Help - my girlfriend just told me

Hi there,

I'm new to this forum. They reason I'm posting here is because my girlfriend recently told me that has been suffering from Bulimia Nervosa for the past 4 years. I'm pretty floored by this info. I can't say that I haven't had my suspicions over the past year, but I hadn't really considered it. My question for you guys is, what is my role in this process. She recently broke down and admitted her illness to a doctor and is being referred to therapy. So at least I can get some sleep knowing that she's going to be recieving some help. My biggest fear is that she may put her self in the way of some serious harm without me knowing about it. I also don't want to be that boyfriend that's always wondering (or making accusations) about excessive trips to the bathroom, irregular meals, and other compensatory modalities. I've told her that I would like her to be open with me about this, so that we can move forward together to take this on. I would never chatise her if she revealed an relapses to me, but I need to be open with me. Could you guys shed some light on this? What would you guys expect of your partner? Thank you so much. I hope that this message finds you well.

I can only tell you what I'd want out of the situation; you'll have to talk to your girlfriend about it, because she might want you to be really involved, or not at all. I'm assuming because she told you that she wants you to be involved. But everyone is different.

Just be there for her whenever she needs you. You'll have to accept that she is bulimic, and sometimes she'll just have to purge, and you can't try and stop her. So please don't accuse her, you cannot force her to stop, and she'll just start lying to you.

It sounds like she DOES want help, and she'll work with you through this. Otherwise, she wouldn't have told you. All you can do is listen, ask her if she needs you to do anything, understand when she does relapse, and always always give her positive reinforcement. You've already shown how much you care by posting on this site. You sound like a really really great boyfriend, and she's lucky to have you. I hope things work out for her .

Wow, wish I had me a boyfriend like you! Good of you to go looking for info.

I'd agree with Astra, talk to her about what she needs. It could change week to week too, some weeks she might feel fantastic and proud of herself for getting help, if she relapses she may be furious at herself and harsh with you.

She has an internal battle going on all the time. Be aware when going out to dinner, etc. Maybe food is not the best way to celebrate special occasions for a while (anniversary dinners, etc.)
Talk to her about her triggers. If there are certain situations that are really hard for her, you can help her with those. One of my triggers is seeing my Dad, always feel like b/p when I go to see him. Also, Christmas is really tough for a lot of bulimics, too many good things to eat, so much tempation around.

Good luck to you both

Shinny,

you are truly great. She's lucky to have you! You've asked some great questions. You've also thus far been given some great advice.

I guess my biggest piece for you has already been said...don't be surprised by relaspes...they happen. I'd been bulimia free for 5 years now and once again find myself in mia's clutches (mia another word for bulimia)

you can always work w/ a counselor too in learning how to help her through this and how to deal w/ the situation...the more you learn the better equipped you'll be for your girlfriend...as well as yourself.

Hi babe,
I wish my partner was as understanding. And you need to be understanding. And you wont be thanked for it as much as you need to be - but that is what happens when you love someone. You don't expect thanks.
I have had a massve blow up with my wonderful partner of one year over my lies, I didnt want to burden him with it - but I told him early to be honest, and now he feels betrayed that I was hiding another relapse. He went so far a to say I am throwing my money down the toilet, and why dont I just stop eating if food is the problem. Charming.
Food is not the problem, it is a symptom. If you feel loved, accepted, beautiful despite the baggage, you can beat it. Dont try and understand it, try to be supportive of the fact that she is trying to beat it. And make sure she understands that you will be there. That is all the understanding we need.
S.

Shinny mate i am so glad that i came across your post.

I have met the love of my love a 1.6 years ago. I have always enjoyed reading medical journals. And as soon as "pumpkin" (beeing my pet name for her) and i started spending more time just living with each other i noticed that she had an eating disorder. I asked her straight forward if she 'purges' (i had to read up a lot) after eating large amounts of food, She at first denied it. This beeing early in the relationship i can understand. Then a fair few months ago one day after being at a dinner she forgot her toothbrush and i tasted that she had been purging. I left asking her about it untill at home. She said that she had been doing this for the better part of 8 years.

sammy this is where you come in. I asked her to let me know everytime she purges. At first it caused a wide variety of dispute. Noe though she tell's me every time. And then i know this is the time where i get stuck, so i just listen. I know most of her triggers and stay clear of agrovating them. Thank you for your post it helped me to know how to fine-tune our progress thus far.

Please help me with these:
Some days she lashes out and says that i am taking away from her by involving myself in her problem, What can i do to let her know that i don't want to do that.
I also feel that just avoiding the triggers isn't enough. I need help to know what to avoid or what to suggest when she lets me know that she is thinking of doing it. Once or twice i was able to convince her not to. But more often than not it just delays her from doing it. I also have realized that giving her a bit of space is a way to reduce the severity

what can i do to help/support more actively.

BN Boyfrien

Hey dude,

This thread was actually started in 2005, and I doubt that the person who started the thread will actually read your reply. However, I will try to help you because I'm a male, 26, who has an eating disorder too. Firstly, I think you shhould realise that you can't ever be your partner's counsellor or therapist. You kind of tried that at the very beginning by offering help to her, but things have run aground again and I think that this idea of her having to tell you eacn and every time she purges should stop. It would be better to just let her know that she's not obliged to tell you, but that it would probably help not to keep her bulimia a secret. Like, she should try to go to a professional counsellor maybe - it'd be worth a try.

Kevin

cheers chucky. i eill try that. Do you have any more advice?

Your gilfriend will probably not want you to spy on her the way you described. Show you concern, but let her have the freedom to do whatever she likes. It's impossible to require her to eat the way you eat, and it is simply because she is bulimic.
If you're going to marry her, make sure she will have enough to eat before she purges so that she won't get hurt.