Most of my bullying occurred inside schools, but sometimes it also happened in other places. I still remember, when I was 13, in a Judo academy, a guy five years older and twice my size that liked to push me on the ground for absolute no reason and to shout at me "What will you do? Humpf? What will you do? You $#%^." Meanwhile everyone around laughed at me, making me feel very humiliated. I still never know why he hated me so much; I did not even know him.
Another event that I will never forget is one of those that happenned when I was 14. A guy who had been picking me up since at least the last five years, calling me "fat" and "whale" every time he could, making hell out of my life for just pleasure (very different from now, when I was a teen I was fat, and my trauma with that was so intense that I entered the gym to fit my body as soon as I could; I was always the fat one no one wanted in his soccer team, the last to be chosen). One day I decided to face this guy, because I could not take it anymore after all those years, and I went crazy on him, calling him back ugly names. I still remember what he said in return, with eyes red on rage:
- You fat, you like to mess with people but don't like anyone else messing with you. Whale!
I never understood his logic, I swear. I never ever liked to mess with people, I barely talked to people that time, the shy I was. In schools I would be happy just ending my exercises and going away to my house. That guy made me so angry that even today I remembered how it felt; my vision went dark and I lost consciousness, as a furious animal. We didn't fight and he just got away laughing at me, but at least he stopped bullying me. Well… But now, as an adult, I guess I understand what had happened: I was one of those lonely and strange students with always good grades, praised by teachers, and maybe he got hatred on me because of that.
I have infinite experiences, one worse than the other. In another, in a public school (my school life was a mess, I exchanged schools every year because of bullying), a guy threatened to stab me just because he didn't like me. Another made my life a hell for two years calling me names because one day I prevented him to kill a bird for pleasure (some sick teens like to do that). Normally, when teens or children, my bullies were guys and, when adults, women (if I tell you what a woman teacher did to me you people would not believe). As I said, infinite experiences. There would be no space to tell all them, although sometimes I think that I would like someone just to hear them and to pretend to be interested, just to vent these things away. Well, no problem. Even at that time, however, I had also gorgeous people in my life. And now, looking back, I regret very much to not allow them to approach me. People who liked me. Anyway, when you are in constant menace, things aren't so simple, and even friendly people turn out to be a threat inside your twisted head. At that time I was in constant hatred, hatred of everything, and my emotional walls were very strong to be broken by anyone trying to approach me. Well, I even commited the error to participate during some months a fascist gang, only to put that emotional pain away a little - like that movie American History X (with the only difference that my life wasn't a movie).
In summary, I was bullied by students and teachers, in schools and anywhere else. Almost 99% of my time during my childhood and teenager years I spent in my room; reading, studying or behind a PC/video-game screen. This fact had also its good side, for now I can speak and write in four languages besides my native (Portuguese) and I am also a writer and programmer; when I'm not on my job I work on those two habilities in the hope that one day I could make a hit or something great.
Notwithstanding, this fact also made me develop a serious lack of social abilities. Nowadays I think that I don't know very well when to smile in a social environment, for instance, and people immediately realize that there is something strange with me. Maybe you do not believe me, but I am 23 and never had a friend (besides my family) or even touched a girl. I'm not ugly (not beautiful too, just a normal guy) and had received some proposals, but there's something wrong with me. For me, however, it is completly normal and I have absolute certainty that I will never have any kind of intimacy with no one in my life (simply because I don't want it), although sometimes it makes me think about what had happened to me through all these years, if you can understand what I mean. I don't desire to have family or anything like that; I'm sorry if I offend now those who have or want it, but this idea makes me angry and I don't know why. Things like hang out, parties, sex or whatever are completely alien to my life, had always been.
With time I was able to overcome the bullying that happened. I have a good job today, I live alone in São Paulo (Brazil) and I'm very happy about my future (really). I can't hide to myself the fact that, the much money I get (through hard work and investments), more and more these people of my past become so small that one day they will be invisible. I'm the kind of person who thinks that material goods is the key to be successful and happy as long as you have them.
Anyway, I never forgot what had happened to me and I will never forget. To tell the truth, sometimes I think it is even childish to continue remembering things I should have forgotten a long time ago. Why do I still remember those teenager years…? It's incredible how those memories can gnaw through your soul and make you suffer even after so many time. Sometimes I have nightmares about it, nightmares that make me wake up in the middle of night with clenched teeth of hatred and vengeful wishes. Sorry for what I will say, I'm not a violent person (I hate violence), but occasionally I chew over fantasies of making the news as the guy who killed, one-by-one, all those people who had made him suffer during his school days. Obviously I would never destroy my life this way, just fantasies, but I simply cannot control them. They are… sweet, to make them suffer, even if in simple dreams; I am ashamed to say it, I, an adult now.
But now comes the real problem.
At that time of my martydom, I remember, when I told my parents what was going on within schools with me, they advised me: "You must ignore them and everything will be ok, because they will forget you." Nowadays I see how laughable and destructive this counsel was, although I know that my parents tried to help me the way they could. In truth, today I see that in fact they could do nothing effective to protect me, I'm very reallistic about that. So, through all these horrible experiences in life, I learnt that to ignore is not the solution. You must face the problem. But then I think: and if this happen again, this bullying? Now, in adult life, and if this happen again? Perhaps under the form of harassment on job environment? In this very forum we can see examples of people bullied for assholes in his/her 30s or more. Obviously I would not react to it as I reacted in my teenager years, now I will face the problem, but this is not so simple.
My martydom ended when I had 15 years and moved to another city. There the people were different and I had never been bullied again. To give you an idea, until that time I had never had the experience of being in a social environment without the fear of being harassed, as if it was a normal aspect of life. I'm a very calm man and I had never been in problem with anyone since that time. Normally people like me and trust me because of my nature (the same as always, in truth). I don't have friends, but I have good relationship with anyone I know and in fact I don't believe that I'll ever be harassed again, because now, as an adult, I can choose the environments I want to be, which is different when one is a child, for he or she can't avoid going into school (many of the people with whom I had the displeasure of study turned out to be thugs and are now or murdered or in jail and also some rednecks).
But this fear of being victim of bullying again... This is too great to bear. The felling of humiliation… I wouldn't stand it again. So I decided to, in the light of reason, devise a plan in the case of the worst, although I don't believe that I'll have to use it anyway. I decided that in the case of being bullied again I will take the following steps:
Step 1- Talk to the bully openly to prevent it to become worse.
When I was a teen I commited the error to allow people to get so deep into my intimacy, as if a stranger had the right to simply go around offending me every time he wanted. I did nothing, for fear (sometimes even fear for my life, because of the violent schools I had been). Today I'm not in that prison or anywhere alike. If someone confront me, I will confront him or her right away and openly, not with the objective to increase the confrontation, but to stop it right now.
Step 2 - Go to first level authorities (for example, the boss).
Let's say the previous idea didn't work and the person is a perfect asshole. In this case I would openly and straightaway search for my boss to explain what is happening. Maybe he will be able to put me in another sector of work.
Step 3 - Go to legal authorities.
No, the person didn't stop and the boss said me he can't do nothing about it and that I'll have to "swallow it". Ok, now come the Justice. I would fry thousands of dollars just to put the guy behind bars.
Step 4 - Kill the bully.
In the worst of worst, this is the only solution I can find. I know myself. I had bear so much till here. In the case of being caught by police, I would kill myself before that, but certainly I would not allow the bully to live.
Do you people also have a "escape plan"? Please, share it. I really need to hear it. I don't like the idea that I'll have no escape again in the case of bully harassment, as unlikely as it might seem (now I have only wonderful people around me). Today those monsters of my past are far behind my life, living their small everyday and I hope I'll never see them again. But you can't simply forget the spectral shadows that they still cast over your memories.
Please, don't say "just ignore them". I know this doesn't work. And also please don't ask me to forgive them…
…this also doesn't work.
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