Long term effects due to sibling bullying?

I suffer from low self esteem. Now I have been trying to figure out the root causes. Im not gonna sot here feeling sorry for myself, but I was wondering, did I suffer from sibling bullying (emotional/mental, not physical)? My brother was constantly putting me down (especially when we were young adults) , calling me ugly fat, stupid and other mean things. One time in the car with my parents, he berated me to tears because I accidentally used his toothpaste. My parents did not step in until I completely broke down. He berated me with one of his friends in front of other people. When I started dating my husband, my brother called him ugly.

I feel like no one understands. We travelled for my brothers wedding. Being near him causes me to feel anxious and depressed, especially when he is the center of attention. My husband says to ignore it and my parents think I am being bitter. My husband feels sorry that I feel that way, but he thinks the situation was always normal sibling rivalry. I feel like no one understands, I am told to brush it off and move on. I feel crawling out of my own skin. This doesnt feel like a normal sibling rivalry. Thoughts?

I really think people can only have true empathy for abused people if they have been the subject of abuse themselves. Otherwise it is "suck it up buttercup" etc. Those people have no idea how for some people it can be incredibly undermining and for others make them much meaner and selfish than they would have ordinarily become.

If your parents were to say they understand then they would have to address the "why did we not do something" which at the time was beyond their tool set. My grandparents kept sending my brother and I back to face horrendous abuse simply because when my mother promised them not to do it again, they had their excuse not to go further and try and get custody. Your parents may love you and be good people faced with a problem they could not answer (your brother). He though is an as#$%le and you should minimise contact with him and when you see him just wait for the barbs he will throw out. When he does it just ticks the A@#Hole box again.

If that feels unjust, life has a way of balancing stuff out.

I wonder if your family had an unhealthy, toxic dynamic?

One thing to bear in mind is that your brother was a child when this bullying behaviour started. It was your parents' responsibility to ensure you were (both) growing up in a healthy environment, which it seems they did not do.

This is just my opinion, but I don't believe there is such as a thing as "normal sibling rivalry". IMO, sibling rivalry is usually caused by something, such as parents (or another caregiver) pitting children against each other, forcing comparisons between them ("why can't you be more like your brother?" etc.), treating one child more favourably (such as a Golden Child / Scapegoat scenario).

Reading between the lines of your comment, it seems to me that the thing upsetting you at the moment is the fact that the bad behaviour towards you is not being acknowledged by those closest to you. You feel that this has had a major impact on your life / self-esteem etc. yet the people around you are trivialising what you went through, which is at odds with how it made you feel, creating dissonance.

I'm not going to comment specifically on what you should do, as I'm sure there are people better qualified than I am to give such advice. However, I'm interested in why your brother being the centre of attention affects you so much (just curious)?

I am sorry to hear about the bullying . Your brother’s put downs are mean and it does not sound normal.