Need some advice on helping husband

Hi - I am new to these boards because I truly don't know where else to turn. I have recently sussed out that my husband is making himself sick after meals - I don't think its been going on too long, but long enough for him to have come to rely on it as a method of eating what he wants.

As soon as I realised what was going on (he still has no clue I know) I started an eating healthy regieme and getting him involved in trying to tell me what he wants ro eat, so I can cook something healthy and he won't have to be sick...not that our food was bad before, but he would just eat stacks of it! and then presumably feel guilty. He was also showing an interest in going to the gym, so I went out after our daughter was in bed and got him some free passes to our local gym - and have subsequently tried to motivate him to go - either with me and ur daugher coming along with him and going for a swim, or me taking care of things back here whilst he goes anytime he wants...all of it is met with a blank face and no motivation.

I am very ashamed to say that I find it very difficult watching him eat dinner which I have just spent 2 hours cooking, only to go and throw it up the second he has finished. Last night, I found myself feeling really hurt and angry with him for doing it and couldn't stand to have him near me, talk to me or touch me...obviously this isn't the basis for a healthy marriage - especially as we have one gorgeous daughter and another one on the way.

The added twist in the tale and the reason I feel guilty about my part in where he is right now, is that I have struggled with eating disorders my whole life - but this doesn't help me at all when it comes to try and talk with him about it - because all I feel is anger and disgust towards him.

I don't want my babies growing up in a house where mum and dad think that a normal way to lose weight is to throw up - and the shame that is attached to it.

I am so scared and ata a loss of what to do - any advice would be very appreciated.

Part of me doesn't even want to talk to him about it - because I know how embarrassed I would have been if someone had confronted me - and I would have also probably lashed out verbally..

Please help

DON'T GET MAD AT HIM! I know you can't control your emotions, but try not to be angry. He's not intentionally wasting your food, and he's definitly not trying to hurt you. I really think you should talk to him about this, especially if you have such strong negative reactions towards it. I love that you are trying so hard to subtly help him; the new diet and gym ideas are wonderful. You are being very supportive behind his back, so I suggest you tell him straight up that you know what's going on, and are there to help him. Communication is key, in ANY relationship, be it marriage or just friendship (I sound like a psych textbook, lol). He could even try joining this site under a pseudonym to talk about his issues anonymously.

Thanks for your thoughts, it helps alot to see a perspective on this which isn't so emotional as my own, and without all the pregnancy hormones which seem to make me even more emotional!

Since I posted, I have been thinking about little else - and I am ashamed of my post in regards to this - I love my husband unconditionally, he is the sweetest and most caring man in the world and I want to help him overcome this - not berrate him or make him feel bad. My post above sounds so selfish and me me me...this is how what you are doing is affecting me...and thats not helpful at all

I have decided to write him a letter letting him know that if it is out in the open then we can deal with it and talk about it instead of hiding it like some sordid dirty secret. Any secrets in a marriage ultimately put a barrier between you and we have always had such an open and honest marriage.

Hopefully we can even pinpoint a few reasons why this has started to happen and make changes to help. I think it is really important for us to talk and motivate each other through this - and to change our lives, so that we are more active, as he has admitted that he feels really good about himself after he has excercised...so I think we need to adapt our lives to build more activity into each day - something I know my daughter will thrive on also.

I also want to tell him that now is such a good time to change and become more active/live healthier/eat healthier, because it will be the only way of life that our daughter (2 years) and our son (due in spring) will remember mum and dad being - so we can teach them a healthy way of life.

I so so want to approach this in a positive way and not the 'bad for your health' angle that many people view bulimia from.

If you have any helps or suggestions, it would be very much appreciated

xxx

Astra has some good advice, please don't get mad at him. He is ill, bulimia is a disease and for those caught in its grip, almost impossible to beat alone. So if it makes it easier for you to deal with, think of it that way.

He needs to know you know and he needs to know you care. Bulimia counts on shame and silence to keep its grip. Just talking about it can sometimes change the way people view it, just admitting it to someone else. If he feels judged however, he may not seek any further help.

He may need outside help. And even if he wants to, he may not be able to stop right away. There will be reasons that your husband is overeating, could be stress, could be something on his mind that is bothering him. He may not be coping well and this is how he copes. Food is soothing, food helps sometimes when we are troubled. And no one who has ever reached for the ice cream when something goes wrong can deny that. So its gone further for your husband and without knowing much about your family, I can't say more. But I do know that if you want him back the way he was, he needs time and support, lots of loving support. Make him feel sexy, wanted, needed and loved.

sometimes there are those of us struggling w/ bulimia who use food and bulimia as a way to punish ourselves too.......so there could be some underlying issue that has nothing to do w/ the food itself or even something like self perception and weight.....I know I turn to bulimia when I feel my emotions are out of control...or when I feel angry about a certain sitatuion in my life that I don't like and feel I have no control over it...I feel I need to punish myself...it's complex to explain...believe me. But the reason we turn to bulimia....different as it is for everyone...it runs very deep and it's VERY hard to overcome.