Its all gone wrong!

I found out last night that my ex-partner is a total wanker. I asked him to marry me and the whole time we lived together, turns out he knew he didn't love me and that I wasn't right for him. Now I'm "hurting him" by refusing to see him and he's decided to punish me by catching the first flight he can back to England (he's from there). He wanted to keep going out, keep sleeping together but didn't want to live together any more. He was totally shocked when I said we can't be friends anymore. I know what friends means and I'm pretty sure it would mean him having fun and getting laid and me breaking to pieces bit by bit. Sure, lets go out and party cause my life isn't falling apart or anything! Dickhead.

I thought I was above falling in love with men like this. I'm so disappointed in myself, that I didn't see it, that I was so blind. For 2 years! I loved him when I met him and I never stopped.

Mia sits there, fat and inviting, waiting for me to get home and be alone. And sometimes I just don't have the will to resist.

The one positive thing about all this is that it is making me dig deep for strength Strength to stay free of mia (5 days now), to stay focussed, to keep going to work and school and going out with friends and not curling into a little ball of sniffles and puke. It would be so easy, and so satisfying in a way. But not who I want to be. Trying to keep my eye on the way I want to be and I'm finding the strength, and it feels good. Fake it to you make it, I guess . I'll act happy and together around people, I'll grieve in private and with friends and I'll make it through this because after everything that a**hole took from me, I'm not letting him take one more thing!