people to understand, I guess...

I believe I have come really far since then, only through generous support from others over the years. I only wish I understood why, just to really settle the matter. I can never really shrug off the remaining memories I have of that time and I probably never will, even if I know why.

I forgot to mention that, after I left the school, I spent a while coming to terms with what had happened and trying to adjust to new surroundings. I felt low at times because it still felt fresh and I kidded myself that I missed my old school. I met my old friend from time to time (I think he truly regretted what part he played and we forgave each other), but haven't seen him in years. I also used to make myself sick to avoid school and the bullies and even sometimes blamed myself for what happened. I even prayed to God to make it stop by taking me away 'to heaven' (Suicide, thankfully, never occurred to me at such a young age although it crossed my mind after I left. That's over as well.)

Now older and a little wiser, I don't regret leaving that place. I'm grateful for your support, jasmin. I will continue to move on with my life for the better.

Bully: My father has hit me very hard that day. It was a big mess in my head. When I saw a boy walking alone, the one I knew had no friends to protect him, I just snapped. My friends always support me and I guess they were very bored and liked some action. It went red before my eyes and I told my friends "lets get him". When we were done molesting the boy I did not feel better. Instead, I felt worse. My friends looked a bit uneasy, they did not know what was happening at my home, and they did not knew me this way. There was one thing to be glad about: now I was not the only one with bruises.

Head of school: It was such a busy day. My wife just left me and that time, I hated my job. People thought I was ignorant and careless and were suspecting that it would not take long untill I had to quit, but I tried my best to survive doing all the work. Then, a women came into my office. She asked why it was possible that her son was severely bruised by others guys at school. I just felt indifferent, I could only think about my own problems. I just told her that her son should get more friends. Today, it still crosses my mind once in a while, and I feel I have not done my best. Yet, I can not change the past.

Well, of course its just some #######4, because the only way you will know it is sending the head of the school a letter or try to contact the bullies on facebook.
I am glad you have such a loving mother and sister, and that it turned out well for you and you werent bullied anymore.

I'm sorry to hear what happened, Unimportant. I can only imagine how you feel now, looking back on all that. Thank for your support though. I'm glad for my mother and sister too. Dad should also get credit for helping out and supporting me even though he was away at work most of the time.

Unimportant wrote:Today, it still crosses my mind once in a while, and I feel I have not done my best. Yet, I can not change the past.

I feel the same way, really. I sometimes wonder if I could have done more to stop it, which is unlikely.

I doubt I'd get much of a reply for the Head (even if I knew where he was). As for contacting the bullies...I don't know. I don't who or where they are. It's strange. Part of me has always wanted an answer and yet, sometimes, the reason never mattered. All I know is that I was bullied because I was different in some way.
I'll look into it though, see what I can find to start with. It probably won't be hard until I decide to do something about it.

Lol, I think you didnt understand? It wasnt real, you were writing that you really wanted to know what the bully and head were thinking, so I made up a story of what I thought they were thinking.

But why do you think it matters if you get an answer from the bullies? Do you want to know what was "wrong" with you? Or why they did it? I'll suggest looking up reasons psychiatrists give for bullying behavior, but I guess you've already done this. And stop blaming yourself - even if it was your fault according to the bullies, why do you care about the opinion of such weird people?
Good luck in leaving it behind.

Yeah, sorry Unimportant. Sometimes, I take things literally (AS kicking in). It sounds about right, to be honest. I wouldn't be surprised if it was true. Thanks for the thought, though.
You're right, I shouldn't blame myself, but I did after it happened, partly from the head of school who made it sound like it was. I've seen others getting bullied (and helped stop it most of the time because I care). Now I know it wasn't and maybe it doesn't really matter what they thought. I just want to know what drove them to do it. Still, it's in the past now and I'm moving with life.

The head of the school was basically a bully too, just older. No kid deserves that. You know, sometimes I'd like to understand why some people who hurt me did it too, but maybe we wouldn't like what they have to say.