I feel real hate!

I can't tell how I feel about my mother. I think I hate her. She seems so stupid sometimes that I don't know what to do. I swear she is extremely irresponsible. I don't even know what to say. I just feel very angry and confused and scared. I hate to say that I feel scared, but it's in there. I think shes the type of person who feels alot but doesn't talk alot. I know that no one is perfect, I just don't think she has very much sense. I understand that she had a stroke, but I have seen where it has effected her and it did't remove anything that had to do with common sense or fortitude. She seems pretty much the same as she was before. When we were growing up, it seemed like life was just hell with our family. Children left to do what fathers and mothers are supposed to do, raise one another. I remember being left under the control of my brother seemingly every night. And each night was just as bad as the next. He would attack me out of the blue and then sit on me and hold my arms, pinned above my head until somebody got him off of me. And I could never do anything about it. I would kick and buck and scream till I did't have anymore energy. No matter how much I struggled I could not get him off of me. It made me feel sooo BAD. I was helpless, sad, crazy, mad, angry, frustrated, hopeless, weak...without an answer. Just emotional! I feel so weak! Oh my God! I'm helpless and whatever hope I establish is going to go away. It just makes me feel like I'm helpless. I don't know where to go with any of this stuff. It just feels like soo overwhelming. Like a traap for all the thoughts that involve any sort of improvement or permanent change of heart or mind. I really want to be a different person. Someone who can articulate things other than his own soppy emotions. I wrote about this because it still sits with me. I think it would be considered as being bullied. when I think about it I just get really angry really fast and then I have an emotional crash (get real depressed and feel helpless and sad). So I think I hate my brother too. How do I work through things that are so painful that can't even look at them in a clear way? I need 2 get to the place where I can deal and keep moving. I have things that I want to accomplish, but it seems like I spend soo much time feeling emotional that and (too afraid to) that nothing gets done.; I'm soo emotional. any response would be welcomed

I'm so sorry to hear that that has happened to you. What he did was terrible. I know how devastating it is when someone is pinning you and enjoying watch you struggle until you run out of energy. It is one of the most awful things. I'm not surprised you have so much hate in you...

Experiences we've had in childhood stay with us into adulthood and effect our moods. It is because when you are a child, you cannot deal with and process the emotions caused by the abuse you have experienced. It sits with you until have the skills and guidance to work through the trauma of what has happened.

Do you have a therapist at the moment? It may help you...

I do, though I don't know if he would like me to work on that. He says that I am ready to move to the accomplishment stage (self-named), but I have not tried to talk to him about this thing. So he may be okay with working on it. Its one of those things that I fear could cause me to have some sort of psychotic break. I could be wrong and or have the wrong impression of the way things work so that may not even be possible. I'm just pretty scared of it. I will bring that up when I see him this weekend salted lipstick. You ever tasted salted lipstick? Is that a metaphor for tears?

Sorry for the late reply... Yes it's a metaphor for tears...

Did you end up bringing this up with your therapist? I think it is important that you do...

I will bring it up tommorow. I forgot the last time. Thanks for the reminder. Does the metaphor mean that you cry alot? Thats always a good way to release. thats a cool little avatar. The colors are nice.

That's good that you will bring it up tomorrow. I hope you manage to get through talking about it ok...

I cry occasionally and I generally feel that I am "putting on a face" to face the world by not showing my sadness (hence the lipstick part of my username...). I''m glad you like my avatar, I thought it was pretty cool too.

I hope tomorrow goes ok, with your therapist. I hope to hear that talking about it with him helps you...

Well it went okay. I told him and he sid that he used to do the same thing to his cousin. A dose of reality for me I guess. I'm no the only one. It is something I've seen on TV also. So it must be more common than I am aware. NOt that that makes it any better. It just made me angry when he said that. A person fighting for control of things... Scary to think about it that way. Why would a person need control lke that? I don't know. maybe they didn't feel as though they had any and the weaker person (or smaller) seemed like a good target. Wresting control from the world. I guess in a way it provided a little bit of relief though, that it might be something that many others can relate to. Especially little brothers. So I'm grateful for that.

I didn't get that lipstick part of it is like a mask. I guess that would mean that you have a pretty good idea of who you are. I always find that attractive in a person. Maybe not attractive, but a way that I would like to be. Does your avatar mean that you like anime?

It's really good that you had the confidence to talk to him about it. I'm kind of surprised that his response was so personally revealing. I think I would have found that a little off-putting personally. But it's good that talking about it has helped you see that you are not alone with your experiences and that you feel some relief from realising that...

majorbakor wrote:I didn't get that lipstick part of it is like a mask. I guess that would mean that you have a pretty good idea of who you are. I always find that attractive in a person.

Yeah I suppose in a way I do have a pretty good idea of who I am... A lot of people find that attractive in me and want that quality themselves too... I think you will eventually find that in yourself too...

majorbakor wrote:Does your avatar mean that you like anime?

Umm I don't really know that much about anime to be honest... I picked the avatar because that's how I feel inside a lot of the time, despite the image I project in everyday life. As I've had that avatar for a while, I have gradually come to realise that it also represents the type of abuse I experienced (in a subtle way) as well as representing how I have reacted to that.... That is probably a large part of why I was unconsciously attracted to the image in the first place...

Yeah it was off putting. I was expecting and maybe hoping for sympathy. I'm glad, in a way that I did'nt get what I expected. Maybe I want sypmathy for my sufferings too often. I mean I usually want solutions, though I also expect things to fall into place in a natural way. So I am somewhat conflicted about that. I think that if a person has worked things out within themselves that things will fall into place. Much of the time I suspect that that would require acceptance. Though I don't think that we are meant to accept all thigs at once, so things takes time. And some things age gives us so that takes time also. And when I brought it up I felt like I was whining, but I did it any way, so it is done.

I hope to have a good idea of who I am also. I feel like I am just now discovering who I am, like I have never been inthis position before. I have been a support for other people, now I get to be a support to myself and that is a pleasing position to be in. And I think that we are drawn to things based on our disposition, our understanding of ourselves so far. Thats one thing I appreciate about the way the world works. Do you have a disorder and do youhave to have one to be a moderator?

Maybe you were hoping for sympathy because you feel that other people don't acknowledge your feelings very often? I don't think wanting sympathy is necessarily a bad thing... I think it shows that you have a desire deep down for people to connect with how you feel, I think that is a healthy desire...

I'd agree with you that acceptance can take time. I don't think you were whining at all about what you went through. Why do you feel as if you were whining? Maybe again you are not used to people listening to you? Sometimes I feel that way too...

It is good that you feel like you are starting to discover who you are... It is a really good feeling isn't it? I think it is...

majorbakor wrote:I think that we are drawn to things based on our disposition, our understanding of ourselves so far.

Wow, that is soooooo true...

majorbakor wrote:Do you have a disorder and do youhave to have one to be a moderator?

Yes I have Dissociative Identity Disorder caused by severe childhood abuse... I don't think you have to have a disorder to be a moderator but you do have to have been using the forum for a long time and made a lot of posts. I think people without some sort of disorder or abusive experience probably wouldn't have enough lasting interest stay on the site and post for long enough to be considered to moderate...