I need help and advice please :( *Trigger Warning*

Hi, <trigger - warning: contains emotional outburst & depressing things>
So I've turned to this forum because it's a place where I can remain anonymous, let it out, talk to someone - hopefully if anyone replies and trust that no one will use it against me
I've reached my breaking point with everything in life and I feel like no one cares or cares in the way I need them to............well I know that's not entirely true....but I feel like I can't talk to anyone or trust anyone ..........I have a sister & dad - they're both good, but my sister has been through a lot and she's developed this tough outter skin where she just shrugs things off to protect herself (remain resilient etc) to the point where I'm crying and telling her I need to talk to someone and she's remaining neutral....it's not that she's not caring, she's just been through a lot and she does show her care in many other ways like buying me things or doing certain things for me....she's not perfect that's all.

Anyways, I've been trying sooo soo hard to remain resilient and optimistic and handle my relationships better, it's just that I feel like I don't have support and that everyone is so ###$ fake. I'm struggling at work to put on a front, I get told of by a lot of people and hardly ever complimented for anything I do right.......I get put down by my TL indirectly for my performance by telling me to take leave on certain days because she only has room for 6 people to work (xmas dates) in front of my colleagues and I'm not even on contract to only work when there is work I'm full time employer. She also confronted me for being argumentative but I wasn't trying to be agrumentative to my colleagues, it's just that I was pressured and trying to find the answer - just felt like she was taking their side a little.......I try to be friendly and outgoing but because everyone is pressured and they have their clicks and I'm new I feel left out - doesn't help that I'm the only female on the phones (although my TL is a female) I come home feeling depressed after work......sometimes I feel like some of the guys are controlling, authoritative & insecure....like they can't and will never admit it when I'm right.......

it's effecting me .........the only thing that keeps me going at work right now is this one guy who I feel is a mentor to me (2nd team leader) - he's soo humble and knows how to handle me when I'm pressured/stressed but most of all he's very helpful.... God only knows how much I appreciate this - I'm trying not to play the victim here, but I honestly do feel bullied and I can't open up because people judge me and tell me to toughen up and to shake it off. I don't have any friends because I just moved and I'm putting on weight again (after I lost 30kgs - gained it all back) and I'm trying to get it together because I want to live life. I know that having friends will help with resilience to simple problems and I know this may be a simple problem but I feel sooo out of control and honestly been crying out of control....

I also have a brother and sister-in-law with kids......they're okay too but they have hurt me.....I don't know how to deal with this? .........it's because I need my family to fully accept and support and help me the way I am ..........I remember there was a fishing trip that my brother organized......and because I had gained weight (I think this is the reason) him & my sister-in-law hinted that they didn't want me to go with them - so it was just my dad and sis and brother who went.......

Please help me not feel like a victim.....I know I'm strong but I can't open up to confront people because I've learnt the hard way that people use it against you...

Anyone please reply, I honestly appreciate any advice or encouragement......just feeling so ###$ hurt, angry, tired and depressed......there's so much more I want to say and a lot more that is going on but i'll leave it at here for now........I hope I haven't broken any of the forum rules lol - didn't wanna read that $#%^ to be honest, just need to vent......i'll put a trigger warning at the top just incase haha.

Thanks for reading if you've reached this far and I hope your day is going better than mine........sometimes reaching out to strangers is a lot more helpful than reaching out to family.

Hiya..

hopefully someone that's better with socialising than I am will come along but in the meantime, a few thoughts and sending hugs over to you if you'd like them xx

It's really horrible feeling like there's no-one around that you can talk to.. or that will even listen.

I've been in a similar workplace myself and being new or the odd one out is such a lonely place to be in..

I think you're right.. it's more than possible that your colleagues might be feeling a bit insecure here.. If they're used to being in a certain position in the company and view you as disrupting/threatening that position by arguing or saying that they could do something better, they will react to defend it.

You say that you're worn out from putting on a front all the time.. have you ever thought of simply dropping the front..?
I used to keep a front on all the time as well and found it really exhausting.. you can't keep it up all the time.
I used to walk into work, think that i'd have to be polite and friendly and keep up the act of ''capable and happy'' all the time..
One day.. i couldn't keep the front on any longer and my co-worker said the usual social greeting of ''hello, how are you?'' - I honestly couldn't gather up the mental energy to lie to him and gazed depressedly at him for a moment before replying ''you want the usual crap or the truth?''

After looking startled for a moment, he dragged me out for a cigarette and made me a cup of tea..

What I guess that i'm saying here is that the front is tiring and most people will see that you're not quite being the real you,, let them get to know the real you.. ask for help and don't keep forcing yourself to be positive if you don't feel it.. suppressing negative feelings just results in them spilling out another time.
I wonder if you've ever tried mindfulness or something like cbt to help with your feelings a little bit.. something like one of these might help a little bit in dealing with the stress of work and your family

xx