Is this bullying?

Situation - engaged couple. Bride puts her heart and soul into planning her wedding to the man she loves. Spends many hours getting just the right dress, having it fitted, etc. On the actual day she spends hours on her hair, make-up, etc., as she wants to look her best for him.

As they are cutting the cake, his friends shout out for him to shove the cake in her face. He does not do so, but nearly a dozen different guys continue to shout for him to shove the cake in her face. (Bride has even told groom in advance there was to be no cake shoving).

Bride's family feels that this is bullying - for these men to encourage an act of aggression by the groom towards the bride just hours after they had exchanged vows (or anytime, for that matter). Fortunately Groom did not do this. There is no issue with Groom. Just with his "friends"

The "friends" claim it is a fun tradition, and not the least bit disrespectful. Bride's family feels differently.

Is this bullying? Or does bride's family lack sense of humor? Do the guests have any responsibility to behave well at an event hosted by others?

I would really appreciate feedback. Thank you

I think of bullying as something more prolonged.

This just sounds like drunken arses.

He shouldn't have done the cake smash to her, if she asked him not to do it.

I don't see it as bullying necessarily either, but as those men being idiots. Thankfully your husband was mature enough to ignore their advice they were yelling out to him.

I think that it's both actually - the bride has every reason to feel bullied, but the 'friends' have every reason to view what they were trying to do as 'normal'

This is one of those cases where it's not as clear cut as saying yes or no.. it's all about norms and perceptions - both of which differ massively between the bride and the grooms friends.


Were the grooms friends told that the cake shoving definitely wasn't going to happen before the ceremony happened? Because if they were, and started trying to make the groom do it anyway, that's really rude and disrespectful. Whereas if they hadn't been informed, they wouldn't have had a chance to readjust their expectations, and were probably continuing to shout when the groom ignored them because they were still assuming that the cake shoving was something that was going to happen if they 'encouraged' the groom enough.

I do see it as bullying - - the bride was in a vulnerable position, the groom had been informed ahead of time there was to be no cake shoving -- He did NOT do it. But his "friends" wanted him to do something that would have crushed his new wife. What kind of friends are those? Bullies, it seems to me.

Thank you for your thoughts.

Totally understand why you see it as bullying..

If i'd been the bride then i'd have felt awful at them shouting to my new husband to do that to me.. I would have felt totally disrespected as a person.

But.. I think that this again comes back to norms and perceptions. If the cake shoving is a tradition amongst his friends and other people he knows, then that is normal to them, and they're not going to be able to see your viewpoint very easily without some serious thought readjustment.
Thought readjustment is a really tricky thing to accomplish.. especially when those thoughts are rooted, cemented, and reinforced within social and familial practices over many years.


If you don't mind answering though.. did the groom tell his friends that the cake shoving wasn't going to happen, and did he explain why?
Because if he didn't, and he stayed silent while his friends were encouraging him.. I don't think his friends can be held too responsible for that. They were just acting in the way they'd been taught was normal.

I don't know if groom told his friends. Whether he had or not, I find it hard to think of cake shoving as "normal". I appreciate your point - but when the bride spends that time and energy planning her marriage to the man she loves (including HOURS that day getting hair and make up professionally done) and not only is there time and effort, but also significant expense involved - on what planet is it OK for a guest to behave in that way? Do the guests really think she wants her expensive dress, hair and make0-up ruined? What about the parents who shelled out big bucks for the event?

It doesn't even have to be a wedding. If the guests called for the cake to be shoved in the face of the guest of honor at a 90th birthday party - or the new graduate at a graduation party - I would be equally appalled. Do we not have a responsibility to the person being honored as well as to the hosts to behave in an acceptable way?

I agree that maybe in these guys circle, that this is "normal". Perhaps the saddens me most of all - that this bullying behavior can be laughed off as normal.

Thanks for your thoughts.

ShelbyMonroe wrote:
I agree that maybe in these guys circle, that this is "normal". Perhaps the saddens me most of all - that this bullying behavior can be laughed off as normal

^^ This, times a million.

I really don't understand that either - it's certainly not normal to me, nor acceptable as a tradition within my family.. but somehow that cake shoving thing ended up as a 'thing'..
Same as stripping the groom naked and handcuffing him to a lamp-post became a 'thing'. Or.. same as young men pulling their mates trousers down for a laugh become a thing..

Are you the bride btw? (no need to answer if you don't want to.. just curious) xx

Not the bride. The mother. It breaks my heart that his best friends bully, then it is defended as fun. Bullies often defend their actions as "having fun". But it is not acceptable. Where is the consideration for the grandparents in attendance - who would be shocked, offended - maybe even hurt - by such a thing. Parents are expected to put on such elaborate weddings for their kids - then the guests act like they are on the Jerry Springer show.

You say young men pulling their mates trousers down has become a thing? You mean they pull the girl's pants down? I have never heard of that. Is this at weddings? I would like to know in order to prevent/protect against such events in the future.

Sorry Shelby,

I didn't realise that the word 'mates' might be misunderstood. We tend to use the word here as an alternative to friend/buddy/pal etc..

Many young males (specially while drinking copious amounts of alcohol) in recent years have seemed to find it hilarious to act like that, and if someone complains about it, they're seen as being a spoilsport and whining about nothing.

You're right, none of this behaviour is acceptable - but it is rooted quite deeply within some sections of society, and it's going to take a long time to shift from that (if a shift ever happens at all) xx