Still scarred by bullying 20 years later

I'm almost 30, and I spent most of my school years being tormented by other boys, physically, verbally, emotionally and psychologically. I don't know why I was bullied, I always tried to be nice, but I have Aspergers, so I guess I could never pass myself off as "normal".

But I still can't get over it. I don't blame myself for being bullied, and I don't hold a grudge against the people who did it, for all I know they grew up to be nice people. But I'm not doing better as an adult than my bullies, I'm an agoraphobic shut-in with bipolar disorder, panic disorder, generalised anxiety, and an eating disorder and chronic pain as a result of the eating disorder.

I just still feel the pain of the bullying like it was only a week ago, it's that close and present in my mind. I do regret that I didn't fight back, even if that meant trouble for me, because I rarely stood up for myself, I just took it, because when I did fight back, I got in trouble, but my bullies didn't get in trouble, because if I told a teacher, the other kids would never corroborate my story, being the least popular kid in school, so I was labelled a liar by the teachers.

I had hoped that time would heal my wounds, but it hasn't, I just still can't get past the pain and humiliation of it.

I can honestly say for me, my wound didn't begin to heal until I found a good therapist trained in bullying that has helped. Please seek it out because there is a way to get over it and heal, but some of the things you won't see on your own. Since yesterday, I've been seeing a lot more and now I get to deal with the aftermath. It's okay because it gets me one step closer to being healthy again.

I feel your pain AFM. Prolonged bullying/put downs, etc can have such a huge negative impact on us that is so hard to ever let go off. I remember myself being a confident child, outgoing, not self conscious whatsoever, but gosh years of ridicule, name calling and put downs just destroyed me. Not only did it hurt me so much, it brainwashed me into believing I was all of the things I was told - ugly, retarded, a freak, etc. My self esteem and self worth was battered to a pulp. But not only that, it made me believe that the flaws which I was bullied for were such a huge deal, that they defined me and my worth. I became so incredibly self conscious in order to protect myself from any further hurt.

I don't think such wounds ever heal unless of course you receive endless positive judgements and are made to feel that you are worthy and good enough.
This is the problem we have - in life we develop a self image and self worth based on life experience - how others judge us and make us feel has a huge bearing on how we see ourselves and think of ourselves. Someone who receives compliments, positive attention, made to feel desirable, worthy, good enough, etc, it makes that person feel good about themselves, that they are worthy and good enough. Take someone who experienced put downs, ridicule, rejection, etc. It makes one feel so bad about themselves. You can't just undo that or disregard it.
I believe the only way the mind can ever overcome this is to experience a lot of positive judgments and feedback in order to start believing we are fine as we are. But...that may not ever happen.

AFrustratingMess wrote:
I had hoped that time would heal my wounds, but it hasn't, I just still can't get past the pain and humiliation of it.

You seem to have a fair amount to deal with but you seem to know enough about yourself to recognise where the fault lies.

Write to them. Make a list of the kids who bullied you and the teachers who dismissed your suffering and write to them; people are easy enough to find now.

Write what you wrote here and tell them how its affected you. They are to blame, not you. You deserve to have a reasonable life and they deserve to know the consequences of their behaviour.

I could sit here and say "Poor you" and "that's terrible, hugs and love" but what's the point? Take back some of the control they removed from you and put the responsibility back at their feet.

What do you have to lose? They will either:

1/ Not respond. In this case they know that you blame them; that you are not going to accept their behaviour as reasonable.
2/ They react the same way as they did in school, in which case they have failed to grow and will go through life with the same level of misery which prompted their picking on you in school in the first place. In this case it will show that it's them, not you, that caused the behaviour.
3/ They will see that it's had a profound effect on you and it might prompt them to react appropriately.

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Hello there,

I'm so sorry for your bullying experience that has lingered for that many years. I, myself have been a victim of constant bullying before even starting school all the way till my mid 20s & almost exactly know how painful it was and still is. I was bullied by neighbor kids and school classmates. They always either put me in the middle and made fun of me and laughed at me, or put a aside and isolated and totally ignored me. I was often alone and had no friends. It made me feel like crying each time I thought about how lonely I was. I always felt so bad for myself. As a result, I got depression as a kid which stayed w/ me for many many years. Likewise, unfortunately I didn't stand up for myself either which created the disorder called sense of "helplessness." I also developed severe social phobia, generalized anxiety disorder, OCD, and a few personality disorders, all related to my childhood bullying and being ridiculed and isolated. I couldn't develop adequate social skill either as a result and struggled with for decades.

To make the story short, the good news is that there are solutions to have a normal life. I completely agree w/ others answers regarding to discuss it w/ the bullies directly and also hearing lots of positive feedback about yourself will help. The bad memories can fade dramatically to the point that they won't be in your conscious mind anymore. These are what I've done w/ great successful results. If I did it, you can too:

1. Knowledge is power: I educated myself by reading many books, attending many seminars, etc about psychology and its disorders, human behaviors, etc.

2. Practice makes perfect: I tried to put all my knowledge to practice in real life in a daily basis. E.g. standing up for myself; joining groups to practice social skills & ridding the social phobia, etc.

3. Forgive & forget once and for all: As I either didn't remembered the bullies names or couldn't reach them, I used this technique (like journaling): In a meditative mood in my quite place, I visualized the bad experience in detail. I then wrote down the details from the beginning to end of what happened. Then mentally & physically, I stood up for myself & fought back. Then they extended their apologies & that I bad they felt because of their wrong acts and begged for forgiveness. After some resistance, I finally forgave them. Sometimes I processed one or two experiences a night which sometimes would take 10 pages of writing depending on the severity of the trauma.

4. One of the indicators of a healthy mind is that the person is willing to help others in need. An indicator of a healthier mind is that the person lets others help him: I seeked the help of train & experienced therapists. Then I put their advices into practice too in a daily basis.

5. Three more things: Repeat, repeat, & repeat. Make it a lifelong habit. Achieve as many good experiences as you can in any ways possible, verbally by others, self positive talk, etc. This will override all the bad memories and replace them w/ good ones. In other words, your conscious mine will be filled w/ good related memories to the point that they'll push back the old bad ones further and further to your subconscious mind. They won't be in control anymore.

Results: I've overcame almost all my youth problems regarding social anxiety, fear of bullies & getting bullied, helplessness, etc. Not just I'm not afraid of getting bullied, but I have got so much courage that a number of times I have saved others from bullies (I'm now kind of bullies' bully, LOL) I'm closer to my real potential self. All my talents that were buried under tons of fear and holding back are now released and manifesting. My life is improving like never before, financially, socially, you name it. I get so many good feedbacks and compliments almost on a daily basis (about things that once were my weaknesses) even from total strangers. I'm a new person now. I feel the old me died and this is new me. I feel I'm reborn. I feel "I" have control over my life now, not the bullies.

Thank you for bringing up your experience and sorry if I went on about my story. Sometimes victims just discussing about a painful experience w/ each other will relieve their pain a little.
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