I hate people because of bullies!

I don't know where to start. I'm 18 now, and inside I hate people, humanity, our entire species. It is just sick! I mean I grove up in a loving, religious family. They always loved me, and spoke about how good is God! But when I went to school that idol that life is great got ruined. I was a little, shy, but intelligent kid. I liked to be with people. But they called me in names, because I was small, they insulted me, and even beat me. I lied to them that my father is a policeman and they will be arrested but it did not help. Years past and I always went out with those monsters, because I needed someone to play with. (once when I was 7 year old 15 or more kid beat me, they almost broke my beloved bicicle). And they even laughed at it. So when I get to 7th grade I stopped going out, stopped speaking with people. I stayed at home, read books , watch tv, play computer games ,etc. It was good, but in the school they continued insulting me. Once I almost killed on of them with a hatchet. He said something, or hit me, I don't really remember. But there was that hatchet, I grabbed it and jumped with it to that boy. I don't know wast stopped me then, I think I don't wanted to go to hell, or I just dont wanted to dissapoint my parents. And these insults continued even in high school. I cried a lot in my life. The things that really hurt me was when they called me in names, and when the said lies about my family.
They called me idiot and dumb, but I'm not. My teachers always said me that Im very intelligent and should became a researcher because I found new ways to solve math, physich and chemistry problems.
So there was a camp at our village this year and I went out to the pub at night to meet new people, (and get a girlfriend, that is my big dream). I started talking with some people. After 30min one of them asked me from where I know so much, and an another noticed that how intelligent and friendly am . And than the worst event of my year happened. Two of my old "friend" started calling me on my old names, those which I hated, they called me gay ( biggest insult in our country), and telled anybody how they treated me as a kid, and how dumb I am. I wasn't able to stay there anymore, I run away, and cried. After all those years , these monsters started it again. Since then they insult me with anything( with my hairstyle, with my style(i'm a very sharp dresser) , with the way I look. I got used to it and I just lough at it now. But why they are this evil, I did nothing wrong to them. I feel that anybody makes fun from me in this village. I was in a lot of camps, and the new people whom I met all liked me, they say that I'm friendly, funny, and they like me. but at home except my family anybody thinks I'm stupid. And I think it drove me crazy, I started to belive that I''m stupid, and dumb, and miserable. In the outside I'm a very happy and confident, and egocentric, but in the inside I feel only hate, and anxiety and something unexplainable. Sometimes I just want to get a gun, go in the class and shoot anithing that moves. I never had suicidal toughts, and never cut myslef, but i have serious rage problems. Sometimes I just explode when people insult me (just like with the hatchet). I feel sick from having these different personalities in inside and at outside. The tire me a lot, but I have to look strong. This is the last thing I have, my pride, and they will not take it from me.
I wait really much college, because I will go away from this rotten place, and never came back. I will start a new life where nobody know me, to made real friends.
The only thing what calms me now is a cigarette. ( I dont smoke a lot, twice a month at least). When I feel the big hate, or sadness in myself I light up a cigarette, and as i see how tho smoke disappears, I feel much better (like my problems just disapeard with the smoke).
Oh and you guys think that I will became mad, or demented soon, because I feel it often.
And sorry for my bad english, but i'm not a native speaker of it.

I was bullied, tormented, and assaulted (both physically and sexually) as a child, for many years, by both family and other people. Those experiences and that pain is indeed something that we carry around in adulthood. Is there a licensed counselor in your village that you can go to? If so, I highly recommend that. I'm guessing you are from another country, so if there is not someone you can talk to, I recommend starting a journal. Write in the journal as if you are writing to a brand new friend that is loving and kind and wants to hear all the problems you've had in your life. As you write, explain in much detail why you feel the way you feel, ways you wish you could change, etc. Continue with your journal as MUCH as possible. Some times, I write 5 to 10 pages a day in my journal. Remember, this journal is nothing but honesty, and you don't have to be afraid to say anything to your journal.
I know the thought of writing in a journal my not sound helpful, but when you are writing (NOT typing!), you naturally are not able to write as fast as you think; writing forces you to slow down an REALLY THINK about things. I have found a journal to be an invaluable tool to me.
Good luck.

Svajcispicc wrote:My teachers always said me that Im very intelligent and should became a researcher because I found new ways to solve math, physich and chemistry problems.

You probably made them all feel stupid, so they did their best to hurt you back. You have a great future ahead of you now; maybe some great accomplishments. Don't let anyone stop you.

Josef wrote:

Svajcispicc wrote:My teachers always said me that Im very intelligent and should became a researcher because I found new ways to solve math, physich and chemistry problems.

You probably made them all feel stupid, so they did their best to hurt you back. You have a great future ahead of you now; maybe some great accomplishments. Don't let anyone stop you.

Maybe they were jealous, but I will never be sure about this. My last hope is to move from here forever, and never came back!.//

I recommend starting a journal. Write in the journal as if you are writing to a brand new friend that is loving and kind and wants to hear all the problems you've had in your life. As you write, explain in much detail why you feel the way you feel, ways you wish you could change, etc. Continue with your journal as MUCH as possible. Some times, I write 5 to 10 pages a day in my journal. Remember, this journal is nothing but honesty, and you don't have to be afraid to say anything to your journal.

And that journal just sounds grate, I will try it. Or maybe I write a book. I always wanted to write a book.

Svajcispicc wrote: I always wanted to write a book.

That is a GREAT idea. Your book would be therapeutic for you, while helping countless others in the same situation. That sounds like a win/win situation.
The beauty of it is, you're not on a time schedule: you can write when you want to write, and how much you want to write, and know that eventually you will be doing good for the world.
Good luck, and when you're finished, I want to read it!

Sad for what you went through. People are pretty cruel these days. The sad thing is that the idea that Bullying stops after schooling is wrong. Bullies come in many sizes and ages. The best thing to do is to stand up to them. In order to effectively do that, you are going to have to learn some useful things.

I've always been bullied. In my early years, I was bullied by family. I wasn't bullied by other kids. I was too big and tall. Then when I got to high school when people started catching up to me as far as size, I became more vulnerable to bullying. HOwever, the bullying didn't start until after high school when I started holding jobs.

I got picked on and slandered to a point where I became unemployable (somehow). Also, bare in mind that I was moved around from area to area and ended holding my job in an area where I was different from everyone else.

Now, I'm learning about my rights and how to stand up for them.

As of right now, I don't necessarily hate people, but I am quite leery of them.

Your mind and nervous system are under attack.. and they can or will be ruptured and destroyed.

never give what is valuable to pigs or swine lest they trample you under there feet. turn and tear you into pieces.

The above statement is what is happening or happened to so many of us with out choice. The problem is the society. It is Evil.. an evil place, it does not mind having victims..

Any therapists or 12 step groups in the area...?

PTSD problems?

No one tells us about this side of society... It makes life a horrible place..

nice people are killed out here. Its a despicable indecent place.

When you understand that the outside world was and is never safe, that helps to understand what is going on here.