Bullied by my step-parent

When I was really little my parents got divorced and we spent most of my early early childhood with my mom and grandparents. When I was about 7 my mom remarried this guy who we'll call Tim. She was married to Tim for about 7 years until the summer before I began High School at 14. Over those 7 years, Tim would bully me specifically(I have 3 older siblings). It was never anything over the top or horribly noticeable. Just constant snide comments.

Example: When I was young I loved sports and played soccer. My team was, well, not very good. After a game, my mom would tell me I did a good job and worked really hard. Tim would then comment something along the lines of, "Well she couldn't have done that good of a job, because they lost" (I later learned as an adult that the coaches used to comment to my mom about how good I was and how I was one of the best players on the team).

He also used to make comments on my weight if I went for a second helping at dinner(again I was about 10 and very active), as well as go through our bedrooms looking for things to get us into trouble while we were out of the house.

All of these things have hugely influenced a LOT of my current mental health issues. I internally cringe when people compliment me because I'm waiting for the insult or the 'not really'. I feel inadequate at pretty much everything. I'm crazy paranoid about people looking into my personal things or watching me(even though I have literally nothing to hide). As well I completely lost my willingness to participate in sports because I thought, "I must be really bad because my teams lose a lot"

The worst part is that now, over 10 years after they got divorced, I am still occasionally in contact with Tim. I hate it and avoid talking to him as much as possible but I still find myself sending him a happy birthday or merry Christmas text. I know I should cut ties completely but I just feel...guilty? Like, since the divorce he has no one. He's all alone. So like, I kinda feel bad.

Anyways, ahh just getting some stuff off my chest. I hope everyone else out there is doing well and staying safe~

I internally cringe when people compliment me because I'm waiting for the insult or the 'not really'. I feel inadequate at pretty much everything.

Completely completely relate to this. Everytime someone says something nice to me, I freeze inside and feel like a little kid waiting for the insult to come. Cannot deal with compliments at all when they're first given, and I probably end up seeming really rude for not responding.

I'll come back and reply properly soon (likely tomorrow), but I just wanted to quickly stop by and say hello.. and at the risk of making you want to hide (please don't.. you're in good company on this forum, and many here will be able to relate to that bit), you sound like a really lovely and caring person.. there aren't many people that get treated like that by a step-parent, and yet still care for others so deeply that they feel guilty over the person being on their own xx