advice

I need some advice on how to get my wife help with her eating disorder. I have tried talking to her before about it and she ignores the situation. She has told me if I try to get her help she won't go. I need some advice on what I should do. Thank you.

First of all, I am so sorry that you're going through this. I think sometimes that this disease is harder on the people who love us than on us. You have the perspective and love to see how much your wife is hurting herself. She's probably too wrapped up in it to worry. But it is tough on you- if you need to talk about how you feel, we're here for you too. Not just for her.
Most of us have had many people try to help us through the years. I personally never took to it. I've been badgered, cajoled, handed pamphlets, reasoned with, yelled at...I'm sure you've tried one of two of these with poor results, or you wouldn't be asking strangers for help.
How long has your wife had an eating disorder? How long have you known? How did you find out? The longer she's been keeping this secret, the harder it will be to get through the absolute refusal to talk about it. Same thing with how you found out- the more traumatic and embarassing the situation, the harder it will be for her to talk to you. If she told you herself, I think you have a better chance- it gives you an opening, because she wanted you to know.
Has she ever tried to stop before? Has she given you ANY indication that she dislikes this part of her life? If she has, you can start there. "I know you told me that you hate throwing up..."
From there, it gets even tougher, though. For you, a step like going to a doctor or counselor or even telling you when she feels like throwing up seems like a baby step to start things out. For many of us, it sounds more like apocalypse. This disease takes over your whole life, so any threat to it is interpreted as a threat to your life. I know that sounds like an overreaction, but we tend to be really good at those.
Take it too fast and she'll either get angry and shut down or just stop talking and shut down. Either way, you lose.
Take it really, really, really, really slow. Mention the bulimia- talking about it can take away it's power and the humiliation. Obviosly, don't do it at the company christmas party, but if you're alone and relaxed, ask her to talk. Don't have an agenda to get her to do anything. Just ask her how it feels. Get her to trust you and open up. Honestly try to understand where this comes from, how it began, why it continues. It may take a long time to get past the blockade, but keep trying.
Once she is comfortable with that, ask why it's hard to stop, why getting help is so hard. Let her know that you're not going to leave if she changes. Or if she doesn't. Dude, you've got to be in for the long haul, if you're going to attempt this.
Expect fights. Expect tears. Expect new insecurities you never anticipated. You're in totally unexplored country.
The most important thing, I think, is the unconditional love. Sure, you think that she knows you love her- you married her, right? Yeah, many of us are perpetual self-loathers. If I hate me, why wouldn't you? Let her know, frequently and obviously, that she is the light of your life- with or without bulimia.
Start slow and the rest will come. You are making the effort and obviously want to help her, so congratulations! Keep letting us know how things are going- for both of you.

Wow Suma, that was the best advice I've ever heard! I can relate to everything you said. That sounds like the best way to help someone with this disorder. Good luck Sanders21, and just remember that a lot of bulimics react with anger and denial when they are confronted.

I found these online, maybe they'll be of some help:

http://www.something-fishy.org/helping/whatyoucando.php

http://www.something-fishy.org/helping/yourapproach.php

Thank you Suma for your care and advice in this situation. I am ashamed to say I have known for quite sometime....but I had no idea what to do and I didn't want her to know I knew. I thought if I ignored it she might just stop one day. I'd do anything for her....that's for sure, but it is uncharted territory for me. The hardest part is that she is a RN and should know what it can do to you. Her sister finally approached me and said we had to do something about it. She wanted to do an intervention with family members.......I was strongly against that thinking it might embarrass and humiliate her. These could be 2 reasons that she is doing this. So her sister talked to an expert and the expert agreed that that wasn't the way to go. The therapist said it was her sister that should talk to her on a 1 on 1 situation. I feel odd about this because I want to help her so bad.

Man, the RN thing is tough. As an MD, I can relate, though. I'm pretty embarassed about that- talk about should know better! Sometimes, the medical knowledge just makes it easier for us to know how to effectively purge, gives us good excuses when we get caught (oh, man I must have picked something up in the clinic from one of those sick kids...) and the rational side of knowing the consequences gets lost in the "I know what I'm doing" arrogance. Just remember- it's the bulimia talking, not your wife. Not her medical training. It's her disease.
I agree that a humiliating intervention would be a terrible idea. That really only works if you have to confront someone in order to immediately pack them off to rehab. Without the solution at the end of the intervention, it's just embarassing and bullying someone into doing what you want. Not too good for someone who's already ashamed.
I think it's OK if her sister wants to talk to her, if they have a good relationship. Are they close? Or would it be more natural coming from you? What are YOU more comfortable with?
And by the way, what made her sister suddenly persue this so hard? Is it maybe that she has her own issues and it's easier to orchestrate someone else's life than deal with her own? Because if that's what we're dealing with- no good. Get her out of the loop before she can say "living vicariously." But if she really has your wife's best interests at heart, she can be your greatest ally. And it is nice to not be alone when your dealing with this stuff.
This is tough stuff. Keep trying and use whatever resources you have (us included!)