Angry even after 40 years.

I'm not sure exactly what I expect to get out of this - maybe I just need somewhere to tell what happened after bottling it up all this time.

What has set me off is seeing some old school photos I found when having a clear out. In every one I look glum, and I well remember why. When I was a schoolboy back in the 70s, I was bullied for several things - being a bit overweight, being a bit bookish and not one of the gang, having mild asthma that got me off gym/sports activities. When I was 14, I was on my was to school at the start of the new school year. I was accosted by a couple of classmates, who hustled me off down the path and well into the trees. I was naturally in a panic, wondering what it was going to be about this time. I was told that I was missing part of my uniform, and they handed me a box. I nearly fainted when I saw what was on it - a picture of the lower half of a woman modelling a Berlei long leg panty girdle. I tried to run for it, but they grabbed me and started to try to get my trousers off. My uniform was brand new, and I was scared they'd rip it in the struggle, so I shouted out for them to stop.

And, as I cried and they laughed, I took off my shoes and trousers, stepped into this awful thing...and pulled it on. I was in shock at the feel of it on me - to this day, I don't know how they got one the right size, but it seemed so tight! They took some photos with a Polaroid camera - the types that gave an picture immediately. Then came the sucker punch. If I didn't want anyone to see these pictures, they'd better not catch me at school without my girdle on.

And so that became part of my uniform. It may seem mild bullying as there was no physical violence involved, but there I was, a 14 year old boy, having to spend the entirety of every day with a girdle on under my uniform. As I was excused sports, there was nothing to stop me wearing it 5 days a week. I was so embarrassed, ashamed, terrified of being caught and most of all so bloody uncomfortable with this damn thing holding me in. No wonder I look miserable in all these photos. And they did check on me - all it took was a surreptitious light tap on my backside to ensure things were sufficiently taut.

I had put it out of my mind, but these photos have brought the anger welling up. I should be able to look back on my school days as "the best days of my life", but all I recall is the torture of spending 4 years wearing a panty bloody girdle for the amusement of morons.

Hi, I am sorry to hear about that, that is very cruel what they did. I think it is okay to be angry after seeing those photos. I have been in a few different situations and it is not fun.

Hey man, it is not right and really unfortunate what had happened. Those people are cruel and have problems of their own; you were never the problem and you have the right to be whoever you want whether at 14 or 40. When I was 15 I got harassed and bullied almost everyday by a group of people in high school and they called me a rapist and they got everybody else to leave and abandon me and really made going to school feel like torture. I do not judge at all as to what happened and I hope you can find common humanity within me as I do in you! It's not right and please do reply as I'd like to hear how you feel now. Those people can't hurt you anymore as high school if with the wrong people is a bit like a prison. You are awesome dude. Hope this helped.

OP again. I mislaid my original login details, hence the new name.

In recent months, I have been having panic attacks just remembering back to this time. If I ever risked turning up to school without my girdle on, I'd spend the day terrified that they'd find out. Eventually I realised it was less of a torture to just wear the damn girdle as I could at least stop worrying about being caught out and punished.

These recent panic attacks have been exactly like the ones I remember from back then. A few days ago, after suffering one of these turns and still being stressed afterwards, I logged on to Amazon and somewhat rashly ordered myself some retro women's underwear. In the days since, I've felt a horrible mix of emotions - self-loathing, shame, regret and, worst of all, a slight hope that this will resolve the problem.

This order arrived yesterday. I spent over an hour this morning just staring at what I'd ordered before finally working up the courage to put it on. I'm now sitting here in a longline bra, high-waist long-leg panty girdle and seamed-stockings (attached to the suspenders inside the girdle legs). I'm blushing with embarrassment just typing this, even though I know I'll never have to look anyone who reads this in the eye. Having this stuff on also takes me right back to my youth, feeling the corsetry holding me in, hating it, and dying of shame. But I feel calmer since I put it on eight hours ago. Even between panic attacks, there was a consistent low-level sense of anxiety that is now gone.

Dear God, is this the choice I have? Feeling continually anxious and panicky or having to resume a life of having to wear women's foundation garments? It seems ridiculous that I'm now being "bullied" by a decades-old memory.

I've just done something awful. At school, they sometimes joked that perhaps wearing women's clothes wasn't enough for me, and maybe they'd get some gay guy to make a real woman of me. I was always terrified they'd carry this out. Since my post earlier this week, I've been wearing women's underwear full-time again and my mind's been all over the place. Yesterday I read an article about web sites that allow gay guys meet up for sex. This brought back the memories of those awful threats from my schooldays. Even though I'm completely straight, a couple of hours later I was on my knees in my bra and girdle with some random gay guy's penis in my mouth. God help me, I actually swallowed his semen. I don't know why I'm doing this to myself. I just wish I'd never stirred up these old memories.

Can you see an experienced trauma therapist? When stuff you've put away for years comes back like this and affects your current life, it can really help to sort it out with someone who knows how to treat people who have had complex chronic trauma. It sounds like these symptoms have been going on for at least a year, and really interfering with your life.

please visit a therapist asap.

i had a call with my therapist and she said that our childhood creates patterns that we carry on until adulthood. n its very difficult to break the cycle.

there's only so much help/encouragement/support you can receive over here. i was in therapy for 1.5 years n that was helpful.

therapy prevented me from repeating the acts that i did.

and yeah those classmates had no business doing what they did.