Bullying problems at work

Good evening.

I am terribly sorry if this is very long, and will understand it if anyone stops reading. I am just writing to vent a little, I guess, as I am more angry than anything else and feel like I don't have anyone objective to listen to what I am thinking.

I work as an accountant in the public sector, and I've been in my current job for a few months. I was already dismissed from my previous job with a very flimsy excuse, and I am shocked to see the same patterns emerging in here. Please, let me explain.

I graduated last year, and I did really well at university. It took me a while to get a job, but when I did, I really liked it and my line manager was extremely happy with me. I received lots of praise and that encouraged me to work even harder, because I wanted to stay at that company. However, my co-workers were very cold and slightly hostile toward me, and the department manager hated me for some reason that I still ignore.

During my first quarterly review, said department manager told me that I lacked emotional intelligence and that, because of that, I wouldn't go far in my career. He also said that he was tired of my many mistakes. When I asked what mistakes had I been making, he struggled to find something to say, and brought up something that I had done wrong the second week of being at work and was very minor. Then, he proceeded to demand that I start at least half and hour earlier and leave half and hour late every single day, because if I wanted "to prove myself worthy of the job", I had to "make sacrifices". When I agreed and asked whether I would be paid overtime, the manager reacted angrily and said that this proved my lack of professional integrity and that I was not a serious person, but a "show off". At the end of the review, he said that he was mentioning all these things to me because he really cared about me, and he didn't want to find himself in the position of having to decide that my contract would not be renewed.

This affected me deeply, but my line manager defended me all throughout and, after the department manager had left, told me not to worry about anything.

After that, it was constant nitpicking and I was being demanded to perform with the precision of a computer. My line manager also kept telling me to not get up from my desk to even get a cup of tea, because some of my co-workers were complaining about how frequently I went away to prepare tea, and had even been counting how many times I went to the toilet. He said that if I performed to the best of my ability, I would succeed in "shutting them up once and for all".

However, I eventually became ill and, since I had been in the company for less than six months, they used that as an excuse to dismiss me. The most painful thing was that while my line manager was telling me that I was being fired, he couldn't find any justification for the dismissal; he knew that he couldn't tell me "you've done this and this and that wrong", so he fixated on things such as "you made a spelling mistake when you sent this report, and the numbers on the file weren't perfectly aligned".

While I was trying to defend myself, I also mentioned how another colleague had pretended to have a very serious infection and had gone on holiday for almost two weeks, during which she kept posting photos on Facebook of her and her friends partying at the beach, and how this was discrimination, because she only got an informal warning but I was being dismissed for being ill for two days. After this, I was accused of trying to bully her and they invited me to leave the premises at once.

I don't blame my line manager, because obviously the order to dismiss me had come from the department manager, but it still left me really shaken and resentful.

Anyway, I eventually got another job and exactly the same thing is happening. During the second day of my training, I was asked to make suggestions and ask questions, with which I complied. I was also told to develop a complex report using Excel, and I presented my work to the management team and praised me for it. After hearing my suggestions and seeing my work, my co-workers, who had been really friendly and welcoming until that point, became really hostile and started making comments like "if you open the door, you have to grab the handle" or "will you be able to find the office tomorrow?", which were absurd.

Anyway, I work separately from the main team, which is in another town, and I have been having lots of problems with both managers and co-workers. The days after I presented the Excel report, a manager came up to me and told me to stop being so arrogant and pedantic. That very afternoon, the responsibility of producing that report was taken away from me with the excuse that the department is undergoing some re-structuring, and they need me to do other things.

Then, my line manager started being really aggressive and nasty on the phone, and would keep giving me contradictory instructions. She also refused to write any emails to me in order to avoid leaving any evidence of what she was doing, and started to complain endlessly about how incompetent I am supposed to be, even though there weren't any complaints from anybody else.

After I wrote a letter to HR, they contacted the department manager and he called me to say that I was overreacting, and that my line manager is a wonderful person and everyone likes her, and told me that the problem is that I am "a show off"... While hearing this, alarm bells started ringing and I took great care to send him and email detailing all the contents of our conversation and thanking him for his input. However, not only didn't he answer, but he broke off all contact with me. While I used to hear from him every day before, he hadn't written or called me ever since, until two weeks ago.

At the beginning of the month, I was given an insane workload due to what I was told were department changes, but I have succeeded in performing it well. However, after a week, the department manager contacted me for the first time in almost a month to say that there were some issues with the way in which I do my job. When I asked him about them, he simply said that I needed more training, but refused to mention what those issues were.

However, the real problems have started today. This afternoon, he has called me to say that I am performing really badly, that colleagues are complaining that they keep telling me to do things but that "they don't sink in" and that I need extensive training to do the same things that he praised me for in the very beginning, because my performance is awful and he is really worried about how I'm disrupting everything with my horrible mistakes. When I have asked him to tell me what the problems are, he has refused to say anything and has told me to travel to the main office in January to receive the urgent training that I need, because I'm on the verge of losing my job.

When I have insisted on knowing what the issues are, he has simply answered that he couldn't tell me because he will be off until the second week of January. However, has wished me a happy Christmas while laughing sarcastically.

Since I looked really upset, my colleague has asked me what happened, and I've told her. Hearing what the manager has said, she has become very angry and mentioned how unfair the situation is. She has told me how a person who started with me and is much less qualified than the both of us, has been given a huge raise and he is now, technically, our boss. She has also mentioned that the "department changes" had to do with me taking on this person's responsibilities on top of mine, while he was rewarded with a much better job for a very lackluster performance.

I am also very upset because when I took over his responsibilities, several things were a disaster and my line manager keeps trying to blame me for them, and I have to keep reminding everyone that I took over what this person was doing only two weeks ago. To top it all off, he has been given two weeks of holiday for Christmas, whereas I have had to literally beg to be given one day off.

I am sorry if this has been too long-winded, but I really needed to get it off my chest. This isn't affecting my confidence as professional because I know that I am a really good accountant, but I am obviously doing something terribly wrong, because people react so badly to me as a person... But don't understand it! I am not a loud and boisterous and condescending, but polite, quiet and meek to the point of submissiveness. I always say yes to everything and go to ridiculous lengths to try and be liked, because I am terrified of upsetting anyone and not becoming successful at work - I come from a deprived environment and I know very well what it's like to be out of work and have no money. I don't want that to happen to me, but it seems like I am destined to failure.

First off good job becoming an accountant, that alone is a feat of it's own. It is not easy and I am sure you are great at it. Otherwise why would so many people think you are arrogant or a show off?
Obviously they view you as a threat or as better than them, and how do most people act when they meet someone like you that is qualified and good at their job? Well that depends on how your professional personality is. As I read your post and knowing from what I have seen with my own experiences in the business world, I figured you were like me when it came to being a professional.

Akryse wrote: I am not a loud and boisterous and condescending, but polite, quiet and meek to the point of submissiveness. I always say yes to everything and go to ridiculous lengths to try and be liked, because I am terrified of upsetting anyone and not becoming successful at work

And you are just like me. Or how I used to be. I figured you were like this because of how they were treating you. And honestly everyone around you, the loud, obnoxious, get in their bosses faces, who you swear will get fired for the things they do, move up and get promotions.

Example. They had to chose someone to switch shifts at my old job in the medical field. The HR guy showed me my file, I had two sheets,one time I had surgery and the other I was sick with the flu. He then showed me a stack of folders, all stuffed with sheets that were call-ins, reprimands, tardiness records, etc. And even he said I shouldn't be the one forced onto another shift. However, in the end they all threw fits and yelled and cussed and ultimately got away with it. I was the one switched to the crappy hours. That is what made me realize it's all politics of who you know, and if you make yourself a target or victim they will feed on you and take advantage of you.

Now what can you do about this? Fight back and become one of them? Might be too risky, you might be the one they make an example of and fire. For me personally I just stuck in there, I got to know them all better, and I still was nice and did my job to the best of my ability. And I don't really make mistakes. However, I also spoke my mind. If I felt like someone was trying to "throw me under the bus" to cover their own ass, or was saying I did something wrong that I know I didn't. Then you better believe I will speak up and tell them that I don't agree with them and why. On the other hand if I did in fact screw up, I will own up to it and promise to do better.

For you and where you are now. I would do the training so you don't lose your job. I would then come back and do the job to the best of my ability. I would not act submissive however, come in confident and stay that way. Get to know your co-workers better any way you can, so they know you are not arrogant, you are just good at your job. And if they still try to bully you, call them out on it, ask them why they think you are that way and crack jokes if you can. I'm sure half my co-workers think I'm crazy, but hey, they respect me and they know I don't like mess-ups or screw around. And this is the same place "my best co-worker friend" used to "accidently" bump into me aggressively or shake her hand at me when she wanted me to hand her something, etc. I just showed her I wasn't a push over either. And I still don't exactly like her, but I am professional and treat everyone on that level.

It takes time, and as long as you can't get fired like last time, then you should be ok. Just hang in there. Get to know them better and show them that you are a cool person. Be less quiet, I know it's not easy if you are usually quiet but they have got to get to know you somehow. Show them you can be alpha and that they are not going to walk all over you.

Just don't do anything stupid that might get you fired. I honestly don't know your exact work situation, but I have seen a lot in the corporate world and it's really the strongest survive and the weak stay where they are at and don't move up. It sucks for people like you and I, but we have to survive.

Don't know if any of this helps, hard to type out all of my thoughts, would be better spoken, or if I could magically be there to help you during live action events. Good luck, and if you have any questions feel free to ask.

Hello SHawtrav,
First, i will say that i am a lady and much older than you since i graduated a few years ago. However, i have been in the position of feeling bullied at work on more that one ocasion, actually, i am feeling that way right now, so, i thought i could share some thoughts with you, and at the same that release some stress myself.

FIrst, I think that one has to understand that the way corporations or any large hyerarchical organization work is prone to bullying to show up. Why, because organizations are pyramids, so there are a lot of people at the base, with less power and making less money, and few people on top, so not everybody can claim up the ladder. This is a structural problem right there.

Second, people who are target by bullies are normally intelligent, productive, with high integrity and ethics, popular or charismatic or any combination of them. So bullies normally see those people as a threat or better than them. Bullies are insecure, however, very clever at concealing their insecurities. So these work bullies can not allow these efficient or "menacing" people to shine at work, even if that undermines the productivity of their own departnment, saddly enough.

THird, it is important to recognize that bullying can seriosuly lower yor moral if you are not 100% aware that you are being victim of that. So, while you remain in the toxic bullish environment is very important to have a support network maybe friends, family, your girlfriend to have positive and loving interactions, and always remind yourself that you are worthy and valuable. Always remind yourself that work bullies are very miserable persons inside. It is not your fault, however, you have to try to do the smartest moves to survive the toxic situation without that affecting your self steem.
Read about bullyng. The more you know about it, the more aware you will be, and the more tools you have to maneuver.

One of the most intuitives moves to make is to look for another job, speacially if it is not the job of your dreams and if you really have access to get another job. However, the bad news is that in the new job there might be other bullies as well. Looking back at my situation I am very competitive, straigtforward, and I have a very high sense of justice, so it is difficult for me to tolerate injustices at work, for instance, people taking credit of your work contribution. So i think that my attitude in that sense may be a trigger for bullies, so I think sometimes one has to learn to be cleverer, not so upfront, so people "dont see you coming". Sometimes we have to manage our pride, you may lose a battle, but keep strong in the long run to win the "war".
i think it is very important that you are aware of yourself, and what of your personal traits are triggering the bully's behavior (I emphasize that the bully behabior is not your fault, they just feel threatenned by these employees they perceive menacing). What i mean is that is uselful to be aware of what do you think your work bully feels menacing about you...
GEtting back to the issue of stay or quit, i would say that if you dont feel your current job is the job of your life, and the job market is favorable for your career, a good move is to try to find another job, because honestly, dealing with harassement at work is not pleasant nor is your dutty to "change" the bully or give him or her a "lesson". So, if you can move on, i think is almost always better option that stay Maneuvering to survive the toxic bully. Specially if you can find another job in the best company you can find. I think that the best companies are better managed, otherwise they would not be that good, and probaly managers are more mature and less insecure.

Another important thing to understand is that your work is just one part of your life, not your entire life. We all need jobs and money of course, but if you have a healthy personal life with your loved one, your family and friends, and you have other motivations beyond work, it is much more maneagable a miserable situation at work. I think is very important to have a hobby that has nothing to do with your job, maybe you like music or play an instument, or like exercising, so you play a sport and join a sports team. I think one has to have goals beyond work.

Finally, I would say, that one has to try to become more a more independent every time. Emotionally speaking, that means improving your own self-steem so your sense of worth is not dependent on what your boss or the Director or anybody else think of you. Economically, i think the most clever move that one can make is to try to develop a career path that eventually you can work on your own, because eventually one gets worn out of this corporate BS. So, for instance, you that are an accountant, you can definitvely eventually work by yourself doing accounting services or financial statement analysis, etc.

Well... as I said, is almost always prefereable to leave the toxic bullying environment that to try to stay there uncomfortable and emotionally drained. However, do not let them get away whit what they want.. which is that you quit even if you do not have another job. Do not let them do that. I would find another job and once I have it, i quit and left all those bullies behind.