Desperate....

Hey theRe...
I am BulimiC. I purge every day....For almost 2 years...
I am so desperate....
My heart really hurts.....and my blood preassure...........so low....
I really feel that I'm going to DIE....
How .....How.....other people have bulimia for 10 ,15 years???
I thought I had more time...(to "enjoy")
Enjoy????I do like the process.....to eat anything....everything....without this Voice in my head telling me...."If you eat this you will be FAT".....
How can I just give up this flat stomach??these looks...being the most "fit" with abs and all.....boys are looking and girls jelous???
How???
SomeTimes I think there is nothing I want more.....than making people admire and envy....
iS IT WORTH iT????
PLEASE HELP ME. ...

Hey Scarlet, I understand exactly what you are saying. I haven't even been struggling with this as long as you have... only about 8 months. I can't imagine going on for as long as 15 years either! With all the health problems I have I can't imagine making it another month. I guess it's different for every person, some people might take it harder. Maybe it has to do with how often you purge. I do it every single day, multiple times. Do you keep anything down? Do any bulimics? I haven't kept a solid peice of food down in about 6 months, not a single bite. And sadly I do get what you mean about "enjoying" it. I hate hearing it but I know there are other ways to control your weight and stay thin while still being healthy... but I know it's difficult. Ah, I really haven't much help, I can only relate to what you're saying and wish you luck and recovery.

Recovery IS possible. It's hard, it's stressful. You'll probably be alone through it because how can you possibly tell someone else? But it does happen. It's almost like quitting smoking; the truly hard part is not relapsing once you've quit.

Everyone here knows what it's like to be bulimic. At least, I'd assume so being that this is a bulimic forum. And there are few people who know what it's like to recover. Take heart from those people, they're just like you. If they can become bulimic, like you, and recover, that means that you can too.

Take it slow. Don't get stressed if you relapse once in awhile, or even go back to being bulimic fully. Just realize that the fact that you DIDN'T throw up that ONE tiny meal, makes a difference. It's a step forward.

..its kinda weird how i go about my bulimic tendencies..
I eat healthy..
and then when ieat something that i perceive as Unhealthy..i get pissed..and figure ill just puke it up..soo when ever i eat a cookie..i then binge and purge..
i dont see many people do whati do..
but im a runner..soo i need some nutrients...but..
the bulimia is puffing my cheeks out..and this Cross Country season i had to miss school sometimes because my throat would become so enflamed..i can't see myself living through this disorder longer than i have..i need to speak out to someone..
my pride is however a barrier that i cant seem to jump over to get to the greener grass..
its time to just break the wall down..

in response to LIZ .. breaking down your pride is hard, but once you are able to to that you are one step closer to making yourself better ... i contemplated for a while if i should tell my fiance that i am bulimic, and when i finally did, although it seemed harder at first & i regretted it .. now i realize it was the better thing to do .. i'm still purging .. but my fiance talked me into going to see a therapist once a week, which i have been doing for the past 3 weeks so far ... i honestly dont feel like talking to a therapist at this point is going to help me, because in these 3 weeks i have not stopped throwing up everything i eat .. i just feel like by now it is a part of my life .... a while back, eating and throwing up were 2 seperate things .. but now they exist together to me .. eating does not exist w/o throwing up .. i do WANT to get better, but saying it and doing it are 2 different things and i feel like it is a lot easier said than done ... my therapist recommended me to a phsyciatrist & a nutritionist .. i really dont want to go on medication, but i know right now that at the rate i am going, i can't stop throwing up on my own, and although talking to the therapist clears my head, in the end i still do what i want anyways ... but i also don't want to end up killing myself ... its confusing