What To Do If Your Child Gets Bullied

I've come across this article by Michelle Borba and thought that it could be eventually helpful to parent's of bullied children... being a a victim of this myself I wish my parents knew more about it.


1. Listen and gather facts. The first step is often the hardest for parents: listen to your child’s whole story without interrupting. Your goal is to try to figure out what happened, who was involved, where and when the teasing took place, and why your child was teased. Unfortunately, teasing is a part of growing up, but some kids seem to get more than their fair share of insults. If your child appears to be in no immediate danger, keep listening to find out how she reacts to the bullying. By knowing what reaction didn’t stop the bully, you can offer your child a more effective option.

2. Teach a bully-proofing strategy. What may work with one child may not with another, so it’s best to discuss a range of options and then choose the one or two your child feels most comfortable with. Here are six of the most successful strategies to help kids defend themselves:
o Assert yourself. Teach your child to face the bully by standing tall and using a strong voice. Your child should name the bullying behavior and tell the aggressor to stop: "That’s teasing. Stop it." or "Stop making fun of me. It’s mean."


Question the response. Ann Bishop, who teaches violence prevention curriculums, tells her students to respond to an insult with a non-defensive question: "Why would you say that?" or "Why would you want to tell me I am dumb (or fat) and hurt my feelings?"

Use "I want." Communication experts suggest teaching your child to address the bully beginning with "I want" and say firmly what he wants changed: "I want you to leave me along." or "I want you to stop teasing me."

Agree with the teaser. Consider helping your child create a statement agreeing with her teaser. Teaser: "You’re dumb." Child: "Yeah, but I’m good at it." or Teaser: "Hey, four eyes." Child: "You’re right, my eyesight is poor."

Ignore it. Bullies love it when their teasing upsets their victims, so help your child find a way to not let his tormentor get to him. A group of fifth graders told me ways they ignore their teasers: "Pretend they’re invisible," "Walk away without looking at them," "Quickly look at something else and laugh," and "Look completely uninterested."

Make Fun of the Teasing. Fred Frankel, author of Good Friends Are Hard to Find suggests victims answer every tease with a reply, but not tease back. The teasing often stops, Frankel says, because the child lets the tormentor know he’s not going to let the teasing get to him (even if it does). Suppose the teaser says, "You’re stupid." The child says a rehearsed comeback such as: "Really?" Other comebacks could be: "So?," "You don’t say," "And your point is?," or "Thanks for telling me."

3. Rehearse the strategy with your child. Once you choose a technique, rehearse it together so your child is comfortable trying it. The trick is for your child to deliver it assuredly to the bully--and that takes practice. Explain that though he has the right to feel angry, it’s not okay to let it get out of control. Besides, anger just fuels the bully. Try teaching your child the CALM approach to defueling the tormentor.

C - Cool down. When you confront the bully, stay calm and always in control. Don’t let him think he’s getting to you. If you need to calm down, count to twenty slowly inside your head or say to yourself, "Chill out!" And most importantly: tell your child to always get help whenever there is a chance she might be injured.
A - Assert yourself. Try the strategy with the bully just like you practiced.
L - Look at the teaser straight in the eye. Appear confident, hold your head high and stand tall.
M - Mean it! Use a firm, strong voice. Say what you feel, but don’t be insulting, threaten or tease back.

Final Thoughts
Like it or not, most kids are bound to encounter children who are deliberately mean. By teaching kids effective ways to respond to verbal abuse, we can reduce their chances of being victims as well as helping them learn how to cope more successfully with future adversities. Of course, no child should ever have to deal with ongoing teasing, meanness and harassment. It’s up to adults and kids alike to take an active stand against bullying and stress that cruelty is always unacceptable.


Common Mistakes Parents Make About Bullying
1. Not taking children’s bullying complaints seriously--your child could be hurt. If there’s ever the possibility of injury do step in.
2. Telling the child: "Just tell him to stop." Bullies rarely just go away; kids need to learn ways to deal with them to stop their abuse.
3. Advising kids to hit back. Aggression amongst kids can escalate quickly over very minor issues, and too many kids at every grade level are carrying weapons.


Link to article: http://www.parentingbookmark.com/pages/articleMB03.htm

or maybe a better strategy would be for you and your child to learn why people tease? that takes the focus off your teased child and puts the focus where it should be - the teaser.

teasing is all about the teaser not the teased.

reasons why a child may tease others - their parents do it to them or do it to others (learning by example), the child feels insecure because their parents teach them to feel insecure, the child wants to fit in and the ONLY WAY THEY KNOW HOW to fit in is to tease others (that means they have a hard time learning to socialize), their parents or somebody abuses them so they turn around and do that to others as a way of taking control of their uncontrollable situation, etc.

you can't defend yourself if you don't know what you're defending yourself against. if you understand why people tease then you can better defend yourself against that.

chucky once posted - cruelty is self hatred projected onto others.

i would suspect when a child is abused or grows up in a dysfunctional environment they may feel self hatred?

Great point hsieh.

another thing to look at is that people who tease have no sense of "boundaries". adults and parents who don't have boundaries teach this behavior of no boundaries to their kids.

teasing is also very manipulative. parents and adults who are very manipulative teach this behavior to their kids.

Again another great point, if you have anymore keep them coming.

i recently saw the movie Towelhead. i think it ties into this thread because of it's point. my interpretation of the movie at least is of a child surrounded by sick, dysfunctional adults and these sick, dysfunctional adults are projecting their sickness and dysfunction onto this child.

another aspect of bullying or teasing is the teaser projecting themselves onto the teased.

Theres always the chance that your kid is just the one kid in the class that everyone hates. Theres always one, even in adults... theres always that one person everyone dislikes.

but why do they dislike them? if you dislike somebody isn't it because you choose to dislike them?
why do you choose to dislike somebody?

on the other hand why do you choose to like somebody?

hsieh wrote:but why do they dislike them? if you dislike somebody isn't it because you choose to dislike them?
why do you choose to dislike somebody?

on the other hand why do you choose to like somebody?

Chemical attractions in the brain. Some peoples aroma.. for lack of a better word, compells you to like them, thus charismatic people.. other people just radiate things that annoy you, or you dislike. Different personalitys often clash, and some just get along perfectly, little of it is actually your choice, you just like people or you do not.

if you dislike somebody isn't it because you choose to dislike them?
why do you choose to dislike somebody?.i recently saw the movie Towelhead. i think it ties into this thread because of it's point. my interpretation of the movie at least is of a child surrounded by sick, dysfunctional adults and these sick, dysfunctional adults are projecting their sickness and dysfunction onto this child.