Overcoming negative remarks.

Hello,

I require help on overcoming negative remarks from a family member. The remarks in the past have included:


“How did you get such a good score? Did you receive special help?” Upon receiving a higher University entrance score than her oldest daughter.

Answer to that question is "NO".

“Get X siblings to write reports for you. As that’s how X passed his degree.” This was directed towards her oldest daughter. The daughter had just been kicked out of University due to her failing too many subjects (BA).

This remark was untrue, as my siblings never wrote my reports. Although, they did proofread my reports during the first semester.

“How do you know such a big word?” Response to me using the word “hypochondriac” during a conversation.

Fast forward to the present, the Auntie has recently told her youngest daughter that I suffer from a learning disability. This is not correct, I’ve never been diagnosed as having a learning disability.

The reasoning behind my Aunties remarks is during Junior High my academic performance was terrible. This is because I was unable to concentrate in class and did not have any motivation to complete the assigned homework. However, during Year 11 and 12 my grades improved due to the implementation of a very detailed timetable.

Regardless, these remarks are affecting my mindset and my ability to concentrate. This is problematic as I’m currently completing my second degree, Engineering. So please, if possible provide some recommendations for overcoming and moving on from these negative comments.

Thank you for reading.

Sometimes I just try to stay from that person as best as I can. Another thing is to answer with honesty and say something like "Why do you think I can't get good grades on my own, do you think I'm stupid or something?" I don't believe that they don't actually realize how they come across. They seem like they are put downs imo, so you could just confront them, why do you say this or that to me? It might not get them to stop because a bully is a bully and they love to get under our skin, but at least you are not turning a blind eye to what they are doing.

It's hard to overcome some negative remarks at times, as time passes and you gain more insight into who those bullies really are, you can feel proud of yourself for all that you have accomplished and it doesn't bother you one bit what they have said to you because you truly do know that you are none of those things they are insinuating. I hope this helps.

Deflect her comments in a casual, self-assured manner. Don't get defensive (that would just play into her hands) - but when she says "How did you get such a good score?", reply with "As you know, in grades 11 and 12 I studied very hard and excelled in my schoolwork. I'm sure my good score reflects those efforts. Thanks for asking." And give her a big smile when you say that. (not snarky, just a nice smile, as though she was sincerely interested in your academic career.)

Response to comment about your siblings writing your reports - say "It was so helpful to have my siblings proofread my reports my first semester of college, but of course I wrote them myself and after the first semester I had enough experience I no longer needed them to proof my reports. Perhaps if your daughter gets someone to proof her work for a few months it could help her, too." Again, accompany this with a big smile, as you certainly want your little cousin to succeed in school.

Response to hypochondriac question -- "Gosh, Auntie Sue, you know I have always done well in the language arts. I remember my spelling classes in fourth grade - we not only had to know how to spell the word, but know what it meant and use it in a sentence. I have found that all-encoompassing approach to language arts to be very helpful, even in my engineering classes." Again, big big smile.

As for the gossip that you have a learning disability, I would probably hit her right between the eyes on that one. I would take her aside and say directly, "Aunt Sue, Cousin Amy tells me that you told her that I have a learning disability. All kids go through challenging periods in life, often in junior high, but I was never diagnosed with a learning disability. I would appreciate you not spreading falsehoods." No smile on this one, just a stern look as you gaze directly into her eyes.

I don't think she will stop unless she is called on her behavior. The minor stuff, you laugh off and casually put her in her place. The mean gossip like the learning disability stuff, look her right in the eye and let her have it. Calmly, not defensively.

Congrats on your engineering studies. I hope learn to drive a stick shift car and operate the TV remote control someday. My hat is off to you. Good luck