My * buse story and more

Why do I keep f***ing things up? When I was in seventh grade a bully was s*xually harrasing this girl I liked. So what did I do? I told him to stop it; he gave me s*** and didn't so I punched him in the face and kicked my scrawny a**. To make things worse when I was lying in the floor bl*eding and trying to catch my breath the girl I just helped didn't thank me or anything.

The next year I severely f***ed up and ended my relationship with my best friend. He was always invading my personal space but I still liked him a h*ll of a lot we were best friends for three years and I had to f*** it up by coming off like a homophobic a** hole. Two years later things got worse.

I went to a boarding school where I was b*aten with cr*tches, b*aten with sh*rp TV cables, str*ngled with piano w*re (barely I was able to f*ght the attacker off but from which I may have a permanent injury), had a freshly put o*t lighter pressed to my leg and had basketballs thrown at my face. I huffed alot of WD 40 trying to make me forget. I couldn't forget the p*in though of the sting of the r*zor sharp wire to my thr*at.

I couldn't forget how weak I was the next year as I felt s*icidal my faith and trust in myself and humanity was gone. I felt anti social people scared....terrified me. Wasn't it people who had *bused and b*aten me and scr*wed me over as I had done to my best friend. I felt like I couldn't go on. Then when I was at my weakest I met someone who gave me strength.

It was a woman with DID and PTSD she had been through childhood tr*uma but was so incredibility strong, caring and understanding. While my tr*uma wasn't as severe as hers she understood me completely with no cynicism. She understood the anger and distrust I had with people because she had it and alters with it too. She also encouraged me to be more loving and caring and not let my hatered of the past define me today.

I knew her for two and a half years. We only talked online and on skype but I considered her a good friend and she was as open with me as I was with her. Then she just disappeared from online it's been eight months since. I don't know what happened but I know I f***ed things up. Why am I so pathetic I get my hopes up just for people to let me down? Was I better off just not trusting anyone?

You didnt screw things up; you are incredibly strong and a beautiful person, don't listen to the lies inside of you. I have DID and PTSD too, I understand how that goes, I'm sorry she dropped you, but maybe you could email her or reach out to her? you are tremendously strong, if you need to talk to somebody, I'm here for you