EzioAuditoreluver wrote:Please don't make fun of me or anything this is my first time ever being on a site like this because the other sites I use wont understand me. I just need someone to talk to, or just to have someone listen to what I have to say.
My name is Meghan and I have been bullied and cyber bullied. It all started in middle school. I went to one school first and made no friends at all, well except with the guidance counselor but that's about it. When I went to that school, this one boy would constantly tease me and actually threaten to beat me up after school by the dumpster. Because of that and the fact that I wasn't able to make friends I withdrew from that school and went on to a different one where my friends from grade school went to. It was great at first, my elementary friends introduced me to people and I quickly befriended them. Everything was going great! Until one of my closest friends, one of the two from elementary school, withdrew from the school I was currently attended so that sucked. I didn't think much of it since I would be able to see her again and the added benefit to all the new friends I had. My memory is still pretty fuzzy, but after a couple weeks when that happened, the other friend from elementary school and I were becoming more and more closer together. Her mothers work made it hard for her to be home sometimes so the friend would come over to my house a lot and spend the night (even on weekdays). One day at school, while we were in the same class together, she kept ignoring me for some odd reason. When we had a sudden fire drill I thought it was the perfect chance to talk to her and ask why she wasn't talking to me. I kept asking and asking until finally I said,"You know, I've done a lot for you and my family has even let you come over while your mom was busy with work" she responded with,"What are you talking about? I don't remember that at all" I stood there frozen. When it was time for lunch I sat where I normally did with her and my new friends. I was starting up conversations but everyone was ignoring me. I finally had it so I went to the bathroom to eat since they kept giving me dirty looks and saying crap about me when I was right there. Right when it was time to leave for the next class I gathered up my things and started heading out of the bathroom when everyone suddenly came in and surrounded me like some sort of western movie. A couple of them were standing watch to make sure teachers wouldn't come in. They literally started beating me up with words and pain. I had no idea why they were doing this and I couldn't fight back because I was weak,naive, shy, and also a pacifist. I couldn't just scream for help like a cliched damsel in distress would do since I didn't want them to get in trouble. Instead I just took it. All the pain, fear, humiliation, self loathing, everything I felt that day still haunts me to this day. Do I know why this "friend" of mine did this to me? Of course not. I don't believe I will ever know. Even if I did it wouldn't change a thing.Not a single bit. She treated me like garbage and made sure my middle school life was a living hell. You know what? She won. After what she did I developed an eating disorder, manic depression, anxiety, paranoia, insomnia, etc. I left that school and was homeschooled for 8th grade. That was the only solution at the time.. Running away was the only way out.
Anyway, in 9th grade I went to a charter school. Still had all my problems, therapy didn't help at all. This charter school consisted of at least 50 students and about 5 teachers. I made friends there since it wasn't that hard. My older sister went there as well which I both hated and liked having her there. The like part was that she could protect me from bullys and the hate part was that she is more attractive and more popular then me (still think that). My self loathing and my newfound inferiority complex grew everytime I would see my sister with a boyfriend. Never had a boyfriend ever in my enitre life. I keep saying to myself that whats the point but a part of me really wanted one. Would wouldnt want someone to comfort you, tell you your pretty, care for you, and just be there? I digress. Anyway, during my time at the school I had noticed that very few girl went there so I actually thought I had a chance to date someone. I had a huge crush on this one guy. We had a lot in common and hung out a lot. I was utterly heartbroken when he said he enjoyed having me as a best friend and that I was like the sister he never had. That killed me but I wasnt going to just give up on the whole bf thing. Finally I met another guy that I was good friends with until that day I was about to ask him out. He interrupted me and asked if my sister would be interested in dating him. Wow.. Now that was like a punch in the chest. After that I totally gave up on the boyfriend thing. Rejection hurts like hell. It was finally a success though. I finished the 9th grade without getting bullied. I felt so accomplished and was ready for the next semester at that dream come true school. Unfortunately, someone up there isn't very fond of me and that school was shut down. I was forced to go to public school again. I knew it was over for me. I just felt like an empty shell of a person.
I was too afraid to make friends. No way was I going to have another instance of where I was severely bullied. My first day of school there I was heading to my Chinese class where I bumped into a friend I knew from elementary that I haven't seen in forever. I found the class and saw that the friend was in there too. I was lost so I went up to the teacher and asked if this was the right class. Then suddenly, an angelic voice in the form of my best friend in the world told me that she liked my satchel. I was elated! Someone would wasn't picking on me for once liked something of mine! I knew it was fate until those doors were closed in on me in the form of the elementary school friend I bumped into earlier. She told me that the girl that was being nice to me was bad news. As ludicrous as that was, I believed her and as the weeks would pass so would my chance at friendship. One day in Chinese class, the girl noticed that I was alone and offered me to talk to her and her friend. I was hesitant at first but we were only watching a movie so I thought it was a perfect chance to ask her why my friend didn't like her. I ended up not saying anything about that and just enjoyed the fact that there was someone at that school that had the same interests as me. We became friends after a while and I really didn't care what the other person had to say about it. Its not like she hung out with me a lot anyway. After that, becoming friends with people was a cake walk from there. My insecurities slowly dissipated and I was starting to come out of my shell a bit more. After a few months though, I was bullied and harassed a lot by this one kid that used to pick on my daily in grade school. It bothered me but not that much even though it got progressively worse. Especially in my history class. My teacher wasn't very assertive and let her students get away with murder. One day I had enough and finally narked on a guy for throwing paper balls at the back of her head. I didn't care at the time what other people would say about me until the next day where all the guys in that class started cussing at me, calling me names, and flat out just hating on me just because I wanted to do the right thing.
Skipping ahead to 11th grade, I had a graphic design class that I enjoyed. I had no friends in there at all until I started talking to this one girl and we quickly hit it off. Had a lot in common. I introduced her to my best friend. That was a mistake.. First thing I'd prevent if I had a time machine. The three of us were good friends. I actually had a group of friends and it made me feel important.
Again, had to quit that school because of bullying AGAIN! The most ironic thing of me leaving at the time that I did, people that killed themselves because of bullying were all over the news and that urged people to make all of those PSA's about how bullying is bad. *sigh*..... REALLY?!?! ARE YOU SERIOUS?!! THEY HAD TO DO THAT RIGHT AFTER I WAS CHASED OUT OF THREE DIFFERENT SCHOOLS BECAUSE OF BULLYING BUT WHEN PEOPLE START DYING THATS WHEN ITS A GOOD IDEA TO DO SOMETHING?!? Who do they think they are?! If anything I believe that that made it ten times worse! (I'm not complaining btw, I found it to be very depressing that being bullied made people do that)
That evil person that basically destroyed me in middle school still haunts me. I love Japanese anime and manga so I go to conventions. I went to one a few years back with my best friend and I saw her there. At a con. I didn't feel safe within my own passion. When I knew it was her I literally froze in fear. I ran outside and started bawling. I don't remember the last time I cried like that. Thankfully my friend comforted me and I felt at ease again. She would say that if she saw her again she would beat her up. I told her that it wouldn't solve anything and would probably be kicked out if she did that.
Still being cyber bullied and stabbed in the back by former high school friends. Heh one of them is friends with the girl from middle school.
At least I'm in college now and way before everyone else that I knew too lol.
Well anyway that's my story of how being bullied took over my life and is still finding its way into my inner thoughts. I doubt most of you read this, again I had a lot to say. I don't have a lot of friends left to talk to people and due to my paranoia I feel like everyone is out to get me or if people think I'm annoying. If you read all of this thank you so much and if you just skimmed it I also thank you. Please don't leave nasty comments or anything.
Reading your story breaks my heart. I know only too well how sadistic bullies ruin lives after my own experiences. Although I wasn't bullied at school, I have been bullied as an adult by journalists from the Wall Street Journal and the Australian Broadcasting Corporation after they plagiarised some of my posts about economics in the Wall Street Journal chat room. You see, journalists stole my work and upon realising, I contacted an Intellectual Property Rights Lawyer I know to find out my rights vis a vis any further posts I may make (If they wanted my work they could pay for it). The offenders took this as my looking to take legal action against them, and I promptly found I was being hacked, my phone bugged, I was slandered, chased through the streets by PI's and I believe they may have even planted a camera in my house. I have witnesses to all of this. My television was being played with and I would get warnings about 'not messing with journalists'. Because they were listening to me and I was completely unaware at the time, I was confiding my deepest feelings to my best friend who I lived with. They used that information to try to destroy me by making daily segments about it always with a negative slant on where I was coming from. When I descended in to a deep depression from the constant harrassment and talked about suicide, at the end of a show I used to watch called Lateline, the 2 sociopathic hosts, Tony Jones and Ali Moore would put up death notices repeatedly (I've now learnt they can triangulate your location and broadcast specifically to one location). The Leveson inquiry in the UK has calmed things down a bit, but the repercussions still reverberate with me after 4 years of it (this started in 2008 when the economic crisis broke). I no longer feel safe watching TV and don't feel at all comfortable to talk freely even within my own home. Those sick b*stards not only made me suicidally depressed, they ruined my Masters degree by locking me out of my uni account and caused me such deep depression I couldn't continue any longer.
I understand exactly where you are coming from and know the pain and fear it causes. Although this is only a small comfort, at least your home was sacred - I didn't get that luxury. Those evil bastards would have happily seen me top myself rather than be exposed as the rip-off merchants they are.
I think cognitive behavioural therapy might really help you; it helped me. In brief, if you can imagine your brain as a tape recorder - it puts out what you put in - so if you rewrite the script, telling yourself you are worthy, you love yourself etc., regardless of whether you believe it or not (a very important point), repeated as a mantra, you will slowly start believing what you're telling yourself. I'm not suggesting this will happen overnight; it's a slow process - but by repeating positive, self-affirming statements over and over again, every spare minute you have, I promise you over time you will notice a change in your self-esteem and you will be better able to shield yourself from any adversity. As a previous poster said, 'Bullies look for prey'. When you are stronger within yourself you will find you no longer become a target and people will treat you with the respect you deserve. You strike me as an extremely sweet, sensitive soul making you, to me at least, one of the more worthy inhabitants of this forked up planet!
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