Bullying and what it does to you

After going to a therapist for a while trying to figure out why I am only sexually aroused by being treated like dirt, he has more or less helped me conclude it is because of how I've grown up. my family has always been especially cruel to me. My brother and i try to stay away from each other because our step dad was a hard man and wasn't very nice to us. a lot of yelling and my brother got it more than I did when we were growing up, so in turn I got it from him. My mom has always been kind of passive. my mom and stepdad are divorced now. My dad is a heavy drug abuser and i really only hear from him when he wants something. the rest of my family(we have a big one) used to make fun of me and push me around until I stopped going to our family get togethers. This was mostly because I was the youngest of everyone. i moved around a lot and when I finally settled in one area I had a girlfriend when I was about fifteen for two years and found out my "friend" had been sleeping with her behind my back and no one had been telling me. so skip a few years down the road, I meet a nice girl, we get married and by this time I'm already havingcybersex on the computer and having people treating me like garbage so I can get off. So after running out of people to abuse me, I started on myself and in ways, her. so in the end, i've ended up no better then they are. i've been getting help but nothing hurt me more than realizing that i had turned into them. so i'm 29 now, unable to be aroused unless i'm being humiliated and my wife and I are in an awkward relationship now because of what i had been doing and I had fell apart and admitted it to her. i have no friends anymore, i've never been good at keeping friends after the ones i had stabbed me in the back. I'm trying to get out of being this miserable wretch I've turned into but what I'm worried about is that I will never be able to get aroused by just being with a woman normally without the masochistic part of it. if that's the case, I'm just not really interested in existing because what I've experiened so far of the world in my life, i see nothing worth it here. My wife was the only thing i enjoyed in 29 years of living and i found a way to screw that up as well. What sucks is i get pissed at myself for making myself the victim in this as well. i try to tell myself that I should be punished for what I've done wrong but at the same time, my mind just can't reconcile that no one has ever been punished for what they did to me. To them it's just a joke or something I should get over, even to this day. my therapist was apalled at my life story lol. I do know, when I'm in a good mood, that there are others much worse off than me. so to those people, I'm sorry for the trials you've endured, but look at my life as a lesson. don't let it turn you into them. being the perpatrator after you've been the victim will destroy you. so do your best to live to the best of your ability and stay away from those that would poison you because it really does just make you want to stop existing. I dream of ending my life like another person dreams of living their's.

What sucks is i get pissed at myself for making myself the victim in this as well. i try to tell myself that I should be punished for what I've done wrong but at the same time, my mind just can't reconcile that no one has ever been punished for what they did to me.

Sounds like there's a lot of conflicting stuff there to figure out.

Being pissed off at yourself for putting yourself in a certain role reminds me of my own interactions with the NHS. Engaging with them was bad for me but I kept pulling myself back into that situation because I needed to resolve the resentment I had towards them. I wanted what could be considered a form of "justice" too, and that would lead to me putting myself back in that role. Unfortunately I didn't understand what I was doing.

I wonder if something similar might be going on with you there ?

Hi, I wanted to say I've been there and I'm in a later stage of recovery.
I also used to only be sexually aroused by being treated like dirt as a result of how I was treated. I believe I coped with what happened by convincing myself that those actions were loving.
It was very, very difficult when I actually ended up in a loving relationship and wasn't being abused, because it was so uncomfortable. I wasn't used to it.
With time though, I started getting used to it and retraining myself.
Because of how I was brought up, sometimes I still feel like I need to be abused to be loved.
But it feels so far away now. The worst it will get is roleplay, but it is still very loving and I have full control. I had to explain my situation to my current BF and he would take things slow.
I still remember when I couldn't orgasm without feeling fear. That was a year ago... now it's not the case.

I'm sorry to hear you had a hard upbringing. It's actually quite common that those who have been abused end up abusing others. Pain can make people do crazy things sometimes. When it gets to that point it really needs to be addressed. I think it's important that you recognize your behaviour and wanting to stop it/make amends. A lot of people refuse to see that and continue to hurt people. You deserve just as much love as anyone else.

You don't need punishment. You need understanding and empathy. If your therapist is not the right match for you, find a new one. I have a friend who went the majority of his life before someone would actually listen to him- he used to be very angry, bitter and closed off. Since finding someone to actually acknowledge his pain and help him work through it, he's changed a lot. I feel very happy for him. The reason I bring this up is keep looking if it's not working- you'll find someone to help you eventually, or you'll find a way that works for you. Everyone has a different way to heal.

I was bullied very badly growing up... I developed dissociative identity disorder as a result of people trying to break me. I slept the majority of my life and was told I'd probably never work or go back to school... no medicine worked for me... I wanted to die because I was so useless, and in so much pain.
At some point, I hit rock bottom and decided I would find a way.
Years of continually falling through cracks, like my friend... I eventually began to find things that actually helped... and years after that, I'm still in therapy, but I can hold a full time job, I am going back to school, and I finally have a non-abusive relationship. I can say that even though I still feel the pain from the past, it is less and less and this is the first year in my life that I am actually happy.
I am also in my 20's.
I'm not saying it's easy, but I'm hoping you'll be encouraged to try. When I first heard that I might never get well, or it could take years, I didn't want to put in the effort. I wanted to feel better NOW.
Years later, it was a wild, painful ride. But I'm starting to feel better...
Even when other people thought I was probably a lost cause, a new friend took the time to show me that someone out there cared.

I really hope that you'll be able to find something that brings peace to you, and will have the strength to heal. Sending you my best wishes. I found that learning about ACOA (adult children of alcoholics) spoke measures to me because my parents were ACOA themselves, and even though they didn't drink much, they still parented the same way their alcoholic parents did. I mention this because you said your dad was a heavy drug abuser. Another type of therapy that worked well for me was the internal family systems model. A family-marriage therapist knows the intricate twistedness a family can have and help you unravel it. You don't need to go with your family, you can go alone.

Wishing you the best.

shinobikhal wrote:After going to a therapist for a while trying to figure out why I am only sexually aroused by being treated like dirt, he has more or less helped me conclude it is because of how I've grown up. my family has always been especially cruel to me. My brother and i try to stay away from each other because our step dad was a hard man and wasn't very nice to us. a lot of yelling and my brother got it more than I did when we were growing up, so in turn I got it from him. My mom has always been kind of passive. my mom and stepdad are divorced now. My dad is a heavy drug abuser and i really only hear from him when he wants something. the rest of my family(we have a big one) used to make fun of me and push me around until I stopped going to our family get togethers. This was mostly because I was the youngest of everyone. i moved around a lot and when I finally settled in one area I had a girlfriend when I was about fifteen for two years and found out my "friend" had been sleeping with her behind my back and no one had been telling me. so skip a few years down the road, I meet a nice girl, we get married and by this time I'm already havingcybersex on the computer and having people treating me like garbage so I can get off. So after running out of people to abuse me, I started on myself and in ways, her. so in the end, i've ended up no better then they are. i've been getting help but nothing hurt me more than realizing that i had turned into them. so i'm 29 now, unable to be aroused unless i'm being humiliated and my wife and I are in an awkward relationship now because of what i had been doing and I had fell apart and admitted it to her. i have no friends anymore, i've never been good at keeping friends after the ones i had stabbed me in the back. I'm trying to get out of being this miserable wretch I've turned into but what I'm worried about is that I will never be able to get aroused by just being with a woman normally without the masochistic part of it. if that's the case, I'm just not really interested in existing because what I've experiened so far of the world in my life, i see nothing worth it here. My wife was the only thing i enjoyed in 29 years of living and i found a way to screw that up as well. What sucks is i get pissed at myself for making myself the victim in this as well. i try to tell myself that I should be punished for what I've done wrong but at the same time, my mind just can't reconcile that no one has ever been punished for what they did to me. To them it's just a joke or something I should get over, even to this day. my therapist was apalled at my life story lol. I do know, when I'm in a good mood, that there are others much worse off than me. so to those people, I'm sorry for the trials you've endured, but look at my life as a lesson. don't let it turn you into them. being the perpatrator after you've been the victim will destroy you. so do your best to live to the best of your ability and stay away from those that would poison you because it really does just make you want to stop existing. I dream of ending my life like another person dreams of living their's.

The first thing you've got to do is to stop with the suicidal thoughts and tone down your emotional frenzy about the problem. You can't start working on the problem until you get into a more calm state of mind. Second, don't hate yourself or beat yourself up over what arouses you, I heard a therapist say that once, it isn't your fault that you have a weird sexual arousal. Furthermore, there are a lot of men who are better off than you are who are still getting off on humiliation, the cuckold fetish is quite popular and it involves men being aroused by their wives cheating on them with other men and even encouraging their wives to cheat on them and all of this is very humiliating. Not only that but there are women who will give you a relationship based on your fetish, my sister has a female friend who is married and she is always calling her husband a "sissy", "queer", or "homo" in public to humiliate him and he loves it and they've been together for 15 years. Finally, if you want to change don't be in such a hurry to do it, these things take time.

Do not be afraid to ask for help - being bullied is not an easy thing to go through alone.