Targeted at a low ebb?

My self-esteem was so low I went into hiding completely and my foray back into society has been really slow because I've had to find out what the problems were without being told anything. I have been around a lot of insensitive people. I started working in therapy on integration after I'd survived CHF and a psychotic episode in 2013-2014. In 2015 I was bullied and I had severe privacy invasions. I was harassed on the roads and there were people keeping tabs on my social life and slicing me up with their opinions, I was bullied on social media. General consensus is that I'm crazy, they don't trust me, they had intense views about my relationships, they'd spoken to people from my past.

I had to just sit back and take crap from everyone (they'd act out and just do things because I pissed them off because of what they found by invading my boundaries), at least I had to acknowledge that a lot of people had hidden their anger towards me and it was just for superficial things. After what I'd been through, it was hideous having all of that accountability on stand-by, and people who wanted to keep tabs on people I'd connected with online (internet dating), knowing that them acknowledging it would send me crazy and they could just keep the texts and contact the psych ward. IDIOTS. I've had no relationships in years!

There were a bunch of young people who wanted me put in the loony bin again and they were gathering evidence behind my back. I had to keep this poker face at home and I couldn't tell my family anything, I've just had crisis hotlines and therapists to keep me stable. I already had coping strategies and I sort of knew what to do, but I couldn't move forward with my life until they'd left me alone and the waiting on my part was ridiculous. No one gets it, when I try to explain it to people they just question my sanity, because if you look at the big picture it really is insane.

The hardest thing for me is the psychological toll isolation has taken on me, because my emotional needs have been put on hold for years. My coping strategies were really maladaptive to my self esteem. I've been living like a prisoner, at least, if only in my mind and in my beliefs about where I can go, who I can see, where it's going to be safe. It would have been really obvious, but I made an ass of myself being in hiding for so long and having nothing to show for the amount of time I've spent just focused on basic survival needs and stuff.

I've been starving of relationships and social interactions to preserve what's been left of my self-esteem and I think I've been in denial about how ###$ up my life has really been and what I've had to get through just for basic privileges. Like, people respecting you without having ideas about you and hearing crazy stories about how ###$ up you are after you've been through stuff they wouldn't understand. It's not fair. I see people younger than me with no education debt, tonnes of relationships and interest from the opposite sex, good jobs, no family problems.

I feel like my life has been a complete joke. The only reason I haven't killed myself is because of the isolation and because of all the therapy I've had, but it looks ridiculous. In Ancient Greece I think they could just sit around and reflect, in this society you have to work, some people are so lucky.

They have nothing to reflect on at all, they just have everything on a platter. They end up taking advantage of people like me. Yes I know this is a victim mentality, but holy $#%^, that wasn't normal. My life has been really abnormal, I have tonnes of existential issues because of how it's panned out. I wake up every day feeling sick and disgusted about everything. WHY. Why me. What did I do to deserve this.

I had a word account that was hacked through the email. It was being scanned by people who were bullying me and based on what I wrote, they used it to plan and 'sneak' suggestions to people who were around me if I wrote anything that pissed them off or I had plans to do something positive. They keep an eye on my debts through their connections and they 'don't want me getting away with anything', and yet they splash out and blow thousands of dollars in a weekend and don't give a $#%^ how much money they waste.

Another thing, my degree was sabotaged by someone on my Live journal friends list years ago, He knew where I was studying and stole my folio and became a freelancer based on what I'd learnt, he exploited my work and now there are rich young people who want to sue me and they all think I did it to myself.