FIRST Post HELP!!!!

I want to THANK-YOU ALL for disclosing your stories and opening your hearts; it means the world to me! This is my very first post here and I’ve found it VERY helpful, THANK-YOU!!!

I apologize in advance if this becomes too long but I REALLY admire the feedback I’ve seen and I am in desperate, DESPERATE need for support and advice as no one knows of my ravenous Bulimia.

I'm a perfectionist and it's REALLY hurting me. I have been bulimic for eighteen years and I can't stop . I feel so alone. I am so sad on the inside, but smile on the out!

I am lonely, I am scared. I am probably anorexic bulimic; the last time I reached out for help was fourteen years ago and that was because I got “caught”. My bulimia is my life, I hate it! I am now in my early thirties and have fallen in love, I want to stop. I was married once before but chose food over my relationship.

I’ve been reading all the posts on this site and cried so many times; the majority of what the others’ said REALLY resonated with me! My biggest fear is that I am too far gone ! If I’m not at the gym or at work I am binging and purging. I’m hoping if someone out there who has been in similar circumstances can give me their success story, or anyone who has had it to this extreme.

I binge and purge, sometimes (OK maybe LOTS of times) all day and night, I couldn’t even give you a number, probably a hundred times; it’s all I do. The money I earn goes to food. I live alone, bought my home so it would be conducive to my purging. I had to get city sewer b/c I’ve had too many horrific incidents where I’ve over flooded toilets, broken septic systems, etc. I even have a locked room in my house where there is an extra fridge and freezer so when I do (which is rarely) have people over they won’t see ALL my food. This room is flooded with binge food.

I only know how to live this way; I haven’t lived any other way since I’ve been fourteen years old. I know my turning point for me is that I am in love and my fiancé and I are moving in together (he does NOT know, no one does). I love him SO much; we’ve been dating for about two years now and I’ve managed to keep this hidden from him. I am hoping I can “heal” myself on my own without him knowing. I am not prepared to tell him, if ever. I know others’ advice has been to tell loved ones, but I just can’t.

I just spent over an hour carefully catching up on how all the other “members” were doing. I am always impressed by the small strides you all make, but it seems most DON’T give themselves credit for! I ponder…”WOW what would that be like to have the control that these people do”! I do however sometimes get frustrated b/c I feel I am no where CLOSE to recovering like the majority of you have done. OK, often I feel “Man, I am the BIGGEST failure HERE Geez!” I do try to counter these ruminating thoughts by making them positive, more rational. and find the little, and albeit VERY little LOL small steps as not to mind f#%K myself into a binge.

I have planned and unplanned binges which unfortunately sometimes (OK, just about all the time) will take over my days, my weeks, my months AUGH! Yep, I’m the Bulimic of EIGHTEEN years! It almost makes me feel as if I can continue doing this b/c heck I’m still alive, and it comes so “naturally” for me to purge! It scares me that I’ve never used my finger, toothbrush etc…just ate until I exploded and bent over my porcelain “friend”! Sorry for the details but want you guys to know how hopeless I feel : ( I am at the point where now I just want to cut back and not quit cold turkey. I can’t imagine my life w/put having the “opportunity” to PURGE, I’ve been doing this since 7th GRADE!

I SOOOOOO don’t want to die though, god NO! I am in Love; I started to LIVE again and want/NEED to beat this on my own. I have “cut back” since I’ve been w/my Fiancé; I don’t isolate like I used to.
I am also in a field where I know professionally the Psychologist/Psychiatrist alike in this area. My father was an MD, and so was his Dad etc and unfortunately they DO talk about clients….not all, but some do! I hope the new HIPPA law will change this to prevent patient/client violation.Grrrr. I did however go to an MD close to two hours away to get a prescription for Prozac. This has helped ME some (EVERYONE is different) but I still continue to PURGE, and of course BINGE, and if I’m not doing that than I restrict.

SOOO Sorry this is SOOO long, I’ve been keeping these feeling in forever hence probably why I am not doing that much better!?! I have my closing on my home for Feb 1st (my goal date to cut back on my ED), and will be FULL time w/my Fiancé’ (YIPPEEEEE) on that date! We currently have our new home together under construction…FUN! He is AMAZING! I am more in love w/him now than a couple of years ago, and back then I was mesmerized by him!
I KNOW to beat this demon I need to do it for myself (& I “want” to) but I ENJOY B/P’ing to an extent…not what I LOOSE from it (i.e. teeth rotten-ALL veneers, root canals, broken bones, ill often, unsocial, etc. AUGH)! I even LIE to my poor Fiancé’ and tell him I have to work when I go to my home and spend the day and night b/p’ing! GOD I HATE THAT!!!!! : (

The GOOD news is I have been B/P’ing LESS WHILE I am WITH HIM (ONLY),

NOW yet ANOTHER PROBLEM to the mix---I started SUBSTITUTING OMG YES SUBSTITUING eating to drinking ! I was always one to NOW yet ANOTHER PROBLEM to the mix---drink in moderation (no more than two glasses of wine or one pina colatta on a hot summer’s day etc.) I didn’t drink to get drunk (of course I can think of a couple of times I did in undergrad LOL), and when I’M b/p’ing I don’t drink at all and if I did it is just b/c I want to purge it (like an ice-cream mud slide) AUGH! I now find myself sneaking shots in my purse to refrain myself from craving to eat b/c I am happy w/my size…not my body of course, but my weight and size.
I found this “helps” me IF I KNEW MY LIMIT, but I don’t know my “limit” and there have been times I BLACKED OUT! I “FEEL” that I am cognizant before this happens but god knows I probably wasn’t! When I feel I reached my Max I tell my B/F I am ill and need to sleep. GRRRRRRRR!!!!

THIS for me was a wake up call and I made an appointment to see a Psychologist whom specializes in ED’s! HUGE step for me, HUGE! This therapist is two and a half hours away and I’m paying cash as to be sure my problem never gets mandated by a court etc. I can’t wait to go although I am NERVOUS and scared as ever! It’s next Tuesday at 8:00PM AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

OK, Ill stop here cuz this is way too long ! I am REALLY sorry for the long post!

CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU ALL ! I LOVE reading about what you go through; you’ve all helped me so much.

My GREATEST gratitude !

BTW-I am not on-line everyday (sometimes will go a week or two) b/c I am SUPER cautious of going to this site w/my Fiancé or his kids around.

First of all, WELCOME! This site has helped so much; it’s so good to talk to people who UNDERSTAND what you are going through. And I find that I have habits that I would still hide, even from this site, except other people have already come out with them. It’s like wow, I’m not alone. I hope you find some support, or at least a place to vent.

Secondly, you aren’t a lost cause. There are other people here who have been mia for a long time as well. I have hope that you will recover; I have hope for all of us. And just because you’ve been mia for 18 years versus 1 year doesn’t make it any harder for you to quit. You just have to get out of the cycle hon.

I think it’s really amazing that you’ve found someone you obviously love so much, congratulations on your engagement! May I suggest that you tell him? I know it must be terrifying, but he might provide a LOT of support. However, you did mention that you were going to counselling, which is a really good step. Start with that, see how it works for you, and work your way up. I think if your fiancé knows, he’ll be able to help you to stop.

I think everyone here feels that they are a huge failure at some point. But don’t feel that way! You are on a forum promoting support and help, not some pro-mia site! Try not to feel like a failure, it isn’t your fault. You aren’t hurting anyone but yourself, and I can tell you are a real sweetheart who doesn’t deserve this. I don’t know what causes mia (you can pin it on so many things) but none of us did anything wrong. So don’t feel guilty.

You sound like you are already trying to help yourself. Posting here. Going to se a counsellor. And definitely, after 18 years I think it would be almost impossible to go cold turkey. Cut back slowly. Distract yourself, go out shopping, see your fiancé. Get out of any habits you have that relate to food. You know how some people watch TV while they eat dinner, and so get hungry whenever they are sitting in front of the TV? Try to find out your triggers, and avoid them. Take a yoga class or something, something that will calm you down, but is also exercise. Or do something fun like Taekwondo! I’m sorry I can’t think of more ways to escape this cycle, I’m still in it myself. But you sound very determined.

And the drinking I think is can also be related to mia. Personally I’m very self abusive (if that’s a word!). Once I started being mia I really went overboard with everything. Drinking, drugs, you name it. I did chemicals almost every weekend for a year. I got out of it eventually, but I still drink more than I should. Once again, I think what works best for me is being around others. There are friends who don’t know about my disorder, but just hanging around them gets my mind off of it. And the friends who do know are always there to help me. I really think that telling someone, even if it’s just a counsellor, or the people here on psych forums, will help you.

Don’t apologize. You aren’t doing anything wrong. And long posts are nothing to be sorry for! You HAVE to get it out, it must be DRIVING YOU CRAZY after 18 years!!! We are ALWAYS here to listen. I’m sorry if I didn’t say anything helpful, but I wanted to say something, you deserve it. Good luck karaRR.

Astra,

Thank-You SOOOOOOO much for your supportive response! This is THE most difficult "DEMON" I've ever had to face! I often ponder what life would be like w/out Bulimia; how much LIVING i could have done! I want to LIVE again Astra !

I feel awful but NO WAY would I ever tell my Baby (my man ) about my ED! He had an ex who was an alcoholic (& "I" think Ana too) which could be part of the demise to their relationship ?

He is AMAZING!!!! I sometimes think he (does) know!?! He knows i'm going to a therapist and he is REALLY Psyched about that! Hmmmmm ?????

You too used "other products" to keep you from B/P'ing? WOW! I' REALLY happy for you to have overcame that!!!!! What sort of things have worked best or you? I too find being "out" w/friends/family that I B/P next to null !

I still crave it though BUT I am working on those "cravings" b/c my craving/zest for LIFE is outwinning my craving for B/P'ing!

Thank-you again SOOOOOO much!!!!!
BEST, my VERY BEST to you!!!!!!!!!!
Love,
"Kara"