Relapse- help!

Oh, I'm so tired.
I've never actually joined a forum for anything before. But I've never felt so much like I needed to not feel alone.
I'm 28yo and female. I've been BN for 10-11 years, all told. Although, for the last three of that, I've been "recovered." During that time, I have eaten normally, but been scared to work out. I didn't own a scale for a long time. I'm not sure which part of that is to blame (or whatever you would call it), but in that time, I've gone from being underweight to overweight- a total gain of about 70 pounds. Want to talk about feeling like a beached whale? I feel like I've got that market cornered.
On the flip side, during that time, I wasn't totally self-absorbed like I was before- when my top priority was my weight. I met a wonderful man, got married, graduated from medical school (Ouch! That's right- a physician who should know better, right?) and have built a terrific life for myself.
A few weeks ago, I finally got fed up with the weight gain and went back to purging, weighing myself, etc. Here's what happened:
My husband (another physician) and I were discussing trying to get pregnant and he told me that he felt that I should lose some weight before we did that. He knows my whole history and sat down with me to help come up with a plan that would allow me to control my weight in a healthy range in a healthy way.
God bless him- I really think that he meant well. But it has blown up in my face. I told myself that I could control it this time. It wouldn't take over my life. It wouldn't interfere with work. It wouldn't be a big deal. Logically, I know that's garbage and that I'm already in big trouble again.
I can't imagine how awful this conversation with my husband is going to be when we finally have it. How do I even tell him about this?
Can anybody help me? I'm feeling so embarassed- both that I'm so fat and disgusting and that I'm so weak that I couldn't do this the "legitimate" way.
Sorry for the long post. Anything would be appreciated.

Relapses are brutally hard on the self esteem, especially if you have been in recovery a long time. But remember, you are not back at square one, you know how to get through your days bulimia free already. Keep your chin up Its a mistake, you learn, you move on.

So bearing that in mind, your goal is really to lose weight a healthy way. As a doctor, you must know that permanant weight loss is usually gradual, not sudden. It may take a year to get where you want to be but by the time you get there, you will have developed the habits and knowledge to stay there for good.
What about weight watchers to deal with the weight, and a counsellor or therapist to explore the reasons and solutions to not overeat? It might make it easier to tell your husband about the relapse too, to already have a plan in place to deal with it.

Maybe try joining a team sport to make exercise fun. Ask your hubby if he'll come with you. Getting fit is hard, no doubt about it, but the benefits of exercise are proven and the satisfaction you get from seeing your weight go down and your fitness level go up is great.

All the best, please post again and let us know how you go.

I know what you are going through; not exactly, because everyone is different, but I've been there. I was mia for a few years, and 'quit' for a couple. I gained the weight back plus a lot more, and I started feeling bad about myself again. So, I started purging, and now I'm caught back up in the cycle.

You just have to remember that you aren't doing anything bad. I hope when you said you were worried about talking to your husband you meant because you didn't want him to be concerned, not because he'd be angry at you. This is a disorder, it's not something we can help. If it was, we'd all be happy with our weight and we'd stop hurting ourselves!!! And don't feel embarassed, you are NOT fat and disgusting, you are NOT weak. I would suggest buying some kind of home equipment, a treadmill or something. I was always embarassed to exercize in public. I couldn't afford any equipment, so I joined a woman's gym, and went during the slow hours. I DEFINITLY suggest getting a partner to help you exercize, they'll motivate you.

I have to run, sorry to cut this short, but good luck with it, and we're all here to listen if you need it!!!

well i think its great that u started eating normal again BUT i know the feeling i put on 2 kgs and it was like the end of the world for me i currently weight 49 kgs (about 110 lbs/pounds) and i cant help but still feel fat im 5'3-5'4 so i know thats defently not to skinny im sorry if im not meant to change the subject its just that im new at this and i have finalli recognised my eating disorder and feel like i need to talk about it

Suma- you're husband sounds like a really caring person, and I would definitely sit down with him and try to explain what you're going through and the feelings/pressures that arise when a person with a history of eating disorders tries to lose weight. I also recently relapsed when I decided to try and get in shape the healthy way.. Eating disorders are something people struggle with their whole lives and I'm really trying to find a way to approach diet/exercise in a way that doesn't provoke relapse--if I could afford a nutritionist, I think it'd be worth a shot. let me know how you're doing! Best wishes!