OMG! please make it STOP :(

Hey everyone! I did it! I went to my therapists appointment last week; she was WONDERFUL! The only complaint I had is that it was too short and fairly expensive-$150.00 ! I wish I could have had two hours ! I felt REALLY comfortable w/her and admired her approach to the therapeutic process.

I feel really proud of myself AFTER the appointment (& a little thereafter); I have NOT had this feeling in such a LONG time! I want to thank EVERYONE for your support ! There were moments that I felt I did NOT want to go, but knowing that I was (AKA felt LOL) held responsible to the others’ I told I would go that gave me enough courage to get there!!! THANK-you ALL!!!!!! It’s bizarre how I feel this “commitment” and “heart” to all of you; it keeps me accountable for my actions !!!!!


The Bad news is I didn’t go this week Still have to pay too AUGH ! I feel SOOOOOOOOOOOOO weak! I HATE living like this; I wish I could eat normally again; I CRAVE bulimia like a bad drug though b/c I “enjoy” it—of course I don’t enjoy the aftermath of it! Grrrrrr!!!

I guess I am feeling SOOOOO damn weak right now b/c I left my loved ones to come back to my house and spend the day and evening B/P’ing ! I wish my belly was COMPLETELY empty right now and I was in my fiancé’s arms; where I belong.

I’m STILL substituting too (only) when I’m with my fiancé b/c I don’t want to eat and (of course) occasionally when I go too overboard w/the alcohol I’m in a state of reverie and ravenously eat everything in site and then (of course) purge! How did I become so f#c*ed up! I NEED to get better b/c I can’t let my fiancé (nor his kids) know about me being bulimic (AND-now-using alcohol to keep me from B/P’ing)! OMG make it stop PLEASE, I HATE this! I’m in my house right now-in the DIM lights-looking at the shadows of all the empty containers/packages of food I’ve just binged on and purged.

My god guys I feel like there is NO F’n hope for me; I hate this ! My fiancé’ deserves the BEST and that is NOT me, he deserves someone SOOOOOO much better!

I would love to hear from somebody, especially so from someone who has had it this long (eighteen years) and this viciously : (

The “good” news is I am DEFINTELY making another appointment w/my therapist tomorrow for next week , I NEED HELP BADLY!!!!!!!!!!

Thank-you ALL for “listening”! I hope SO much that others’ are making progress to rid you of this bulimia prison!!!!! My BEST to all of you!!!!!!!!!

MUCH GRATITUDE and BIG HUGS,
“Kara” : )

Don't get so down! Recovery doesn't happen instantly, and you are making an AMAZING start. Maybe you should try keep a mia journal or something, so you can see how often you b/p, and (hopefully) watch as the episodes get less and less. Just put a star on your calendar or something.

I am SO glad your therapy went so well. I've always been curious about trying it, but terrified that I wouldn't be able to open up to a stranger. Way to go! What kind of things did she talk to you about? How did she try and make you better? It might be expensive, but it will help you, and you sound like you like it.

I know what you mean about this board; we're all strangers, but I feel closer to the people here than some of my own friends. I think it's because I can talk about my problems openly and more often than not someone will say, 'I know EXACTLY how you feel', or they'll give me advice and help. It's really refreshing, I've NEVER had that kind of support. So don't stop posting, it's good to hear recovery stories (and YES, you are on your way to recovery even though it might not feel that way). We'll push you to keep going!

I haven't had mia for that long, but I'm only 21. It's been about 5/6 years for me, and I'm back into the cycle. I know the feeling of wanting to be left alone so you can eat and eat. When I started I wasn't much of a binger; I just wanted to be able to eat certain foods, usually junk food, and not get fat from it. And now that I've started again, once I eat and decide I'm purging it, I find myself back in the kitchen making more food, coz I'm purging anyways right? I hate that drive, that urge to eat and eat and eat. It consumes you, and it feels like there is nothing you can do about it.

So again, don't feel bad when you give in. You've been doing this for eighteen years, it's not something you can just give up like that! You are getting help, you DO want to get better. You have the mindset, and eventually your body will catch up with you mind. Keep up the good work! *hUGS*!!!!!!!!!!

P.S. If your fiancee does find out, and I know you are paranoid that he will, I'm sure he'll be there for you. He LOVES you, and he'll help no matter what. He certainly wouldn't leave you just because you have issues with food; think about how silly that is!

Congrats!
Talking to a counselor and opening up to someone face-to-face is a terrific step. The whole world didn't fall apart, did it?
I've been mia for over ten years and can understand your point of view. I've always tried to think of what was underlying my actions. There are sort of two of me- the real me and the me controlled by mia. The mia is this powerful force and I am just an imperfect woman.
Do you think that the mia may be putting on the pressure and telling you that the therapy that takes you out of its control and back into your own is too expensive? Because I can tell you from experience, those boxes of food are pretty expensive too. Not to mention the emotional cost to you of having to walk away from those you love to spend time with your refrigerator.
The mia will always tell you that the obstacles are too high and too many to overcome. But ask yourself, "Ok, this is what the mia wants- now, what do I want?" It's hard, because after this many years of listening to the voice of your disease, you may not know what you want. You may have to dig deep. You may find out weird and wonderful things about yourself that you had forgotten in the grip of mia- or that you never knew!
It's a journey and as someone in the grip of a rip-roaring relapse as we speak, I can honestly tell you that you will probably never get to the point where you say, "Alright, that part of my life is behind me." And that's OK. Because every new day and every fresh challenge helps you discover new reserves of strength.
You are amazing! Keep up the great work.

Wow Suma, that was a beautiful reply. I'm inspired! Thank you!

Kara, I agree wholeheartedly with Suma's thoughts. I feel like a divided person sometimes. Bulimia's voice seems so much louder than my own sometimes and for a while, I couldn't tell them apart.
But the nature of this disease is that bulimia isolates you, it counts on your silence to stay in control.

If you can, treat bulimia like an entitiy with a personality. And you can list the attributes, can't you? For a long time this personality has controlled your behaviour by making you beleive certain things about yourself and your life. Time to figure out what it is that you want, what you need to get your life back. And that goes beyond just stopping the behaviour of binging and purging, more than just not being bulimic anymore and being with your fiance. It has to be a change of mind to be a lasting change and it means getting really honest with yourself. It can be a hard journey and is one best guided by a counsellor.

I think you are amazing. After being caught in this disease so long and taking such a huge risk to finally share your story face to face. You maybe underestimate the significance of that event. You've just taken some control back from bulimia. Baby steps. You will still binge and purge for awhile, you may go a year without b/p and then relapse. But the behaviour is only a symptom of the problem, not the problem itself. If you are learning, if you are changing towards something better, then a relapse can be a useful lesson and a reminder of why you are doing what you are. The behaviour is not the main concern, the mind set is. You can still be very ill and not actively binging and purging, been there!

So take your time. Define yourself and who you want to be. Have conversations around your preferred self, who you want to be in the world, those conversations have the power to infuse your life with hope, something bulimia is very good at taking away.

You guys THANK-YOU SO much! I am sorry for being a “stranger” here but I regressed to my B/P ways and SUBSTITUTING (w/alcohol) too ! I did however make ANOTHER appointment (will be my 3rd) w/my therapist! Tomorrow! YippEE!

I have to pay her for the last two sessions I missed! $300.00! Plus an additional 150 on top of that! Geese you’d think I learned my lesson*Gulp*! Suma you are SO right though b/c all the money I spend on B/P food doesn’t even shy in comparison to the money flushed down the toilet! Boy oh boy do I wish there was a magic wand to make me “normal”!

Suma OMG YES I DEFINITELTY know how you feel…there is me and then the me controlled by Bulimia; so elegantly put! And the emotional cost is OUTRAGEOUS, SO SAD
Suma are you recovered? What did you find most helpful? How “deep” into it were you?

Astra WOW good for you getting help at 21!!!!! It sounds like you had a “break” from this Bulimia prison! WOW! How long did you put it at bay?

Kenzie YES!!!! I am “TRYING” to break the silence (@ least w/all of you and my therapist LOL )and going to my appointment tomorrow takes away a little of my Bulimia’s power. I NEED to be strong for the people I Love and me : )

Thank-you ALL SOOOOOOOOOO very much! I look forward coming here and listening to your stories. I hope someday to offer you my success story and help others’ here beat this monster.

Much Love,
“Kara”

This all started back when I was in high school. I was a highly competitive swimmer and in peak season, I often was burning 3-4 000 cal/day. While other girls were having trouble keeping weight on and had six-packs and no periods, I still kept that layer of tummy fat. I guess, to keep it in perspective, my body was more resilient, but that wasn't the way I saw it when team pictures came out!
College came and I moved from free-spirited Northern California to the Grand Ole South, with it's sorority don't-go-to-the-drugstore-for-tampons-at-two-am-without-makeup-and-a-bow-in-your-hair attitudes. I had never experienced that and of course, it made me insecure. I tried to fit in by dressing, acting and talking like the other girls. Unfortunately, I was no longer swimming and my weight exploded, so my eating disorder did, too. After a couple of years, I tried to get help from the college guidance counselor, who unfortunately was a total dink and I was too young to realize that it was MY therapy and that I should have fired him.
My college boyfriend was also a total dink, who fed into the eating disorder with both his abuse and by allowing his frat brothers to abuse me about my weight, appearance, inability to fit in, etc. By the end of college, I was exercising constantly, eating 600-1 000 cal/day, purging 4-5x/day and taking about 10 laxatives/day. I'm not entirely sure how I was working out so much, because I remember having trouble walking up the stairs to class- I was so tired all the time.
I got to med school (in Atlanta- deep South, bad idea), where the female competition encompassed studying 18 hours/day and still having time to work out for 2 hours and have immaculate makeup and clothes. Somewhere during my second year of this, I hit rock- bottom. I broke up with the college boyfriend, he started stalking me and threatening my life, my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer and I suddenly lost all my friends as depression made me no fun to be around anymore.
I went to a lunchtime talk one day about addiction in physicians and the woman talking was discussing her eating disorder and how that led to substituting alcohol, losing her job as a resident and ultimately deciding to throw herself off a balcony. Which she obviously didn't do. But in a room of 200 people (most of whom were there for the pizza), she and I were sobbing. She approached me afterwards and we got to talking.
I told her things I've never told anyone and she drove me to my first therapy appointment in years, showed up on my front step with samples of anti-depressants and basically strong-armed me into getting help. God bless her.
I went to therapy for three years before I stopped b/p ing. That's not a bad thing, though. All that time, I was shoveling out the crap that had accumulated in my brain from this disease. I don't regret paying for a single session. What I do regret is stopping.
But I figured that I was "better." I had stopped b/p ing, right? I suddenly had a normal, stable relationship, right? Things looked sunny, right? Right? Right?
After med school, I moved to central PA with my new husband so that we could both start residency. I made it through my intern year without puking (not without binging- let's make that perfectly clear...) essentially by white-knuckling it. I really don't recommend that. It can only last so long, you know?
Then, just a week and a half short of my 3 year anniversary without purging, I fell back into it. I suddenly understood the Alcoholics Anonymous distinction: sober vs dry. A sober person is one who has gone through the 12 steps and continues to work through them daily. She is self-aware and avoids situations that might threaten her sobriety. One who is dry is just not drinking. They are not recovering. It's that guy you see standing next to the bar at a party talking about not drinking.
I was so dry. I was proud of myself for not purging while I gained 70 pounds from the binging. I hadn't learned good ways to either control my weight or deal with stress. So, I relapsed. It was only a matter of time.
I wish I could say that I climbed out of that relapse easier than I did last time and that the secrecy and shame weren't controlling my life yet again. I guess that's an extremely wordy answer to your simple question, Kara. No, I'm not really recovered. But I'm getting better every day. And that's all I'm asking right now.

Suma
PS- I live in southern PA. It's pretty far from MA/NH, but I'm here for you if you need me!

Suma WOW so much of your life resonates with me! I want to thank-you for all of your effort in your response! I have one semester left for my Doc degree and start residency next fall; I think you have to be diagnosed mania for these programs LOL! I am a perfectionist (think most of us here are)! The correlation between perfectionism and eating disorders is ridiculously high!

I don’t feel as "down" on myself after reading your post. I want that imaginary pill that we all wish we could take to rid us of this bloody disorder. I am continuing therapy, and B/P'ing less times a day which is ACTUALLY PROGRESS for me ! I too (like the woman who spoke at your school) started substituting alcohol for food ! I've never abused it before and now I'm 32 y/o and doing it! Oy Vea! I guess Baby steps right! I do have a-lot if underlying issues I need to address and I guess that is many layers of the "onion" LOL

My goodness I'd love to chat more. If you are EVER in Boston Ma area PLEASE drop me a line!

I REALLY appreciate your feedback!

Much Love,
"Kara"