How best handle a 33 year old bully?

I'm 50 and still in grade school! Figuratively speaking anyway.

There is a 33 year old guy at work. He is married with 2 young daughters and a complete db. He has no education or job skills. He works packing boxes in shipping. He goes on all night gambling runs, gang-bang orgies and ONS with both single and married women and lies to his wife about it. He brought a girl friend to the Christmas party and everyone knows he's married. He braigs about his expolits all the time, makes constant lued sexual jokes and inuendo and flirts with every girl in the office. He is a bully because he makes cruel jokes about the weaknesses of others to make himself look good. There is a wonderful, talented guy at work who is small because he has had diabetes since he was 3 which stunted his growth. This guy calls him 'quarta pollo', Spanish for 'quarter chicken' like you would buy in the supermarket. He dosen't respect himself or anyone else.

I know talking or lecturing, even advice as a friend will do no good. This is a small company with no HR department. He has manipulated everyone and he is fun so they put up with it. The bosses like him, but respect me and like me more, I believe.

This guy has been extremely rude and insulting to me in ways I can't begin to describe here. Maybe because he knows I don't fall for his **** or let him manipulate me.

My problem is this guy struts around like he owns the world. His motto is life is short so everything is done for self-gratification without responsibility or respect for others. He actually enjoys hurting other people. What can I do do make him grow up or at least stop acting like a db?

You can't do anything about it. I'm half your age and I now know that people don't change and high school lasts forever. At least you only have 20 years until retirement.

Has he done anything to you that you could report to the boss?

I have a 35-year old bully too! Imagine that! Always thought I was in the corner by myself about this! Different story though, and it's a female, but it's still about people that won't change!

I believe that these people have some problems in their own life????? Any ignoring them can either 1-get them madder, or 2-divert them to another person or slow down their cockiness. My response to my bully is to not respond.

I have a Facebook Page that is just getting up and running, called Face Your Bully. I'm trying to get a Forum running like this one, but in a more confidential level since it is Facebook. You are more than welcome to "like" the page, and inbox me stories confidentially, then I post them as an anonymous person and let viewers help answer your questions and stories. Maybe this can help!!

You are on the right track when you said you don't put up with his b.s.

I have found great success with what I call "direct communications". The next time he is rude to you, something along the lines of, "Look Bob; you can strut around like you own the place and talk rudely to others, but that won't fly with me. If you want my respect, then you will have to treat me with respect."

Then shut up and don't say a word. Straight face, strong voice and let it rip.

No matter what happens, document your conversation for a little CYA.

Good luck.

-- Tue Jan 29, 2013 7:45 pm --

You are on the right track when you said you don't put up with his b.s.

I have found great success with what I call "direct communications". The next time he is rude to you, something along the lines of, "Look Bob; you can strut around like you own the place and talk rudely to others, but that won't fly with me. If you want my respect, then you will have to treat me with respect."

Then shut up and don't say a word. Straight face, strong voice and let it rip.

No matter what happens, document your conversation for a little CYA.

Good luck.

Violence can solve anything. Next time he goes to the bathroom just hit him with something heavy. Might sound bad but it will work. Or you can whine like a little girl forever, of course.

-- Sat May 04, 2013 10:09 pm --

Violence can solve anything. Next time he goes to the bathroom just hit him with something heavy. Might sound bad but it will work. Or you can whine like a little girl forever, of course.

-- Sat May 04, 2013 10:09 pm --

Violence can solve anything. Next time he goes to the bathroom just hit him with something heavy. Might sound bad but it will work. Or you can whine like a little girl forever, of course.

I don't recommend risking assault charges as a sensible method to handle a non-physical bully. The other suggestions given in this thread seem much more reasonable.

Thanks again, referring to more wisdom from Ada.

I could have 3 different levels of advice, but one of them could just as easily destroy an innocent's life as a bully's, I do not think I should be advising in ways that can "hurt" another person.

Therefore, I think the best thing might be to live and let live. Even though you find this man morally reprehensible and detestable, as you also state he is not reviled by everyone at the workplace because he is "fun". If you can ignore him and his ways, don't contribute to his ego and don't affirm him, this shows that you are the better person in my eyes without having to do anything at all, especially anything that could have unforeseen or negative consequences.

This person, who is a human being, has parents, relatives, wife, two daughters of his own, just as others. Any "injury" inflicted to him could affect others, innocents. His wife, stays with him in spite and maybe because of the way he is (there are all kinds of people all individual and perhaps with their own problems and insecurities). It also may not be a popular decision or occurrence.

While I don't agree with this man's ways at all, with his popularity, and perhaps because he has no intentional malice to create mischief beyond his excessively hedonistic personality, I think it is better to ignore him, and don't encourage him, try not to have negative thoughts about him or the workplace, forget he exists even, concentrate on the positive and finer things, go out with your workmate friends and have an acceptable level of fun in your own way.

bob the brave wrote: What can I do do make him grow up or at least stop acting like a db?

In short, I think there is nothing you can do to make this person more responsible or less of a db. It is just the way he is, and while there are people to affirm him and while he is not reviled at all, it is certain he will never change, anything said to him will be dismissed.

Live and let live (ignore him as per kabuhi, sunshinegirl78 and myself), focus on happiness in your life bob the brave or do something to make others happy to counteract the actions of this other man, but try not to have anything to do with him and those involved in his life, concentrate instead of everything that has nothing to do with him.

I rather like Empty Guy's method. There may be consequences, but it'll work.

But lets be practical here. Here's another method, I tried it and it worked quite well . . . at the very least it can curb his behavior; you mentioned that he's lacking in skills and education right? Well do this, when the time is ripe, and preferably in front of the other co workers - point out that the reason that he is a poop head is obviously because he's trying to compensate for his lack of skill and expertise. Remind him that he's going nowhere in the company, is stuck there, and YOU have options.

I did such to this 40 yo girl at work. Our positions require 4 year degrees, but she has no education and managed to sneak in because the boss who hired her (he's now gone btw) thought her a princess. It really threw her off balance when I pointed this out to her. They may not respond at first. or may seem violent for a brief moment, but then they'll go off in a corner like a whipped puppy with his tail between it's legs.

Best of all, it's totally non-violent, the truth, and cannot be held against you in anyway by HR or what not!!

What you can do and what you should do would be different things. You should ignore it and trust to karma to balance things out. People like this are nothing new, and if mental illness exists at all I'm sure 'db' is an illness. Obnoxious blowhards are loud and obvious to cover their own weaknesses. Public shaming though isn't going to do anything but exaccerbate the problem since they're made defensive and will react aggressively. And having a word in private only puts you on their radar. If you really wann do more than bear silent witness gather intelligence and then use it constructively. Like if he's so blatant about cheating, get video documentation then send it to his wife. Far be it from me to suggest anything illegal...But could google something like 'dirty tricks to use against bullies' (claps hands and displays them thereby absolving himself from any liability.)

As long as you are happy with yourself and find a way to remove yourself from the drama, it won't matter what this person does or says. If you don't respond the way the bully wants you to, they'll get bored and back off. Unfortunately I think if you try and change them it will just make them worse. A lot of bullies have narcissistic personality traits and they thrive on the attention, any kind of attention especially if it is negative. So just be careful. I know it's hard not to get angry. It's more important to manage how you're feeling and have an outlet. It's hard to accept that nothing you do or say can effect this person because they are so difficult to get through to (and hurtful).

Eventually the tides will turn. But don't make it your mission because you're fighting a losing battle if you try to control him. Abusive behaviour stems from insecurity and if you feed the monster it'll just get worse. No one has the right to talk to you like crap. Get even by handling yourself better in your own time (psychologically and emotionally) and you'll eventually wonder how he lives with himself.