Stopping people trying to socially dominate/humiliate you

So many times whenever I hang out/meet with people in social situations, whether its in groups, or just 1-1, or at work, I always end up being dominated/humiliated in the conversation/interaction.

People say hurtful things or jokes that make me look stupid or weak, and this has led me to having a complex where when I am with people, I am sweating with anxiety, whether they are about to say something hurtful or humiliating or turn on me. I have this innate characteristic not to answer back because I am left stunned, not knowing what to say, and also because in high school I programmed myself not to say anything back or else it will make them angry and they will get more personal.

What are the best general tips in dealing with people? So that you don't come off as the weaker party or lead the other person to believe that you are a pushover.

For bonus tips, what are the best general tips to not let someone get to the point of feeling comfortable/bold enough to act this way with you?

I'm still learning, but I've discovered a few things that help.

1. Stop being nice. This doesn't mean you have to be horrible. Be very sparing with smiles. Be comfortable with silence. Be "to the point". Think: boundaries. You'd be surprised how easily this can unnerve bullies.

2. Know that you can cut people out of your life. Some people are just better avoided if at all possible. You can block their calls, texts, emails and so on. You can stop speaking to people, even if you have to see them.

3. In the workplace, take down notes of any bullying incident, with times and so on. This could be very useful to you at some point. Also, imagine this: you send a group email to all your colleagues, plus a manager perhaps, or some kind of authority in the workplace. In the email you say that, without naming names, some people's behaviour is disruptive and it's making it harder to get work done. You could say it may be fun for them or whatever, but could they think about what they're doing because people are trying to work.

That would rattle the crap out of the bullies. Maybe it's not the right thing to do in your case, maybe it is, I don't know. Maybe you can do something along these lines that would help.

4. A weird tip which may work. Do you have any habits you'd like to give up? Like smoking or something? Try giving up the habit. Keep saying no to the urges. This may help you say no to people as well, plus you'll have a little irritation/anger behind you from the withdrawals.

Az0970 wrote:So many times whenever I hang out/meet with people in social situations, whether its in groups, or just 1-1, or at work, I always end up being dominated/humiliated in the conversation/interaction.

People say hurtful things or jokes that make me look stupid or weak, and this has led me to having a complex where when I am with people, I am sweating with anxiety, whether they are about to say something hurtful or humiliating or turn on me. I have this innate characteristic not to answer back because I am left stunned, not knowing what to say, and also because in high school I programmed myself not to say anything back or else it will make them angry and they will get more personal.

What are the best general tips in dealing with people? So that you don't come off as the weaker party or lead the other person to believe that you are a pushover.

For bonus tips, what are the best general tips to not let someone get to the point of feeling comfortable/bold enough to act this way with you?

Hi Az0970,
Don’t hang out with bullies. You can’t change other people. If you must hang out with a bully, you might find a technique called “gray rock” helpful. It’s a way to interact in a very minimal way. Feel free to google “gray rock” if it interests you.

Stop being a doormat. If you speak up & defend yourself, some persons will get the message & back off. Stop taking the behavior of others personally. How they treat you says more about them than you. Not everything is about you, in a good way.

Finally, help us help you. What exactly are the hurtful things others are saying about you? What exactly are the jokes being made at your expense? If you are more specific you may get better advice. Good luck.

Stay away from such people. They are not your friends. Better be alone than suffer.

Tell the person in private to behave properly. Raise your voice. I'm not a fan of befriend the bully.

Tell the boss about it.

I decided to write a little about the psychology of bullies, and the "normal" people who enable them. It's not a complete guide but it may help people to get to the root of the problem.


"True" Bully

This is a person who, thanks to some trauma in his (or her) development, didn't develop basic humanity. A bully is like an addict always trying to get a fix, but a fix never satisfies him for long. What's his fix? He looks for people to pick on. Stop and think about how crazy that is for a second. Imagine deliberately going into a room with people in it, desperately needing to pick on somebody in order to feel a little better about yourself for a little while. Pretty pathetic.

So how do they get away with this nonsense? Partly because they've been like this all their lives so they've become fairly good at it, as long as others fall for their tricks. Partly because normal people don't think this way and many normal people don't want to believe that a lot of respected people go around behaving like this. Let's look at these "normal" people a little, or as you may like to call them...


Useful Idiots

They turn a blind eye to bullying. They may say that bullying is horrible and so on, but they put bullying into a neat little box. Only in certain extreme cases is bullying actually "a thing".

They easily fall for the "fake authority" of the bully. The bully may make out that his actions are coming from his imagined moral superiority. He attacks his target because the target is morally wrong and needs to be corrected. This "game" the bully plays is, of course, complete and utter rubbish, but they've been playing this game all their lives, and they have the deluded support of many "normal" people, or useful idiots.


The Target of the Bully

Target is a better word than victim. The bully has a strange relationship with his targets. In one sense he kind of admires, even likes a target, because the target has things the bully does not. But along with this pseudo-admiration is extreme, unhealthy jealousy. He may think he's jealous of a target's looks, personality or whatever, but really he's jealous of the target's ability to relate and empathise with people in a genuine way, something the bully cannot do. And when he feels jealousy (or other negative emotions), he feels perfectly entitled to attack the person who aroused his jealosy.


So to summarise, a bully plays a stupid little game, but because they've been doing it all their lives, and because they've learned to "recruit" useful idiots, they get away with it to an extent. Really all you have to do is refuse to play their stupid game. Don't try to beat them at their game. Just refuse to play it. Then the bully will look for another target, another fix. You've stepped outside their game and are not a Target or a Useful Idiot. You are something to be feared and avoided.

Trust your instincts. Don't fall for the fake authority of the bully, or the delusions of the useful idiot. Don't play the stupid game of the bully.

Some really good advice and strong encouragement upon this topic. Targeting is wrong on so many levels, and should never be mislabeled as mental illness within the target.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! You have no idea how much this helped me.

The Target of the Bully

Target is a better word than victim. The bully has a strange relationship with his targets. In one sense he kind of admires, even likes a target, because the target has things the bully does not. But along with this pseudo-admiration is extreme, unhealthy jealousy. He may think he's jealous of a target's looks, personality or whatever, but really he's jealous of the target's ability to relate and empathise with people in a genuine way, something the bully cannot do. And when he feels jealousy (or other negative emotions), he feels perfectly entitled to attack the person who aroused his jealosy.


So to summarise, a bully plays a stupid little game, but because they've been doing it all their lives, and because they've learned to "recruit" useful idiots, they get away with it to an extent. Really all you have to do is refuse to play their stupid game. Don't try to beat them at their game. Just refuse to play it. Then the bully will look for another target, another fix. You've stepped outside their game and are not a Target or a Useful Idiot. You are something to be feared and avoided.

Trust your instincts. Don't fall for the fake authority of the bully, or the delusions of the useful idiot. Don't play the stupid game of the bully.

One thing I learned hard in life is friends or people you just hang out with who are bullies don't stay around if you have nothing to offer, they are using you for something. Weather it is that guy to bring to the group for everyone to poke fun of or bully, or that guy that will help them find a job, or that guy that will give them money or help them out, or that friend that does their homework for them.

I got hurt in my life when I had friends or people I hanged around in social situations who abandoned me when all along I just picked the wrong friends or people to socialize with to begin with. Bullies are not good friends or good people to hang out with, they won't be there for you when you need them the most. If things get rough in the friendship they don't stick around to work things out they just desert you.

I have learned I am better off in life with very few friends, but very good friends who have great morals and ethics. I am more choosey who I choose to hang around in social situations and if I see a trouble maker I just avoid being around them period.

Anonbabay wrote:Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! You have no idea how much this helped me.

The Target of the Bully

Target is a better word than victim. The bully has a strange relationship with his targets. In one sense he kind of admires, even likes a target, because the target has things the bully does not. But along with this pseudo-admiration is extreme, unhealthy jealousy. He may think he's jealous of a target's looks, personality or whatever, but really he's jealous of the target's ability to relate and empathise with people in a genuine way, something the bully cannot do. And when he feels jealousy (or other negative emotions), he feels perfectly entitled to attack the person who aroused his jealosy.


So to summarise, a bully plays a stupid little game, but because they've been doing it all their lives, and because they've learned to "recruit" useful idiots, they get away with it to an extent. Really all you have to do is refuse to play their stupid game. Don't try to beat them at their game. Just refuse to play it. Then the bully will look for another target, another fix. You've stepped outside their game and are not a Target or a Useful Idiot. You are something to be feared and avoided.

Trust your instincts. Don't fall for the fake authority of the bully, or the delusions of the useful idiot. Don't play the stupid game of the bully.

You're very welcome!