My bully father threatened to kill me, now he has cancer

Hello everyone. My relationship with my father is very complicated, I see him as the biggest war in my life and in my brain. Mom and dad got divorced when I was 3 and he didn't give us any money at that time even though he had much more than we had. He has a very dynamic personality, he's been drug addict for a long time. He's a kind of man that adores every mafia and mafia-like men, he's conservative only when it comes to issues like being gay. He sees every women as sex machines etc. I am 19 years old and gay by the way.

My mom, in the other hand, is a wonderful woman. She was abused by my dad verbally and mentally when they were married. When I came out to my mom, she didn't cry, she didn't think for a second and she just smiled and said "I love you the way you are and I'll be happy only when you are happy". This is something big when I think of the conservative society in which I've grown up.

I've never come out to my dad but when your son brings her Disney princess toys and books with him to your home when he came to see you on weekends, I guess you should suspect lol. And since I was 5 or 6, he has always said things like "damn you're so lucky to have a dad like me, when you grow up a bit I'll take you to the most beautiful women" and he said those things literally EVERY TIME I was with him, from age 5 to 16. He was using the word "f**got" on purpose to people every time for me to hear. I always hated him and saw him as a stranger that I had to spend my time with. I remember, when I was like 6-7, he would take me and my sister to his home for the weekend then I would start crying after like half an hour and say I want to go home, then mom would take me back.

2 years ago he called me and asked why I wasn't calling him, he missed me etc. and I was making up excuses like I was busy then he suddenly started to yell, saying "WHY ARE YOU TALKING LIKE A GIRL, WHY ARE YOU TALKING LIKE A F*G" then closed the phone and I was on the street crying and felt incredibly angry and hateful. Then he told my aunt that if I was gay, he wouldn't pay my tuition fees anymore and my mom couldn't afford it if he didn't pay so my aunt made him believe that I'm not gay.

I never talked to him or saw him since that day. Then months ago, in may, he sent me messages like "I know now, you're a f*g, what a nice guy your mom has raised! You're a disgrace to me" I was shocked, then he sent another message saying "get out of your apartment b*stard, I came to kill my f*g son". I didn't even go to my classes for a week after this. My mom was so anxious that he was going to so something to me. I didn't want to go to police because I thought they wouldn't do much about this and reporting would make him even more angry and his personality is really problematic, he uses drugs very frequently and even though I think he's a coward, you can't know what he'd do when he's on rush or high. I took 10-15 mg of valium every day to survive that week.

He stopped paying my tuition fees and we had to pay it ourselves. Since that time, my hatred towards him became giant that I couldn't control it. I hated him so much that it wore me out to hate someone that much. I've always thought he's the main reason that I have such a low esteem, anxiety and OCD, and the second reason is 10+ years of being bullied at school, guys harrasing me verbally and physically every day, rubbing their .. on me at school and saying things such as "come on, confess you're a f*g and come suck it" frequently, or they'd hit me, they'd make fun of the way I talked whenever a teacher wanted me to answer something during a lesson. It's another story though.

Since the day my dad threatened me, I always wished him the most painful and slow death. And I felt my hatred inside while saying those things. I'm not a hateful person normally. I just can't forgive him.

A few days ago, I was told that he's diagnosed with lung cancer spread to his bones. I feel awful because I couldn't feel anything when I heard it. I didn't get sad or something. Then, I thought of all those bad wishes I made. It really seems like a slowly and painful death awaiting for him. It makes me feel awful because I can't stop thinking it happened because I wished it. I don't even believe in any religion, I'm agnostic but even though everybody keeps saying that it's not my fault, I can't stop thinking that it happened because of my wishes. I don't feel awful because he's my dad, I feel awful because he's a human and I feel like a cruel person.

My sister said he was so sad for his disease and said he missed me so much. My relatives keep saying that I should go see him, maybe pretend as if nothing happened because he probably didn't have much time and he'll feel happy if he sees me. I don't know. I still hate him. I cried after knowing that he was sick but it was more like "why is he my dad? why couldn't I have a dad that cared about me, loved me instead of turning my life into a nightmare?"

I don't know if I can go see him. I don't know what I'll feel like when he dies without seeing me. I don't know how I can forgive him. I don't want to be such a person but it's not something I have control over. I need some advice I guess.

Thanks for reading.

So, nobody has replied so far but I've made a decision about seeing my father or not and I want to let you know.

Today, I thought "okay, I hate him, I can't control this feeling, I wish I had a "real" father who loved me and cared about me and he was always like a total stranger & things he did to me really harmed me.

But he is sick now and nobody deserves to die, or suffer. He says he misses me so much (..) , and if seeing me will make him even a little more happy or relieved, then I'll see him. Doctors say they can't really do anything to cure him because of the severity of cancer but they'll work hard to reduce his pain as much as possible, so it means there isn't much luck for him. Maybe this is a test from life for my humanity. And maybe being cruel will make me just like him. If I don't see him and he dies, maybe 10-15 years later when I think of it, I will think that what I did was childish and cruel and I'll regret it.

So, as I said, nobody deserves death&suffering. If it will make him happy to see his gay son whom he threatened to kill, then I'll be forgiving and I'll see him, talk to him, tell him it's going to be okay even if I'll be pretending. I don't have to be cruel just because he was.

Hi Dsy012

I'm sorry for what you went through.

It's hard to have a parent unable to accept you as you are, and violent.

I don't know what is better for you, see him or not.

What i 'm sure of is that him being sick has nothing to do with your anger.

I think you have every right to chose to not have any contact with him. I would try to talk to a counselor to get more peace inside yourself over the past. My life threatening parent has now passed and I was somewhat in his life until the end. But I stood up to him twice after I got into my teens and twenties and he stopped openly bullying me. I understand he continued to bully my mom though.

His condition went really bad and now he’s in intensive care unit. His doctors say they’re not able to continue to treat the cancer because his body can’t take it anymore (he has diabetes, heart problems, a current infection etc.) and they’re expecting anything to happen but don’t know when, maybe 3 days or maybe 3 weeks.. I had the courage to go in and see him. I still can’t forget that moment, he was skinny as hell and as soon as I saw him I got my ears full of tears for that man I’ve always hated.

The reason I decided to see him was maybe it would make him feel better to see me. I held his hand and said “dad, I love you, you look great” and he just stared at me for a moment with a meaningful look. He asked me if I could give him a glass of water but it’s forbidden so I couldn’t.

Anyway I wanted to update my post. It was such an intense moment for me that made me forget all the hatred and what both his presence and absence in my life did to me, I wanted to share. I really hope he gets better.

Thank you for sharing Dsy012.

It's a very intense moment.

I feel for you.

Thanks a lot <3

Your dad really does love you, he is just battling his own internal problems.