need some advice please

When I was younger I was always chubby ... but started thinning out as a grew up and started highschool .. all throughout highschool I was a fanatic about my weight ... constantly counting calories, going on diets where I ate 200 calories a day .. If I ever felt like I ate "too much" during one of my diets, I would just force myself to throw it up .. and that's how it started. The summer going into my first yr of college I gained some weight, and lost it by the next winter by dieting and occasionally throwing up ... Once I lost that weight I gained it back plus some more ... Now I've gotten into the habit of throwing up EVERYTHING I eat .. I dont binge eat or anything, and I dont go days w/o eating .. I eat three normal helthy meals a day, but throw them up right after I eat ... At first I thought I would be able to control it and stop after I lost some weight, but now I lost weight and can't seem to stop ... I know it sounds funny but i literally feel like i "gained weight" after EVERY LITTLE thing I eat, and if I don't automatically go throw it up, I feel fat & disgusting until I throw it up, and once I do that, I feel a sense of relief that I was able to eat and get full, but 15 minutes later feel as if I never ate anything at all ... I know that what I do is not right, but am I bulimic? I keep just rtying to tell myself that I have control over this, but in reality, I'm starting to realize that I don't ... if I do not throw up after I eat, i begin to feel nauseous, and then I will use that as an excuse to make myself go throw up ... I am afraid to talk my family or fiance about it because I don't want to worry them .. I told one of my friends and she just kept reassuring me that i am not fat, but it doesn't seem to matter what anyone else tells me, i feel like if i eat anything w/o throwing it up I will get fat ...

any advice would be greatly appreciated <3
thanks

Hello Jennifer,
you are definitely bulimic and your condition is critical at the moment- that's the truth. The reason you think you are fat and are gaining weight after each bite is because the horrible disorder that I am also a victim of, is causing you to think that way. You are an intelligent woman, who knows that that's no way it could be possible to gain weight after eating healthfully and, in your case, so little (let's stop and laugh a little at ourselves for believing that). Also, because you are not eating enough and throwing up, your body must be retaining fluid and your metabolism is slow. So, ironically, for you to "feel" good, you should eat good. Go see a nutritionist for advice on nourishing your body properly- trust me you will never be fat if you eat healthfully and exercise occasionally. Save yourself for more important things in life- your family and fiance need and love you.

Good luck and please get well.

mar

Thanks for the advice .... In the back of my head I think I knew that I'm in a critical condition, but I just had to hear it from someone else who is going through the same thing as me. For a lil bit I thought I had this great thing goin on .. eat normal, throw up, lose weight .. but then it started taking a toll on me in little ways ..I kept telling myself "don't make a big deal out of it, it will go away" ... Since I started throwing up more & more, I feel like I have changed a lot - my personality especially ... My fiance is always telling me I look depressed or miserable .. I get annoyed or mad at things SO quickly and just seem to always be in a bad mood, I try to hide it from other people, but I guess I'm not doing THAT great of a job .. I really don't know what I am depressed or mad about, but I think it just has to do with the fact that I know I am harming myself and I don't want to let myself get too sick, but on the other hand, when I think about going to get help or talking to someone close to me about it, in my twisted head I feel like that is going to doom me into getting fat because I won't be able to throw up my food any more .. There have been a few times I was so close to telling my fiance, because I figured maybe he could help me through this w/o having to actually go to a therapist .. but then I just think about how if he knows, he is going to watch me more often and I won't be able to sneak away after meals & go throw up if I wanted to, and then I might end up resenting him for that ... ughhh .. so confused!

I know exactly how you feel, Jennifer. I am also mostly moody and depressed and my family notices and also gets upset. It's because we are hungry. We're denying ourselves a pleasure of life and nourishment for our bodies to function properly. Often, I find myself anxious and in panic- I am simultaneously wanting to eat and be thin. The scary part is that I don't care if I am thin and unattractive as long as I don't have fat on my body. It's horrible- I feel less vulnerable when I am skinny. It's really messed up. Try to learn to see all the positive things about yourself and remind yourself how foolish it would be to let our disorder overshadow them. Sometimes I try to look forward to all the cool things that lie ahead of me and everything that I might get to do- it helps bring my mood back up and forget the pain, even if temporarily. Take care and let me know how you feel.

M

Saturday morning I told my fiance what was going on. I thought he would be mad at me, but it took it well. At that moment, telling him seemed like a good idea, because I knew he would be able to help me through it .... but then when it really started to settle in my head that I was going to have to eat w/o throwing up for the whole weekend, I started panicking .. it was weird because it was the first time ever that i actually felt afraid of food ... I refused to eat all day Saturday, and just the sight of seeing him eat made me sick ... Sunday I didn't want to eat either, but had to force myself b/c he wouldn't leave me alone about it ... I really regret telling him now, because I feel like he watches every little thing I do, follows me when I go to the bathroom, etc ... exactly what I was afraid of happening in the first place ... I tried to not throw up after eating on Sunday, but it wouldn't escape me .. All that was going through my head were ways that I could go throwup w/o him noticing ... So i went to take a shower immediately after eating, waiting a few minutes till I knew he was watching TV, and threw up I couldn't wait to get to work today so that I could be at ease and not have to worry about who would catch me throwing up ..... All I can say is that until now it never dawned on me how stopping is so much easier said than done!

Jennifer, you have made a first step towards ridding yourself of this disease. It took a lot of courage and that's great. What you are feeling now is completely normal, because it feels weird and impossible to give up something you've been used to doing for a long time. Bad habits die hard. Take deep breaths and stick to what is right. You feel like you've lost control by telling your fiance and not being able to purge when you feel like it, but I would suggest you to replace it by you being in total control of a healthy lifestyle. Tell yourself that you can control the monster and let your guy protect you, which is what he wants to do (lucky you). Before I purge I tell myself that I will actually gain weight by doing so because my body retains water, my cheeks get puffy and my stomach bloates- that helps. You can also say to yourself that your teeth will erode, your stomach might errupt and your heart might stop. Gruesome, but true. Such self-talk might help (for me it does).

Mar is right- feeling out of control is scary.
Think of this, though. You told just told us that you no longer could stop yourself from throwing up. You started obsessing over how much you ate and how fast you could get rid of it, right? How in control does that sound?
Bulimia is a disease, sweetie. Stop beating yourself up. It takes control of you and makes you do some seriously messed up stuff to yourself. Throwing up? Depriving yourself? Alienating yourself from the ones you love? Come on, that can't really be what YOU want, can it?
So, what do you want? I think that when you told your fiance, it was a huge step. You are taking back control from your disease. You're giving bulimia the big F U!!!!!!! You're saying to it, "I don't want you to take away my cuddling time with the love of my life. I don't want you to deprive me of the joy of food prepared and eaten with loved ones. I certainly don't want you destroying my beautiful, wonderful body that allows me to do cool things. So I'm watching you, bulimia. And just in case I alone am not strong enough to kick your ass, I'm getting my fiance in on it, too."
So trust that impulse. Sometimes all it takes is telling him, "Man, I really feel like throwing up- can we go take a walk to get my mind off it?" It's really hard to do that, but I think you can- why else did you tell him? Keep trying, be forgiving of yourself, and don't assume that what bulimia wants is what you want. It's not in charge- you are.